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Husband took advantage of my drunken state

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 16 November 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, *e88 writes:

I'm not really sure what to do. Two nights ago, my husband and I went to a party. I drank, he did not. I drank a little too much and was barely functioning. We came home and had sex. He went soft so I rolled over and passed out. Next thing I know, he rolls me back over, gets himself hard, spreads my legs, does his thing, then cover me up and goes to sleep. He thinks I don't know own it happened and claims I fell asleep during our first attempt. Yes I was sort of awake but I was so drunk I couldn't even walk. Do I approach him about this? Or just let it go?

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A female reader, Eagle'sfan1986 United States +, writes (16 November 2016):

I will definitely talk to him about what happen two nights ago after the party when you two got home. And he had sex with you the second time after you passed out hun. I think it is rape also since you were passed out from having sex the first time. Did he know you were awake when he entered inside you the second time?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (3 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntTalk to him about this. It is not acceptable just to assume he can take sex when you are asleep. If it was me it would plague me until I spoke to him about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2016):

I'd leave a man that did that. He clearly thinks it's his right to do what he wants. Pretty disgusting.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (1 November 2016):

YouWish agony auntI saw your question yesterday and thought about it off and on. I wanted to really consider my response to you, because of the legal, emotional, and even moral ramifications of my advice. I had to separate what *I* would do if it happened from what it is, because the issue really *IS* all about consent and the purpose of sex.

To get to the point, it's very murky. If this were a legal issue, there would be SOME courts who would say that's rape since you were too intoxicated to legally give consent. Some courts would not say that it was rape, because it could be argued that you initiated with your husband and he could argue that the two attempts were really the same session. I personally don't agree with that.

Here's what my brain kept circling:

What's not in dispute is that he not only did take advantage of you, he turned the very purpose of partner sex on its head. You're not just a penis-holder whose body is there for someone else to use. How could you connect emotionally with him when you were barely functioning?? How could you have good sex with him when you were unconscious?? You can't!

The only thing that matters is how YOU feel about this. If you are bothered by what happened, you need to confront him and tell him that it can never happen again. He was not intoxicated. You were. You're not okay with having sex when you're wasted. That needs to be painfully and completely clear. If he loves you, he will honor that.

One thing you must not do is blame yourself. You didn't invite it by drinking. Even in marriage, you have the right to consent or not. You're not a sex doll. You're a real person and you have the right to have your full consciousness during every sex act. As others have said and I agree with, the case could be said for rape in this instance. Only you own how you feel about what he did.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (1 November 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntOh hell yeah. Not on, hubby or not. Visually that actually makes me feel sick to my stomach. He is your husband and not some actor in a cheesy frat house movie.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (31 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThat's rape. I'm so sorry he violated you. The "good" news is he probably didn't think it was rape, so he didn't do that intentionally, but he did know you were out of it and he should know that you can't consent when you're like that.

Definitely bring it up to him and tell him he can never do that again.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

By all means bring it up to him. You're his wife and he has no reason to take advantage of you in a state of intoxication. Knowing you're unable to give yourself willingly.

You are disturbed about it, and until you address it; it will plague your thoughts.

I understand exactly how it feels to have someone take advantage while you're out of it. I don't wish to go into details; but it happened to me once and I woke-up in the middle of it. I was very sore and I felt violated; although I'd been dating him for quite some time. I didn't say anything. I wish I had. I got tested twice after that. It was years ago.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

mystiquek agony auntOf COURSE you bring it up! Your husband had sex without your consent? That's rape honey, any way you look at it. You tell him in no uncertain terms does he EVER try that stunt again. Its called respect. Make sure you get it from him or get out. What he did was wrong any way you slice it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntOH, you bring it up. OR he will presume that it's OK.

How, but telling him:" Darling you will NEVER do that again. When I'm that drunk I can't consent and YES even in a marriage you need consent, I am NOT your blow up doll."

Simple.

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