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What needs to change to improve this family situation? It has caused tension between my husband and I.

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 March 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 20 March 2017)
A female India age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Dear Aunts please help me to solve this problem. I've been married for 3 years.

My husband is a wonderful,kind,generous man. He is the youngest in his family with 3 elder sisters and 2 brothers.

I always had a feeling that his eldest sister does not like me because of some things she had said to me. Recently my husband's family had a function at their home. I was not sure if i would attend but after a lot of thinking I decided to attend.

After spending almost 5 hours on the road we reached. I was ignored by all except my mother in law.

The sisters and one of the sisters in law were ignoring me completely as if I didn't exist. I tried helping them in the kitchen but the situation made me very uncomfortable so i left the kitchen and remained in the room till my 2nd sister in law came.

She is a sweetheart and we get on really well.

She wasn't ignored in the night but next morning i heard her complaining to her husband that she was getting ignored too.

I don't know what was wrong.

When i complained to my husband he said they were wrong but we were wrong as well because we didn't help them in the kitchen.

I explained to him the situation but he didn't seem to take it seriously. When we were on our way back we got into a huge argument.

He was accusing me of spoiling his evening with his family and not waiting till we got back home to tell him about it.

I felt very hurt.

Then again we argued and it escalated to a point where he called his family and asked why they ill treated me like that.

I never wanted him to call them.

I just wanted him to be on my side and console me. He didn't even want to talk about it. We are not talking to each other for 3 days.

I don't know how to handle this situation. I'm very disappointed in him.

View related questions: sister in law

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2017):

Hi this is the OP. Thank you so much for your time . My husband and I had a long conversation about the issue a couple of days ago. He agreed that his family was disrespectful towards me but he said he can't do much about it as he can't change their bad attitude. So we agreed that I'm going to avoid attending any family gatherings hereafter. The more we talked the more we realized that all the fights that kept happening between us all this while was because of his family. So he decided it's best if i avoid such situations. But I can't stop him from seeing his family especially his mom so I don't have any problem if he visits her and attends functions. Also he said if anything like that happens in the future he will take full responsibility and be on my side. I made it clear that they will not get a proper welcome in our home when they visit us. I feel like I have tolerated enough. I was always very nice to them even when the eldest sister kept going on about my weight (i'm not even fat). I just gained a couple of pounds after i got married. She keeps reminding me that I'm gaining weight every time we meet. Once my husband got really angry and told her to apologise for what she said. anyway I'm kind of alright now. Hoping for the best. Thank you so much for your great advices.really appreciate it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

Oh boy you poor girl.I am living this exact thing.Your husband lashed out at you because he did not know how to handle what you told him. He may be afraid of them like mine is but he will never admit it. All of us sister in law's hung out at family events together...Because my husband's whole family would actually shun us and our children. All of the sister in law's were treated like dirt. Two divorced because they could not take it anymore because his mother and sisters were so cruel to us. They would gossip and lie about us to make themselves feel good about themselves. Then guess what the other brothers moved across the country to get away from them and remarried. We also moved very far from them. Now life is good no more crap from the bitches. That really was the best thing we ever did.No more stressfilled holidays for me. If your husband does not defend you you have permission to defend yourself from those insane women. Always remember not to take anything they say or do too serious as they are more than not insane. Oh and let me tell you all the sisters and their kids were golden all the sister in law's to them were dirt. It just makes me think WTF is wrong with people.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou have to understand that men and women treat complaining very differently. Women (as in your case here) often just want to get things off their chest and get moral support. Men, on the other hand, have been raised to fix things and, if a woman complains to them about something, they feel obliged to do something about it.

It takes two to maintain a silence so be the bigger person and ask your husband if you can talk. Apologise for spoiling his evening (even if it was completely unintentional - and an apology always makes things easier).

As your mother in law is not in the group ignoring you, could you ask her what is going on and what you can do to make relationships easier with the other females in her family? Your other option is to avoid family gatherings as much as possible, or stick with the sister in law who you are friends with. The best thing would be to learn not to let their behaviour get to you, although I do appreciate this is not easy.

Your No 1 priority needs to be to make it up with your husband before your relationship suffers further.

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