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I still think he cares. How can I convince him that I am fine? Or should I even try?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Friends, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2017)
A female United States age , *oisac writes:

I was in a five year relationship with a man I loved.

He lived with me in my home and we did everything together. We saw a counselor together because we had broken up in the past.

In one session the counselor made some comment about my memory because I didn't remember some detail about a car. This created a doubt in my fiancé's mind and he left.

We both had had spouses who died of Alzheimer's disease and don't want to go through it again. I understand this; however I find no evidence of anything wrong.

I live alone, take care of my home, pay my bills and remember appointments. We run into each other every other week and I think he still cares for me.

How can I convince him that I am fine. Or should I?; he left the relationship without seeking confirmation of my mental state. I am 82 years old and he is 78.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017):

I would not try to convince him.

I am sorry he went through this before but he has shown if something happens to you he would bail.

You might want to talk to a lawyer though about a counsellor giving you medical advise which they cannot do. The counsellor caused you to lose your relationship. That counsellor should also be reported to the state you are in medical board for giving medical advice when they are not qualified. Please do this so it does not happen to anyone else because next time the results could be worse.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

It's difficult isn't it? You could get a test done to allay his fears, but who says that it won't strike later, for either one of you. And you're as worried as he is about having to nurse him, if it happens to him?

If there's this degree of reluctance to go through this again (and I don't blame either of you for feeling this way), then I can't see the point of either of you having a relationship with anyone. Unless a future partner can guarantee you that they will never require a certain level of nursing, which is obviously impossible I don't see any future in relationships.

How nice though, that you still care for each other. Meet up as friends perhaps, sometimes?

By the way, your memory sounds a lot better than mine and I'm only 55! So it sounds as if you're doing rather well to me :-)

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Abella agony auntI like your spirit and optimism because it is clearly doing wonders for your outlook and you clearly are coping well with life.

I commend you for keeping active and running your own household, remembering appointments, and paying your own bills. Trust me on this, many people younger than you can sometimes forget some or occasionally all these things, or not manage some domestic requirements adequately, for a variety of reasons.

I think the counsellor way over-stepped the mark in casting doubt on your memory. It is not the role of a counsellor to be judgemental. Even younger people forget things all the time. It does not necessarily mean nor indicate the onset of Alzheimer's disease.

You certainly do not need to put yourself into a position of appearing to plead for him to consider resuming the relationship.

You are doing just fine on your own.

But you do miss his companionship.

Maybe he does underestimate your coping skills, but a lack of coping skills is not evident at all, based on your post.

He was tough to walk out on the relationship the way he did. Perhaps he was thinking of the the past and not wanting the future to be a replica of the past, when his late partner suffered from Alzheimer's disease.

You too experienced how draining Alzheimer's can be for two people in a relationship where one person is suffering Alzheimer's and the other person is trying to cope with their life and the put some order into the life of their afflicted partner.

Rather than put all your eggs in one basket I suggest you consider joining another mixed social group.

You appear to have the energy and motivation to want to be more social with others and enjoy the company of others in your life.

Also check out if there is an indoor pool nearby that holds mixed acqua-robics classes. Such exercise can result in some happy social interaction where it is safe and well regulated by the instructor, and can put some joy into life.

Continue to greet him and converse with him briefly, when you see him next. Maybe ask him what he has been doing. How he is getting on. What he is looking forward to. And then wish him well and be on your way.

Is there anything in particular that drove the two of you apart to the point where you sought counselling? The reasons may not be about you at all. It may be that he had his own reasons for wanting the partnership to end, and so was willing to consider any excuse as "good enough".

However, if you feel comfortable about it, you could invite him over for a meal in a casual way. Is there anything in particular that he enjoyed eating that you made for him, in the past? (let's, just as an example, say he loved your apple pie) Maybe, when you meet him while while out shopping you could casually introduce the idea of a meal together. (and just as an example) suggest that (if you were able to truthfully say) that you just bought some apples for apple pie and then add to the conversation by saying to him, "Jim I'd love to share that with you. Would you like to come over for a visit tomorrow for a

slice of that apple pie? I know you always loved my apple pie"

If the invite is refused then it is time to cast your net further and look around for what ever else will result in some positive interactions for you.

If you can afford a short cruise then that would be another way to introduce some joy into your life and give you some lasting happy memories of a good social experience.

Keep on being active and engaged in life as it is keeping you young and able to participate in life.

If he cannot see value in seeing you again then it is entirely his loss. You still have love to give and you still have the desire and motivation to seek out a caring companion to bring additional joy to your life. I wish you well for the future.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think you OWE him anything. And I don't think you CAN convince him if he has made his mind up that you are not.

A counselor can NOT diagnose you with Alzheimer any more than the average layperson. So for your BF to take an isolated incident of you not remembering something (honestly who doesn't FORGET things we deem UNIMPORTANT?! at any age?) and end it speaks volumes about his fear of living through Alzheimer's again. He rather be alone than RISK going through it again. THAT is his choice, I say YOU move on and if you STILL want a life-partner look elsewhere. This man may still care and that is nice but pointless for you.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (9 January 2017):

singinbluebird agony auntSweetheart, I am sorry this happened to you. But if a man has decided to leave instead of chosing to love, give you compassion, and understanding---then he is not the right man for you.

If he was with you and loved you and knew you had some memory loss/or possibility of it, he would have stayed to take care of you. I think its best to move on. He made his decision clear.

Its hard to find companionship as you age, but certainly try reach out to your family, friends, and to your commmunity for support or for quality time together.

Wishing all best.

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