A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Last night my friend and I went out on the town, I dressed up, put on a nice dress, did my makeup properly and for once made an effort. My friend came out in jeans and a t-shirt. She's put her boyfriend back in the dating zone (he still loves her)and they're now more like 'friends with benefits'. So last night loads of guys were hitting on her, which didn't bother me too much, but when we talk all she talks about is all these different guys and how they drop down at her feat, she has no respect for men and treats them like shit and yet they cling onto every word she says. Whats worse is she says she doesn't like them while massively leading them on. She'll jump from guy to guy mashing their hearts and they still all love her. Also, she never pays her way completely with anything. Guys always buy her drinks and she has started not paying her way when we go out for dinner, letting me and my friends pick up the slack of her half paid share of things. Its starting to annoy me and I feel like i'm beginning to get a complex about my looks. She doesn't boost my confidence like she used too, instead of saying 'I like your dress' she'll say, 'O I didn't realise we were dressing up', which makes me feel ridiculous. I feel like she's intentionally trying to break my confidence, she never asks me how my love life is going and only talks about herself. I know you are all probably wondering why are we still friends, we were so close a couple of months ago and I still value are friendship, but I don't understand this change she's going through that's making her so self absorbed. I know i'm just being jealous and she's just having fun but I feel like i'm being cheated, I don't use guys, I don't throw myself at guys, i'm tall and kind hearted and never usually feel this way and end up talking like a petty bitchy so called-friend and yet I feel it's all so unfair. I'm scared i'll meet a guy that appreciates the innocent, book-worm, conservative woman and he'll meet her and be memorised with her wild spirit. I know i'm ridiculous. Thanks for letting me vent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): Assuming that you're not exaggerating, your friend sounds like a selfish narcissist. If she really *is* that bad, and you're not just venting after a bad day, then do yourself a favor and forget her.
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (29 January 2014):
 Your issue with her seems to have two parts:
1) the way she treats men
2) the way she treats her friends, including you.
Regarding her behavior toward the guys she dates: you may disapprove, you may feel jealous of the attention she receives, you may not understand why she breaks the hearts of nice guy after nice guy... these are all valid feelings to have but at the end of the day her love life is not your business. You said it yourself; she treats them like crap and they still go back to her, so on some level they're consenting to and participating in that dynamic. She isn't forcing them to put up with anything, at least not from what you've posted. So that's between her and them, not her and you.
The point where you DO have a valid complaint about her behavior is the part where she expects you and the rest of her friends to pick up bar and dinner tabs FOR her, every time, with no apparent gratitude or reciprocation. If she can't afford to go out, then she shouldn't be going out, and if she can she's just being cheap and using the rest of you. How do your other mutual friends feel about it? Have they noticed this about her as well? If you have not already told her this is unacceptable, I would do so. Be prepared for her to get angry and defensive, and for your friendship to suffer, but given that she isn't being a very good friend to you anyway (self-absorbed, etc) there isn't all that much to be lost here.
Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (29 January 2014):
 Greetings,
I couldn't give you a complete information on advice as I do not know your 'friend's' side of the story.
However how we see things determines our reality and from what you are seeing, feeling and how it appears when you vent (as you put it) reveals that she bother you in an extreme way.
Maybe because she has something you want or maybe you don't approve.
I find that their are two types of friends in the world.
Those that require the spotlight and those that are happy to share it.
If you honestly cannot handle her trying to grab all of the spotlight then consider where you find your friends and go from there
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 January 2014):
Time for new friends. Whether she's the problem or you are doesn't matter, you're not compatible friends any more.
I think she doesn't sound like a person I'd like to be friends with tbh with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): It would be really, really easy here to say that your friend is just being a selfish bitch and you should tell her to get lost. And I honestly wouldn't blame you if you did because I know for a fact that I can be far too caring for people and tend to try to help them even when they are hurting me. So when you read my suggestion bear in mind that I am not a professional and I am saying what I would do before just leaping to the decision to dump her - it may not be the right advice and it may not be right for you.The reason I hesitate to just say 'get rid' is because I can identify with both your own and her behaviour. When I was younger I didn't exactly have 'two sides' but I was shy, innocent and bookish BUT went through a phase of treating my friend horribly. I must have seemed almost exactly like your friend does to you. The difference maybe though is that being much older now I understand exactly why I behaved in that way and why I am actually more like the way you describe yourself.My home life and upbringing had been hellish, but no one knew. On the outside it looked like we had a bid house, a stable family and that there should be no problem. The truth could not have been more opposite. I won't even begin to go into the amount of dysfunction, but will just say that I was deeply, deeply confused and in a lot of pain about it and this caused me to behave in what seemed like a selfish and 'wild' manner socially, when underneath I felt like I wanted to die. It's more than easy for an attractive young woman to draw male attention - when you are young and pretty men are far, far more accepting of bad or awful behaviour because, at that age, they see it as a challenge to be overcome, to be captured or dominated. It's a very heady mix. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, never set out to calculatedly flirt with men, but found myself doing so. Inside I was desperately lonely and unloved. As a woman gets older and, with society being ageist as it is, becomes less obviously 'attractive', any bad behaviour simply isn't accepted in the same way. It's no longer seen as attractive, instead the woman will be seen as problematic or hard work. So a lot of the attention that your friend gets is purely to do with her age. She may or may not be going about it in a calculating way, I know I definitely wasn't and it got me into all sorts of problematic situations.The other issue about not paying her way, or seeming to mooch off you and/or put you down subtly but surely about your sense of self. This reeks of insecurity and a need to feel in control and even 'superior'. But it is absolutely possible that she herself doesn't udnerstand this behaviour for what it is. She may not be doing it deliberately but may somehow sense that, if she can get her friends to pay for her and can feel superior to them by not having to dress up/make them feel extremely self-conscious for doing so, then she somehow gets a little bit more power than she feels she has. She may just well feel really powerless underneath and these are ways for her to instinctively gain power.Really I can't explain how someone can carry out behaviour like this without really knowing what they are doing. It's not always evidence that they are a 'bad' person. But part of the problem will be that she is not taking responsibility for how it affects others, or even for how it is affecting her and her reputation. I would have loved, really loved, for a good friend to gently sit down with me and try to explain what was going on and that they cared and wanted to help. I'm not saying I would have been capable of responding in a good way - more likely I would have pretended that nothing was wrong. sometimes when someone feels like this, any attempt to help them can be taken, by them, as a sign that you want to control them or have 'one up' on them. I would have felt like that but, years later, I would have looked back and really, really appreciated that you at least tried to understand.On the other hand, she may well be a cold hearted bitch - they do exist and I'm often in the wrong for being too understanding about people's bad behaviour and end up getting hurt. It really is up to you to decide what to do - maybe give her a chance, but also realise she might not be able to take it up - her pride or her inner hurt may not let her. It might only be much later down the line that she 'gets' it and tries to reach out to you then. If her behaviour has changed, it can change again in future. It took me a long time to feel okay about being quiet, shy and bookish and it may be similar for her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 January 2014):
 I think you are MASSIVELY jealous of her and thus twisting what she says to make her seem mean.
Which I might add, is pretty petty for someone calling herself a "friend".
If she doesn't put money on the table when the bill is due, TELL her - hey you share is 15 pounds (or however much) if you KEEP paying she will assume you are all OK with it, when you really aren't. Just tell her I have no intentions of paying for you. You should be able to tell a FRIEND that.
A guy that goes for her type is not what you'd want, is it? I mean if all she has to do is flirt a little and they all fall over their feet to please her - is that the kind of guy you'd want? My guess is no. Don't feel cheated. She rubs a guys ego and gets a free drink.. Whoo Ha! is that really so grand?
Also she flirts, she "lets" guys buy her drinks, that really doesn't make her more attractive. Maybe her personality is more approachable then yours? The whole "I don't care what I look like, but wink wink, nudge nudge" seems to work for her.
I don't think she meant to be rude when she said I didn't know we were dressing up. Could be she just thought she was a little under-dressed and that could be why she is compensating so heavily by flirting.
Do you think ANY of those guys would take her serious? With the way she acts? Again, my guess is no.
If she continue to bug you, why not go out without her a few times? Or take a little break from her company?
Or you can try the "friends" approach and ask her what's up with her lately, if this indeed is new behavior.
If I look at my female friend and their personality types we have a bunch that is ALL over the place and I think that is why WE (still) mesh so well. It almost seems to me that you want her to be JUST like you, and not be her. That ins't going to happen.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (29 January 2014):
 My best advice: change of friend.
Bottom line (as they say nowadays): your friend don't get "every men" but just the ones who stands to the lower part of the ladder. If somebody gave you one of these idiots, you would feel ashamed to even share a cup of tea with him, as these specimen are just hormonal puppets. You seem to deserve much, much better than these cheap items. On the short term, for sure there are benefits to be with "easy people" but on the long term - and I wish you to live a long and happy life - they are nothing but troubles and disappointments. Trust me, dear !
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