A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to make this as short as it can be!I broke up with my ex a few months ago. The break-up was sudden, but I was at a point in my life where I felt I was being tied down: he wanted to settle and I didn't, I also felt that I needed to be single and have space to figure out exactly what I wanted in life. I am younger than him. I also met someone much older at the time and started seeing him, which was a bad idea, but I chose to go with it at the time, when I felt my life was crazy and out of control, I needed the comfort.My ex and I kept in contact all this time and recently a lot of truth came out, it was difficult and painful. I told him about the guy I was seeing and he told me about the new relationship he is currently in.My predicament is, I wasn't sure, when I ended our relationship, that I was attracted to my boyfriend anymore, after nearly six years of a relationship, and I found myself being attracted to other people.Anyways, my ex and I remained in contact and it was nice for a while, he says he still loves me and wants to be with me, after all the crap. After months of meeting up and being friendly, getting on well we ended up giving into temptation and having sex a few weeks ago and the sex, as it always was, was amazing, so now I'm asking myself, am I attracted to him? I'm confused, I'm thinking I must be, because the sex is so passionate and there was lots of it in a short space of time.The problem is we're both still seeing and sleeping with other people, it's not something that was planned, we said initially that we could make it work, see the other people and meet up for sex on other occasions, but that certainly isn't working because there's too much emotional involvement. I find myself having a strong need to ask him the graphic details of the sex he is having with the woman he has started seeing. A part of me, as much as it hurts to hear that he's having sex with someone else, seems to get a kick out of it at the same time. I cannot afford a therapist at this point and time.I never thought I'd find myself in such a messy, horrible situation and a lot of people would say to cut complete contact with my ex, but we've both agreed that it'd be too painful for one another at the moment, I don't think either of us would cope well if we cut all ties. But my problem is, if we got back together, would my feelings of wanting to be single and get with other people return?I feel bad about myself for doing what I'm doing and for the other people involved and I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can, but I just don't know what's right and what I really want.The older guy I started seeing has been ok, he has been nice, but since he is a separated father of two, he doesn't have much time for me and I also feel that he's been very manipulative. He was a distraction when I was away in college, I hated my house and I was lonely and depressed in the evenings and he helped with that, but he kept me exactly where he wanted me and only called me when it suited him.I really hate this situation and I feel trapped because of my feelings.My ex told me that the only reason he started seeing this woman was to distract himself from losing me. It would seem that we should both end these relationships with the other people because my "relationship" with the older guy can be described as toxic at times and my ex says that his new partner is clingy.It seems like we're both damned if we do and damned if we don't. I just don't know how to handle this situation. I'd love to hear what others would say about this holy mess!I would ask not to be reminded about how much of a bitch I am, I already know!Thanks for reading.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 April 2014):
 Just focus on this piece of your submittal: Question: "...so now I'm asking myself, am I attracted to him?"
Answer: No. You like him as a sex partner and nothing more....
Hope this helps.
Good luck....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): I think you and your ex have commitment issues and you hit a rut in your old relationship.
You were bored sexually, and there was very little emotional commitment. You have a codependency just because you share a past; and you are both in denial that you can't make a real relationship work.
You really should end the relationship you're currently in.
It was just a rebound-relationship so you wouldn't be alone. Now you're finding fault to justify the fact you still fool around with your ex. Oh, he manipulates and neglects me anyway! Well, you're cheating. Is that better?
If you and your ex simply enjoy fooling around outside your relationships and being friend's with benefits; I guess there isn't much advice you'll listen too. I'm not quite sure what advice you expect; when you tell us you're not giving it up. I guess you're just sharing your story.
End the relationship you're in out of fairness to your boyfriend. He's neglectful, inattentive, and manipulative anyway. Maintaining a FWB relationship with your ex is just self-destructive. So that will pretty much implode on itself; because he has a girlfriend, and you both think doing what you're doing is better than detaching and moving on, as adults should do.
Go back and read your post. You gave all your reasons you will continue what you're doing, and pretty much told us not to advise you to stop.
Stop! Breakup with your rebound-boyfriend. Cut all contact with your ex, and move on. You'll love the freedom.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): You could make it work? You're cheating by not telling the new people you're sleeping with other people.I think that it may just be familiarity with your ex, but you need to let go of the people you're both dragging into this mess. Then decide what you want.
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