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I love her but I am nervous about the pressure to marry her so soon after the start of our LDR relationship. How should I respond to this pressure?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 March 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Dear all

i've been with my girlfriend since June last year and we've not had any problems.

I've had 3 girlfriends before her but nothing has even come close to this. I know that she is the right one for me. She is probably the only person i have ever met that I can really be myself with.

We currently are living in different countries after her visa here expired in january, but after the summer either I will work where she is or she will come to work where I am.

I will visit her this summer for 3 months and will either start a PhD in my country or if my applications are all unsuccessful then I will go to work where she is. If i stay here then she will try to get a job here and a family member of mine is confident he can give her a job.

She is very keen to get married to me this summer. She seems to have her heart set on it. I love her so much and I do want to marry her, i know she is the girl i want to spend my life with.

But i feel a bit afraid as it's quite fast, i'm nervous how i would tell my parents and family, they absolutely love her but i'd still be nervous to tell them.

She has asked me a few times if i am afraid of it and i've tried to tell her that i am a bit but i didn't want to make her feel disappointed. Ideally i'd like to get engaged with her this summer and then get married once we are living together.

But, getting married would make it easier to live together for visa reasons and it is something i want to do eventually, I just feel nervous about getting married so soon after starting our relationship.

I really love her and have no doubts she is the one for me, just nervous about the speed and what my family and friends may think if we go through with it.

any advice?

View related questions: different countries, engaged

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntMuch to fast, honestly you haven't even been dating a year yet, and some off your relationship has been long distance so no don't rush in to getting married. It will put a lot off pressure on your relationship. You both just need to make the LDR work until you are ready to get married, it is clear you are not ready just yet.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (17 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt's way too fast. If she can get a job through your family, marriage shouldn't be used to close the distance. You barely know each other (coming from someone in an LDR for two years), so it really would be way too fast to marry after only a year *and* long distance.

Tell her you love her, but there's no rush and getting married so soon could actually ruin your relationship. If she throws a fit, then she's not marrying you, she just wants to get married. Patience is important and not having that would cause problems in the future.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think it makes a LOT more sense to get engaged first, then a year or so later (if things are GREAT) to marry. There should be no rush no matter how "perfect" you feel you are for each other.

And I think you should be honest with her.

If she can get a work visa through your family, you should not HAVE to get married for a visa.

To be honest, living together for a year is a GOOD minimum amount of time BEFORE getting married. You have only really known each other for 8 months so far, but never lived together.

USE common sense here. Marriage is a serious undertaking.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (17 March 2017):

chigirl agony auntI know the feeling of wanting to do something, but being worried of what others might think or say. It's not easy to go against the current, or go against what others want us to do. But after all, it is YOUR life. You have the right to make the decisions that are right for you. I think you should think about this: if everyone, family and friends, would be thrilled to hear you getting married this summer, would you then do it? And are you nervous about it only because you worry what other people will say?

Or, would you be nervous and feeling like it's too soon, even if everyone were happy for you?

People move at different speeds, and if you know in your heart and mind (mind is important too, not just the heart) that she is the one for you and who you want to marry, then follow that feeling. Just because others would want to do things later on, doesn't mean you have to wait. Also, there are others again who move a lot faster and get engaged/married before a year has passed also. Statistically, there's a bit more of a chance of a marriage lasting 7+ years if a couple has been together for 2 years prior to getting married, especially in your age group. But, I believe, if you are a person who believes in marriage and don't just marry because everyone expects you to and who thinks marriage is the same as a relationship and nothing more... then you have a stronger chance of making it a lasting marriage. It's all about the level of commitment, really, and not about the length of time you have been in a relationship prior to marriage.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017):

Don't do it unless you're perfectly happy! Your family's opinions aren't as important as yours, and your girlfriends.

Not meaning to put a dampener on things, but your question does read like there's the potential that she is trying to use you for a visa. Please don't get me wrong- I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, but I am saying as an outsider to your situation, it sounds like it could be. Especially if she is pressuring you.

Your idea sounds right, get engaged, she moves over short term if she can, then spend time together, then marry. Don't marry because it would make things easier, it hardly ever really does.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think what your friends and family think should be the LEAST of your worries. THEY are not the ones who would be getting married.

Also getting a visa easier is not really a good reason to marry.

If your gut feeling is that this is too soon, then it IS too soon. Stick to your guns and get engaged this summer if you want to, but do not be pressured into making commitments you are not ready to make.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017):

Never give into pressure to marry until you are very very certain. You are a long time married (Hopefully) and there are issues to work out together before you rush into marriage.

Here are a few -

your relationship to money and saving and spending.

Are the two of you on the same page?

what savings do you each have ? Is one of you a spender and one a saver? Could be the start of problems to come if not similar

Are you tidy and dislike messy? What is she is messy and is not bothered by a mess?

There are so many more questions.

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