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I think I'm falling out of love. What can be done to improve the situation?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 7 August 2014)
A female United States age 18-21, *arah writes:

my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year now but it doesn't feel like we're dating anymore. we dont go out much, we never really did, but we would always go to each others houses and hang out have sex and chill. i keep urging him to do things with me but he complains about not having money to do anything. even though i tell him that we don't have to buy anything we can have a nice free picnic at the harbor.

he still hesitates and it been like this for a while now.

i dont feel like he loves me as much as he says he does. how can i get him to realize that i need more romance? that i don't need him to spend money on us? i just want to spend more time with him outside of our homes.

i also want him to show more affection towards me in public ... it just doesn't feel the same anymore

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A male reader, AdvisorOFlove United States +, writes (7 August 2014):

This story sounds painfully similar to my 4 year relationship. I was doing exactly what your boyfriend was doing. I took her for granted and I could not change my ways. Although my ex and I did things together like going out to eat, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends, we ended up in the bad comfort zone. The bad comfort zone is when you don’t appreciate each other anymore, and the couple are like zombies in the relationship. Although, they might see each other every day, they grow apart emotionally. In the end she broke up with me. Although painful, it was a blessing in disguise because I fully understand what I have done wrong and will do my best not to repeat my mistakes in my future relationships. I’ll take three problems that I have identified and give you advice on what I think might fix this relationship

There are two types of controlling boyfriends, there’s the violent physically abusive boyfriend, and then there’s the sensitive boyfriend who controls you emotionally. It’s usually easy to pinpoint a physically abusive controlling boyfriend, but that’s not the case in this particular situation. He may love you a lot, but complaining about not having money to do anything and not giving any effort to make you feel wanted is controlling. By not caring about what she wants or feels is also a sign of being controlling. According to Genevieve Van Wyden, your boyfriend “has experienced a psychological disconnection in one of his four psychological functions--sensing, intuiting, feeling and thinking, notes the Tower of Power website” (Wyden http://www.livestrong.com/article/206796-how-to-recognize-signs-that-your-boyfriend-is-controlling-doesnt-want-to-end-the-relationship/).

In order to stop his controlling behavior you need to find a way to let him know it bothers you. Talking to him in a non offensive tone and in a way that he will not feel obligated to go out is a good place to start. There should be an understanding, but if not walk out of the relationship. If your boyfriend does not recognize that you deserves better than what he is giving you it is not going to work out. Another way you could resolve it is by “reading self-help books about healthy and unhealthy relationships” (Mary Jo Fay http://eqi.org/eabuse2.htm).

I think falling out of love is easy. The problem here is your boyfriend is taking you for granted. It’s really hard to be in a relationship were one person wants to go out and the other wants to stay in. You have been dating him for almost a year, so it’s common to get needy in a relationship. Lifestyle an online article of 10 Reasons Why a Relationship Never Lasts by Ijeoma Ross says, “If you need your partner’s attention all the time and need to be with them 24/7 you’re not in love”. I think he’s taking you for granted because you seem to be doing everything for him and he doesn’t realize how valuable you are to him. But you do need to realize that he needs space and time to miss you. That way he is going to want to spend more time with you. You should then say where and what you would prefer to do rather than having him decide for you. That can make you a little bit happier. Your boyfriend says he doesn’t want to go out because he has no money. I say he’s just lazy. He wants you right where you are, which is next to him doing whatever he want to do. Ross says, “A lasting love provides some breathing room for both of you to still have your own lives” (Ross http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/love-sex-relationships/10-reasons-your-relationships-never-last?page=2 ). Take that into consideration and find some time to sit down and talk about your problems.

You want to go out and he wants to say in. That is a problem. What I would do is set a time when both of you could meet outside your comfort zone. Try to meet up at a coffee shop or any place that isn’t home. If I was in your shoes I would already have some possible solutions to how this issue can be fixed. I would be very cautious of his feelings because he may not know what he’s walking into. He will probably think your accusing him of being a bad boyfriend and that everything is his fault. So take baby steps and use baby words and try to talk calmly without raising your voice. Explain that you want to go out and your bored of being indoors all the time. Talking about your feelings really helps the other person to understand what you want from him.

I do hope that your relationship works out. I have a couple of things I want you to think about before making the decision. If the bad outweighs the good in the relationship, I would consider leaving. If you love him that much and ca over look the bad, then stay with him. I want you to also understand that this relationship is only a year old, and these types of problems are only going to get worst, unless your boyfriend changes. I hope my advice helps you out. In the end, this is your relationship and make a decision which will make you happy.

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A female reader, ivcstudent United States +, writes (29 July 2014):

I think you should keep asking him about certain activities to find out what he would enjoy doing. Since it is a fairly new relationship it is important to get to know one another better. I know it may not be easy and he might not want to hear it, but try speaking to him in a non offensive tone, and in a way that he doesn't feel obligated. This could help him get out and do things with you. Let him recognize that you deserve better than what he is giving you right now.

Best of luck,

Heather

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014):

I would keep bringing up certain activities to find out what else he enjoys doing. It can be difficult especially if he donsn't want to hear it. But making him understand that in order to have a healthy, and happy relationship the two of you need to enjoy doing different things together. Since it is a fairly new relationship I think the best thing to do is communicate in a way that he won't take offense, and let him know that you deserve more than what he is giving you.

Best of luck to you,

Heather

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (30 June 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt I agree with Mark1978, this sounds like a monogamous FWB, not much like a relationship. I am not saying that he must be using you or that he does not care, maybe he is just a lazy guy or just somewhat clueless, but in all this the Bf experience is sorely missing, the zing, the zest, the courtship and romance part, the pleasure of organizing little surprises for you , of tryng new stuff together, of sharing interests...all the things that make the difference between living a love relationship and just getting regularly laid ( although in an affectionate, companionable way ).

If he was always like that, then he is more probably just a lazy, low energy type , or, like I said, just clueless, obviously his previous partners did not take him to task about it and did not teach him anything relationshipwise- so you will have to do it.

If it's somewhat of a change, of a recent development, .. he's getting tired and bored, but wants to keep things as they are because they are convenient and EFFORTLESS.

Talk to him and find out what's what.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntThis relationship sounds more like best mates who have sex, rather than boyfriend and girlfriend. As you say yourself:

"we dont go out much, we never really did, but we would always go to each others houses and hang out have sex and chill."

He isn't making the effort and probably enjoyed the more relaxed early part of the relationship when it was chilling out and having sex, but now you have got to the stage of wanting more he is hesitant, showing reluctance and making excuses.

You need to speak to him, tell him he needs to make more effort. You cant expect this relationship to last unless he makes more effort, shows willing and does more than come round for sex. You have become more of a friends with benefits situation than a relationship.

Talk to him and if he refuses to change then move on and find someone who is willing to make the effort. Telling you he loves you is one thing, giving you the whole relationship experience is quite another.

Mark

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