A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started dating this boy 3.5 years ago. Things were a bit rubbish for the first year. He saved pictures of his ex semi-naked on a hidden folder on his pc, he text and rang her lots and he even met up with her secretly. He did not sleep with her or physically cheat, but in my opinion he did emotionally cheat. We had a big argument when I found out and he cried and said he never wanted her, he just liked the attention she gave him as he says it made him think he was wanted by other people than just me and that boosted his ego. He said he'd never talk to her again if that could make the relationship work. So, I thought we'd give it ago. So that was 2.5years ago when the contact stopped. Although we get on fine now, and he hasn't contacted her since, I still think about it weekly. I still compare myself to her and dream about her. I don't think they'll ever rekindle what-was (plus she has moved on and has a LT bf too)but I don't quite get why I still think about it so often. It puts me in a real bad insecure/grumpy mood at times and I don't quite know how to resolve it. Please, please help! And please don't say I'm just a jealous gf because I don't feel that that is the issue :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): I love what Cerberus has said. I have listen to his advice many times and I would have to say he gives very good advice.
I agree with what he said 100%. Now for my two sense.
What Cerberus said about your mind is something I really want you to consider. You need to know that even if you move on from this problem and never really resolve what your mind keeps throwing out there. You will never get peace and it will get worse and worse.
Your relationship will fail if your mind keeps bringing this up after, it would be best to end it. IF you keep thinking like this. I'm sorry to say it will only destroy if you keep hiding it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Your problem is very similar to this ladies, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-trust-my-b-f-but.html another Irish woman too and another weasly little dick who cried to get away with it but never actually resolved the issue.
What the hell is wrong with my fellow countrymen and women these days? It seems every girl falls for the waterworks these days and the "I don't know why I did it, boo-hoo" bullshit. That is feminism gone wrong, sensitivity is no excuse for emotional weakness OP and frankly guys who cry as a ploy to get away with crap sicken me.
Okay rant over, sorry, I'm just hearing about this so much these days. So many women let their guys get away with some awful crap and a couple of tears and it's fine.
But it's not OP. Like this other girl you let him get away with too much.
He crossed a major boundary and one you would never have let any other guys get away with and you let this one get away with cheating on you for an entire year. Now you may have believed his bullshit excuse and let him off with it but your mind isn't going to let you get away with pawning this off the way you did.
That was a deal-breaker OP, that was a reason for you to move on and while you fought to forgive and fought to stay with him your mind just will not accept it for the simple fact OP it didn't get resolved, your mind got no satisfaction, it simply will not trust a guy who can do that and do it for so long and your mind just will not accept his patethic excuse you want to know why? " him think he was wanted by other people than just me and that boosted his ego." That's why, because if that's why he did it then there is simply every possibility he will do it again with someone else.
I could be wrong OP so consider the opinions of others but I honestly think you're fighting a losing battle against your mind. What he did wasn't some drunken semi-accidental shift in a nightclub, he cheated on you in the long term, spent a full year emotionally and possibly physically cheating with her and while you'd like to move on you literally cannot fight your survival instincts, it makes you insecure and grumpy because you're relationship will never be secure OP. If he can cheat on you for a full year then you just will never be truly able to tell yourself he won't do it again. For all you know he could be doing it right now.
The only part she has to play in this is she's your minds physical representation of the utter betrayal he committed and then came up with the most horrendous excuse along with the waterworks to cover his ass. OP, if you were me reading your story, would you believe that this guy can ever be trusted again?
A mistake is a one time deal, a year is not a mistake OP. A year is a long term betrayal and the most selfish one too. To make it worse he lied to cover his ass and you accepted that. "said he never wanted her" Oh yeah? Well a goddamn year of sneaking around with her and fooling around with her says otherwise doesn't it?
You just never know when he gets that urge to find another "ego boost" or to "feel wanted by other people".
I can't see how you'll resolve that in your mind OP, you accepted the unacceptable and it doesn't seem to have eased your insecurities. He may just have crossed that point of no return too long ago.
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