A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Since 2 years I am in a relationship with a man. After a while I found out that he is married and has a 9 years old daughter. We were leaving in different countries and he didnt tell me from the start that he is married and has a kid. His marriage with his wife survived 11 years with breaks just because of the kid's sick. He is madly in love with his daughter and his wife is always taking advantage from this situation.Since more than a year, he moved from the house and rent an apartment. He asked me to move there too and asked for separation. Since almost one year he is struggling to obtain the separation (in Ireland). Now is going through a mediation process but she wants all his money. She let him with a huge debt because, even if she dont earn more money, she is spending lots and teach the kid to live in the same way. He is paying the debt by himself and a lots of things for the kid (karate, after school, japanese school- the kid is half japanese), the kid is spending equal time in both homes but this is not enough for her. His lawyer sent to her lawyer the final draft of separation and she is asking him more money for the kid. In fact,she wants to preserve her glamourous life style unchanged. She is japanese, older than him (she has 43). I moved with him 2 months ago. He loves me and helped me with something big before I left my country. He is doing things for me but, somehow, sometimes, Im felling that she is controling him using the kid as a pretext.I have a talk with the kid and her mother controls her too, big time.She told her a lots of lies about her dad regarding the money situation and...she trust her 100 %. I noticed also that she is using the kid as a spy all the time.What should I do? I gave up at my job, my apartment,everything for him. I dont want to lose, any advices?
View related questions:
debt, different countries, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): You wanted him and you got him, Baggage and all. Any wife would be bitter if teh husband left her for the mistress. You missing the fact that your BF lied to you and his wife. So let her have what she wants, maybe it will make up for her pain. Just remember he did this to his wife,what stopping him from doing the same to you. No matter how wonderfully you package him, the route of this problem is the deception and infidetiliy.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 To be honest I think you have got a damn cheek to think you can get in the middle of this mess (partly your doing) and start making demands and judgements about his wife and child.
You hve absolutely no right to speak to the child to try and extract information and as you are the cause of this marriage break up, it's probably best that you take a very low profile and let him handle things.
If I was a woman wih a young child and another woman stole my husband (problems or no problems) I would be furious and fight like hell to get what I was entitled to.
He may have lied to you at the start but it is YOU who decided to go furthr and dsrupt your own life to be with him KNOWING he was married. You are a FOOl for believing his lies and an even bigger fool for persuing a man who was unavailable for a committed relationship in the first place.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): I am again with Oldbag on this one. You must not discuss the child's mother with the child nor in anyway fault find. The wife is upset and bitter and understandably wants all she can get to preserve her life style and I would be and have been just the same. The husband has to pay for the child and depending upon the length of the marriage also maintain the mother to the style she is used to.
This guy is not a good bet going forward. He tells lies and says things to suit his cause. He will be left financially ruined especially if she has a good lawyer and you are going to end up being even more resentful over the money going out on the two of them. Time for you to walk and find a man with no baggage.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 You ask: "What should I do? I gave up at my job, my apartment,everything for him. I dont want to lose, any advices?"
Yes.... this spineless creature really isn't at the top of the list of "Men who have become adults and seek to start a REAL relationship with a REAL woman".... so, if you look at the situation dispassionately, you will see that you are best-off by getting away from this guy and getting on with you life (WITHOUT him!!!!!)...
In the future, you will look back at this incident and say:
"Damn, I gave it my all to be a "couple" with this guy... but he sure was sweet-talking, and mislead me about who he was.... and I was lucky to get off with having only to get another job and another apartment, and another "everything". Some poor girls might have continued to stick with him and have to ALSO get ANOTHER SOUL!!!!!
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 you've already lost everything including your self respect. I'm very sorry this happened to you but I think you need to get as far away from this toxic situation as possible and find a new man.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer Oldbag. When i realized what is the situation was already too late. Yes, I understand her bitterness but she dont have any dignity. She dont love him anymore for a long, long time, she is just in love of his money. She dont have any excuse also to use the kid against her dad or to lie the kid.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 The problem is not the mother but the so called boyfriend who lied to you. If I were you I would not have anything to do with a liar with so much baggage. I would not advise you to marry this guy after his divorce, if that's the only way you can stay in this country. If you marry him then you have more to lose. He has nothing to give you.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 January 2013):
 hi
He cheated on his wife and she is understandably bitter,hurt,confused and is therefore going to get every penny she can off him.I don't blame her
They have a child and will always have contact plus why should the child suffer because the marriage ended. She is the priority here.You should NOT be talking to his child about her mum either.
Eventually it will all be finalised in court but the Ex will always be around in some way.Maybe you should have waited,but now all you can do is to see if it settles down.
...............................
|
