A
female
age
41-50,
*itris
writes:Trying to keep this short, I was in a relationship with "Frank" for a while before it went down hill and he cheated, we split. We were the best of friends prior to dating and did our best to stay friends through everything. Over the past year we casually dated, while seeing other people. I love him with all my heart, never thought I would find anyone this well matched to me. However he opted to get back together with an ex(Gal he was with when we first met, and who hates me mind you!) and is now living with her. For the past 2 months or so I have not seen or spoken with him, I needed to be away from him while making other changes in my life(job and whatnot).Recently my father, who he is fond of, became ill and I dropped him a note to let him know. He called me immediately and for the past 2 weeks we have been talking on the phone a bit. He wants to see me and says he found a journal of mine in his things when he moved in with now current girlfriend, that he wants me to have back. I am nervous about seeing him, would like to, but don't know if I'm prepared for any residual feelings that may come with it. I did let him know this. He's been understanding, but still wants to see me. We've made tentative plans to get together this coming weekend(his girlfriend works nights) after I get off work. Usually I'm a great communicator and have no problem judging situations and keeping myself together, however when it comes to Frank I always seem to fall apart and back into negative behaviors of wanting him back and generally making a fool of myself when it comes to him. I've always had an open door/open book policy with my friends, however in this case none of them even know that I've spoken with him recently and I'm afraid to say anything to any of them. I don't want lectures, advice or judgement. Too many people got involved in the mess we made of our relationship/friendship before and I would like to avoid that, so this is where I've come. Is it a very bad idea to see him, if I do should I keep it short and sweet, get the journal and get out and go about not having him in my life, or should I play it cool regardless of whatever feelings might slap me in the face when seeing him and just ride it out? I know that neither of us are in a place to get back together and commit, he's not even able to commit to his current girl even though he lives with her...I've let him know that there is no chance for us as far as I can see regardless of how much we care for each other unless we both decide mutually that we will commit and make a mutual effort to share a life together. I know what I deserve and it's not to be "the other woman" or someone's "play thing"... any assistance advice or words of encouragement are much welcomed and thank you!
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Thats the spirit Citris. A person who just dissappears is not somebody u caould rely on anything because they never consider other people's feelings how their actions will affects them and this is another trait of immaturity.
A
female
reader, citris +, writes (2 December 2007):
citris is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just an update in case anyone was interested. We spoke again for awhile the other night and made plans for Frank to call this weekend and we'd see each other. However I've not heard from him and no intention of pushing it and calling him. His mother called me today looking for him, she said that his car broke down the other day and she hasn't been able to reach him since Friday...Not surprised, he usually dissapears whenever he feels upset/mad/ashamed about something. I've decided to have him drop the journal off at my work and be done with it. Thank you everyone for supporting me in that decision and in my feelings regarding this situation!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): You know who he is and what kind of guy he is. You know it's a bad idea to open yourself up to getting back with him. Either you do it or you do not.
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A
female
reader, citris +, writes (29 November 2007):
citris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded! Just to clarify a bit because it sounds like everyone thinks I "stole" him away from the girl he is with now whom he was with when him and I first met, this is not the case. We didn't become close until after he and her broke up and he was casually dated other people as was I, we began spending so much time together and fell for each other and decided to date one another exclusively at that time. She and him were friends the whole time i was with him, she is not the one he cheated on me with, that gal is no longer part of his life as she is an alcoholic with serious problems and it was a short term fling for him. I am in no way making excuses for his behavior. I do see a pattern in it, in that he bounces from one gal to the next with no real time alone to discover himself and what he needs/wants/deserves. He's never as long as I've known him, and from what I understand been single longer than a few weeks in the past 5 years. That says ALOT.
Again, thanks for all the advice and encouragement. The journal is important to me, as I am a writer and it is part of a very important collection. Him not having contact with me for that time period was MY choice. I asked him to not call, I was trying to get on track with a new job and straiten some other parts of my own life out and he was an emotional distraction for me.
I think I will keep it short and sweet, though I'm sure he'll be bummed. He's not the important one here though right? I am. Any other idea's regarding this would be wholeheartedly accepted! :)
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (28 November 2007):
 How important is this journal to you? Or is that just an excuse for him to see you and try to draw you right back in. Knowone wants to be second best. So if I were you I would decline his invitation to meet altogether because when you start to have those second thoughts that is a sign that you are not doing the right thing. If this meeting was so innocent why are you hiding it from your other friends? You do not want to hear lectures or is it that you do not want them to convince you not to go or not to communicate with him period? Unlike a lot of other women who ask questions here you seem like you have it together and you know exactly what you need to do.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 He liked you, you liked him, he had a partner, nobody cared, he went with you (she dislikes you, with good reason), he went back to her, now you're thinking about being with him again.
One thing that stands out in my mind is there are three people in this mix. You deserve a partner, but not this one. He has a partner and when you keep the flames of cheating alive, you're contributing to the mess. He already has someone. She deserves respect from you because as a society, you're not supposed to get in the way. She deserves respect from him, he's her partner. Respect helps the world go around.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (28 November 2007):
Dear Citris
I always believe’ if it doesn’t feel right, it aint right’ Your relationship with this guy ended because he cheated on you I believe you can see this guy hasn’t changed a bit because he still fancy a relationship with you while he is with the other woman, think about it: If you do come to that mutual agreement while he is still with her don’t you think she will feel cheated on as well? Mind you when you met him he was with her so whats going on here? Are you willing to let your emotions runs in circle like this?
I think its high time you become proud of your decision and don’t look back. You know what you want in a relationship and this is not it, so move on yes it’s easier said than done but you need to start somewhere. If you take him back now what guarantees do you have he will not do it again, you can not live on promises without actions I think that’s a fair comment.
The fact that you don’t want other people to know that you are talking to him its because you are not proud of him, you are ashamed of him because of the way he treated you during the relationship period, I don’t think this is about how they will judge you or think of you. You have true feelings for him and that’s is not an easy thing to discard it will take time but you will have to be willing to change things, remember we cant control who you fall inlove with but we can choose who to be with.
Hope whatever choice you make will bring joy to your life.
Jovial
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A
male
reader, TomWilkinson  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 You've already clearly got your head screwed on, you just need to try and take your own advice when it comes to actually seeing him. You know yourself he is a serial cheater, so don't be drawn in again and do anything that will inevitably hurt you, and the person he's currently living with x
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (28 November 2007):
You really are caught up in a world of complex feelings women go through after break up. If you are that scared of your own emotions,tell him to drop it by your office. At least that way you can hide your emotions.Just try harder to think less of him because i see that he preoccupies your mind at times.Just try harder to act sane when you see him because it's more than likely that you still have a desire to see him. From my point of view,there's still hope of making things work between you two. I just hope your boyfriend has acquired the same desire recently. One thing's for sure,he still wants you as a friend.Does he want more and can he coommit only he can tell.All the best.
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female
reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (28 November 2007):
 It sounds like you know what you need to do. You know that it will only be hurtful to you to spend time with him now, and the fact that you realize that shows that you are already starting to move on in some ways...I think you can see him to get your journal and talk for a minute, but I would say keep it as short as possible and don't bring up anything to do with your past relationship or his current relationship at all, just keep it friendly and as long as he is with someone else, just try to move on and do your own thing.
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A
female
reader, KeRrI117 +, writes (28 November 2007):
 Yes you are right you dont deserve to be the other woman or someones play thing no one does and i know how that feels. But from what you said about him obviousley he still has feelings for you but it shouldnt have took an illness for him to call you and talk to you and by the sounds of it hes not ready for a commitment either. what puzzles me is when you and him first broke up he was still friends with you and talking to you. Why did he suddenly stop?
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