A
female
age
51-59,
*aria1966
writes:Hi, I have been in a relationship for just over four years now , I have been engaged and split , married and divorced with 2 kids one of them leaving home in sept for universaty my other son suffers from ADHD and autism . My partners sons to his 20yr marriage which ended after she left them for another man , his eldest lives in cannada has for over a yr now , his youngest of 17 is backwards and forwards between them both . My partner has his own house , I live in a council house . I want us to move in together , but he does not he says we to old to start buying a house together I am 45 he is 44 . Plus he does not want to take on my dept that has biuld up over 7 yrs being a single parent on benefits temptation is always wavering . He said I needed to be working full time and that he only had four yrs to pay on his house , then out of the blue he said he was going to remorgage his house to pay some finance off and needed a new roof and guttering , I was really upset about it now he has longer to pay his mortgage off 10 more yrs . I just don't know what to do . I see him for 3 nights a week weekends he gets up and goes don't see him till the evening says he has things to do in his home cleaning, washing ect . It's causing a lot of friction between us . And now he lost his sex drive can go a month without having sex . I know he not having an affair . Only slept with 2 woman that's his ex wife and me .
View related questions:
affair, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): You want to live together, he doesn't. He may in the distant future,who knows. You just have to accept the situation, go with the flow.Or split up.
You say he has already said if you do split it may hurt for a bit etc, which is his way of saying 'this is how things are,take it or leave it'
There are other men out there, you would get over a split and move on,eventually. You know that you WANT to live with a man and your current man isn't meeting your needs.
How do you see yourself in 5 years?
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (22 February 2012):
 HI
I hear you, but you have to look at the bigger picture here, if your prepared to PUT up with this because his your first true love, then your life is never going to change, his set in his ways and made it obvious that if you want to leave him his actually not too bothered, im mean his prepared for you to split? time will heal?....I know how your heart must be crushed, but do you really want to waste your heart, time, and energy on a one sided relationship? if you think you can spend your life being happy like this ( which right now your not ) then you will have to put your feelings aside to do this! you dont deserve a life like this, you deserve to be with a man who will love you 100% back, who is willing to make a REAL secure future with you and your child. Which ever way you decide to go we are always here for support and to offer any advice best we can. I trully hope you realise your worth, and decide on the later!
Mandy xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I'm sorry but I think he has every right to not want to take on your debt, and that you're violating his personal boundaries by expecting to have access to his money just because you're now in a romantic relationship.
Just being in a relationship with someone doesn't entitle you to equal ownership of what they have. It doesn't absolve you of personal responsibility.
He's got his debts to take care of, and you have yours. If he decided he WANTED to help you with your debts then that's great. But if he doesn't, you have no right to expect it of him or to make demands.
I think he may be losing interest in you because you want to live off of him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Maria1966 +, writes (21 February 2012):
Maria1966 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya mandy , I have talked to him on many occasions about me being unhappy and not seeing him enough after 4 yrs of being together and we did get engaged 2 yrs ago we should be living together . He says he not ready always comes up with an excuse . He was prepared for us to split even saying it will hurt but time will heel and we will both move on with our lives . I have ended it twice with him already even taking my ring off . He is so selfish sometimes , but I can't live without him he is my first true love never felt so in love with anyone like I do with him and think to myself a few nights a week is better than nothing and would I be cutting my nose of to spite my face if I really did end it when deep down I don't . I am so confused .
...............................
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (21 February 2012):
HI
Ok I am clearer now on this situation, and can fully understand why your feeling the way you are. I think I would feel the same in this circumstances. Its been four years and still not much of a move forward. I personally would sit him down one last time and explain how your truely feeling, and if he still wont budge then I would concider moving on . If he dosen't want to commit after four years, even if it's moving in together ( a new house ) then he probably never will. Many of us like our space yes.....but He really wants a single life with you as a bonus. Maybe if you let him know that your not prepared to wait on the shelf any longer he may just open his eyes as to what he will loose. Ok people may also say whats wrong with living in seperate houses and continuing what you have now BUT if you want more and he doesn't, then how can you continue with this relationship feeling the way you do? you both have to be happy, and your not. Please speak to him, but dont be too timmid about it, be firm but fair about it.
Hope this helps
Mandy xx
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 “I just want us to be together lifes to short as it is . And if he loved me as much as he says he does he would want to commit no matter what .”
I tend to agree with you OP… although there are many that would say your partner is right to not take on your debt…let me tell you my story….
I am 52 in 3 weeks. My partner is 38. When we met IRL I was married. I had debt. I own (with the bank) my home… I have two grown children the oldest being PDD-NOS which is on the autistic spectrum but he does not live at home. My marriage was a decent marriage although a bit unusual as we had an “open” marriage… or so I thought. Once I added my friend to the mix my then husband could not cope and he left the marriage 3 months after my “friendship” started. There was no cheating and I was above board… my partner and I thought we would be FWB… then something happened… we fell in love, my marriage ended and he and I opted to be a permanent couple. This was back in early March. By the middle of June we were together more than we were apart (we were LDR by 2 hours)… by December he had given up his apartment and moved to my state to be with me. He paid off all my debt with his inheritance against my wishes…. (yes I took the money he did not go behind my back but I was very unhappy that he did this but he saw it as a necessity to further our lives together). He has DEMANDED that I sell my home in this horrible economy because he refuses to live in a house where I have had two prior husbands (and I can’t say I blame him)…. So I will make the sacrifice to sell a home I have had for 22 years at age 52 when folks are starting to consider retiring I am starting over…
He made sacrifices
I’ve made sacrifices
It’s what you do when you are committed to a relationship and a person. WORDS mean NOTHING… ACTIONS are what count…
As for the sex… well all relationships Ebb and flow… we’ve gone weeks and weeks with nothing and it’s finally coming back…
Four years together is a long time… if you are not happy with the status quo and want more and he can’t give you what you want and need you may have to split up.
OR you have to give up what you want to have what you can have…
...............................
A
female
reader, Maria1966 +, writes (21 February 2012):
Maria1966 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Mandy thankyou for advice , I don't think I explained things very well in my post . It was before I met my partner that I was on benefits I now work and earn more money than he does , I did go to a CAB and got all my depts to pay 1 pound a month but would have taken me forever to pay them , so contacted who I owe money to and pay more on a monthly basis . I would not want to move into his house as him and his ex wife bought that house together . Life is to short as it is , and if he loves me the way he says he does does it matter what my circumstances are , just want us to be together .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): He sounds like he doesn't want to take responsibility for you, financial or otherwise. He has his home and if he chooses to re-mortgage it,thats up to him, he's thinking of his situation only.
You have your own problems,debts to pay, you've lived a different life, being a single parent is hard. I know women who have had boyfriends for years,been exclusive, but neither have felt the need to share their home as they like their space - and it works.
As for the lack of sex, well who knows why, you will have to sit and talk to him,tell him your concerns about it, how you feel.You dont have to nag..just get some answers and see if theres a solution.
It all depends on what you want to settle for, if you want this type of relationship, or if you want to live with a man,have a family home.
...............................
A
female
reader, Maria1966 +, writes (21 February 2012):
Maria1966 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mandy thankyou for your advice , I don't think I explained things to well . Before I met my partner of over 4 yrs now I was one parent on benefits , I am now working and earning more than he does and my Dept , I did go to cab was paying them a pound a month but would have taken forever to pay them off , so I made arrangments to pay the company I owe money too monthly . I would not want to move into his house as that was his and his ex wifes what they bought together . I just want us to be together lifes to short as it is . And if he loved me as much as he says he does he would want to commit no matter what .
...............................
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (21 February 2012):
HI
sounds like his scared of commitment, but I can also see where his coming from,you dont work and have debts to pay, you both have children so he probably does not want that burden, to be honest neither would I. Have you spoke C.A.B ( citizens advice bureu) ? they can help you towards the right direction for help with clearing debts. If your putting pressure on him in regards to moving in together too, this will make him feel like your only after his house and not him, back off for a bit get your debts under control, and maybe look for some part-time work, let him see just how serious and committed YOU are, then maybe he will start to see more of a future with you.
hope this helps
Mandy x
...............................
|
