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The sex is good but I want more!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'll get straight to the point: I'm not happy with my sex life. I'e been with my husband for 15 years, we're married for 4. we are happy in our realtionship- though there are always things to work on. He works a lot, which is fine. He is caring and attentive- he doesn't leave me to just do the housework, I work too and have a career!

And while the sex we have is good, I want more. Partly because he works so much and sex always gets left to last thing and often missed. Partly because my needs have changed over the years and I want a little more excitement. I feel our sex life is moving backward instead of forward. A real bug bear is oral sex- he refuses to do it. He also doesn't want to recieve it, he thinks that makes it alright- though he genuinely doesn't want it, it's not that he refuses to get away with returning the act.

I've tried talking to him about it (our sex life in general), we've argued about it, I've moaned about it and I've tried to be the instigater, but it's never worked.

I really think that I deserve the sex life that I want and am becoming increasingly tempted to find it elsewhere. Am I wrong to think this way? What else can I do?

View related questions: oral sex, sex life

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (26 January 2017):

Divorce him. Then you can screw all the men you want and he can find a woman who loves respects and appreciates him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017):

Sorry to hear you're not satisfied. But as a woman, I have to say that I myself do not equate oral sex on a man with oral sex on a woman. Because of the "juices", going down on a woman is more like going down on a man with swallowing at the end. Since not every woman swallows (I won't do it), I'm not sure I can absolutely expect a man to do the same. And it seems that there are serious health risks (cancer) that a man can get from this, like was posted below. But I'm sure others will disagree. Also, hands and penetration are enough for me, so I guess I'm lucky that way....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017):

It is funny as a man asked almost the same question and people seem much more sympathetic about his needs (maybe you two should get together, since both of your spouses are so unaccommodating).

I think it is very unfair that he is letting you down in this way. Sorry but marriage involves sex, and that is one of the most basic bonding experiences. Most women don't like penetrative that much, which leaves the other. He is being incredibly selfish. I would get counseling and/or sex counseling to figure out what his hangups are that he will not do this. It could very well be that he is possibly homosexual, so it disgusts him.

I for one don't think that is acceptable behaviour in a partner. You love them, you fulfill their needs. Does he want you to be tempted to cheat?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017):

The OP may wish to read this:

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/STIs/Pages/oral-sex-and-cancer.aspx

From the NHS article:

"Currently, there is very little research that has looked at the possible risks from giving oral sex to a man compared to giving oral sex to a woman. But we do know that HPV-related oropharyngeal cancer is twice as common in men than women, and is most common in heterosexual men in their 40s and 50s (compared to the rates in homosexual men)."

"This indicates that performing cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman) is more risky that performing fellatio (oral sex on a man)."

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly I think the last thing you should do is cheat on your husband. Talk to him and tell him how much you like oral sex. Ask him why he doesn't like it. Maybe you can both try it in the shower or add some flavored gel to make it better for him. Talk to each other.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017):

OP here, thanks for the replies.

Most of your advice was not constructive. As one poster commented, I came here looking for advice and insight, not to be talked down to like I'm a child thowing a tantrum over sweets. And to the male reader comparing my situation to those who are living in poverty- really? You probably shouldn't be responding to these posts.

The final poster also seems to get what I'm trying to say and summed it up nicely. I agree with you, they seem to be my only two options. Those who suggested I talk/get counselling, I agree- I need to have the talk- again- but make it clear that it is something not to underestimated.

To those of you who thought it was ok to just tell me I'm wrong, I ask you: do you get everything you want out of your sex lives? Honestly? If so, good for you. Not all of us are so lucky. Of course, I should never force someone to do something they don't want to, but why does that mean I should never recieve oral sex again for the rest of my life? I know marriage is about compromise, but some things can't be 'balanced' like others and what those things are are a matter of personal opinion.

Those of you who answered constructively, thanks- it's helped me to 'calm down' and try to think of the situation in a more approached way. It won't change the fact I still want better sex. But, for now, it's stopped me doing something stupid out of sheer frustration.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

To be honest if you ask this question of Dan Savage (a professional sex advice columnist) you will probably get a very different answer than you will from most people here. Dan thinks (and I agree with him) that oral sex has become a 'standard' in modern sexual relationships. You used to be able to divorce a spouse for not engaging in intercourse. Probably someday soon the same will be true for oral sex.

Have you tried explaining to your husband how very important it is to you?

If lack of oral sex is a dealbreaker for you, and he refuses to give it to you, I think you have two options: opening your marriage or divorce.

Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

I'm sorry to see some people have invalidated your feelings on here . You came on here for advise and help , not to be chastised like a child . All feelings are valid and simply because you and your husband have different ideas on sexual styles this is not the end of the marriage . I would strongly advise you to seek counselling either together or if he won't go , go alone . Find an informed compassionate therapist who is knowledgable in sexual issues . They will not judge or compare you to anyone , nor will they invalidate either your feelings or your husbands . They will help

You both to explore the issues and perhaps understand why he feels the way he does and maybe come to compromise and hopefully a more satisfying sexual relationship for you both

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

All feelings are valid and simply because you and your husband have different ideas on sexual styles this is not the end of the marriage .

I would strongly advise you to seek counselling either together or if he won't go , go alone .

Find an informed compassionate therapist who is knowledgable in sexual issues . They will not judge or compare you to anyone , nor will they invalidate either your feelings or your husbands .

They will help you both to explore the issues and perhaps understand why he feels the way he does and maybe come to compromise and hopefully a more satisfying sexual relationship for you both

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A female reader, Nittynora United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2017):

Nittynora agony auntHonestly I think you should consider your husbands needs here, you say he works a lot perhaps he does not feel like more sex.

He also helps you with the housework, my husband does too that's why I realise I am so lucky, you are lucky.

He is caring and attentive, you are lucky many men are not.

He refuses to give or receive oral sex, so what, respect that.

Your sex life is good = so what is the problem.

Let me tell you something I was married before ( this is my second marriage) my marriage was celibate for 12 years, I left him because I wanted children. THATS when you moan when you are in a situation like that.

All through your text I keep seeing the words "I want" what about what you husband wants?

Okay so you leave, you meet someone else who screws your brains out three times a day, but turns out to be a right swine in every other way.

I don't usually tell people off on here, but it sounds like you have a beautiful husband, cherish him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

Get a toy, and have him use it on you. Max pleasure and little effort for him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

"I really think that I deserve the sex life that I want and am becoming increasingly tempted to find it elsewhere."

Why do you think you deserve this? Did you earn it or something? Who said you are entitled to have *all* the things you want? Most people in the world do not have what they want, or even the basic things they need. Why are you better than them? I'm asking you a serious question.

I'm about the same age as you. I remember people declaring us in the 1980s to be the start of the "me me me" generation. I can see why now. Since you are so focused on getting the things you apparently "deserve" in the short term, keep in mind that this marriage will likely fail, you will end up with someone else who entertains you until you decide you deserve even more, and you may look back in the long term wondering if you should have just enjoyed what you had.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2017):

Phil052 agony auntThis is a difficult one as there is an element of sexual incompatibility in your marriage that I can see is frustrating you. The lack of oral sex for instance can be a big issue for people. Was this an issue before you got married?

You have to balance these frustrations against a wider evaluation of the marriage. You could meet someone who met your every sexual need, but who you don't get on with outside the bedroom. Sex is just part of the whole marital picture so be careful what you wish for!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

YouWish agony auntTo put it mildly, *yes*, you're wrong to think this way. The sum total of marriage doesn't boil down to a sexual position or a desired activity. If the roles were reversed, and he wanted to perform rough anal sex on you and that wasn't your cup of tea, it would be wrong of him to either try to pressure, guilt, or manipulate you into doing it, OR get it elsewhere.

Oral sex is just one of thousands of ways to become sexually adventurous. I feel your pain - I very much love oral sex as well, and for a long time, my husband wasn't going for it (it went both ways too - It took me time to get used to the taste of giving oral sex as well).

You've been married 4 years and together for 15. You both should take a vacation away from where you are - preferably out of state and away from known society. Buy some sex toys and games. Read some books on sensual play. You'll find ways to have orgasms that are every bit as intense and amazing as oral sex can give.

It takes more than two warm bodies and a sex drive. Sex is like a musical instrument, full of scales, arpeggios, and complicated rhythms. The secret is to find the perfect fusion of styles, and to build on that skill and knowledge. Doing that takes true intimacy, both emotional and physical. That's why your arguing and pressure as well as his stubbornness and laziness actually works against both of you. Getting away from it all for a bit could be a really good thing for you both.

Otherwise, if there are other factors that might be building an energy of negativity in your relationship/marriage, talking to a counselor for some preventative marital maintenance may be a very good thing. Otherwise, the key is adventure and practice, not being hung up on one activity. Good luck to you both!

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