A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why is it that men (and women) think that just because, they are being "honest" about wanting a FWB type of relationship in the beginning, that they are somehow a "decent" and upstanding human being? For instance, if someone who was going to rob your home, walked up to you and told you that they were going to take anything of value in your home while you are away on vacation and that they just wanted to let you know "up front", would you then say to yourself "Well geez, at least they were being honest with me?" Would you befriend this thief? Would you think this thief is a "decent" person because, they told you "up front" that they were going to rob you blind? Probably not, and in addition to reporting this thief to the police and taking the necc. steps to ensure the safety of your home, you wouldn't befriend this thief and you probably wouldn't trust him/her at all right? Of course I'm right. And why? Because, in the end, a thief is a thief is a thief. So to me it's the same with these individuals who go around, shouting "Well, I told her up front that I just wanted to have a FWB only," or "I told him I just wanted a sugar daddy and nothing more"--what difference does it make whether or not you told someone that you have been in a way, leading on with your flirting for months (or not) what you wanted "up front?" That still doesn't make you a decent human being, that still doesn't mean you get the citizenship of the year award, that still doesn't exclude you from being a user at best. Regardless of how "honest" they believe they are being upfront, if you view another human being as someone to just satisfy your sexual or monetary needs with a little "friendship" sprinkled on top, you are a user and someone NOT to be trusted UNLESS both individuals involved don't give a rats behind about each other and have no emotions involved, then I guess they would both be using each other in that case. What do you guys and gals think about this?
View related questions:
flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Your analogy with the robber is wrong. See, the robber in your example is not giving you a choice to avoid being robbed and violated, they are simply informing you ahead of time that they are going to be robbing and violating you whether you like it or not.But in FWB situation, the relationship is mutually consensual, it cannot proceed unless YOU CHOOSE to participate in it. Your FWB cannot force you to be FWB with them (otherwise it would be rape or blackmail which is a crime), you always have the option to say "no I don't want to participate in this" and walk away. They are simply telling you upfront what their terms and conditions are for having a relationship with you, and leaving the ball in your court to accept it and begin the relationship, or walk away. This is totally different from your example of the robber who is not giving you any choice to participate in being robbed or not. So yes, a person being upfront that they are only looking for a FWB, should be respected for their honesty. They are trying to keep things above board by not allowing misunderstandings to arise. They are honest about what they want, and leaving it to you to decide if you want to get involved with them or not. If you are sooo offended by it, then simply say "no thanks" and walk away from them. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen, simple as that. If someone tells you from the very beginning they only are interested in being FWB and you say OK and then you sleep with them, you have no right to then be upset that he didn't want a real relationship. As for "using" people. Real relationships and marriages also involving "using" each other. Why else do people get married if they didn't get benefits from it?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): OK - let me get this straight - I am asking a female for a FWB relationship. We can hang out with each other, we can have a good time not romping in the sack, we can hang out with other friends. We can have sex.We can't hold one another to a bar of exclusivity.I am saying something to the effect of :I like you. I feel like we could be friends. I also find you attractive, and feel like we could include sexual activity in the spectrum of ways in which we enjoy one another's company. I am able to offer you good satisfying sex in exchange for good satisfying sex. Don't get me wrong - if you find another guy and want to date him, I'll get out of the way, but in return, I'd like the same courtesy.How does that make me a bad guy? How does that make me an indecent human being? Good satisfying sex for good satisfying sex is a fair trade. If you reject (as I do) the moralistic holdovers from medieval religeo-fascism that are often tied to sexual activity, and are able to satisfy one anothers sexual hungers, where is this suddenly a crime?
...............................
A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (9 January 2013):
I think you are missing the point to your own example. The fact that the person is being upfront is their way of saying "look i dont want a relationship i just want sex if thats ok with you" so a more likely burglar scenario would be "look i am a burglar, if you would like to invite me into your home I will burgle it if thats ok with you" If someone chooses to have this kind of way of living it is more decent of them to be upfront before you put anything into the relationship.It saves you from being left broken hearted when you find out all they really wanted was sex and you simply wanted a relationship. If someone is upfront and says I want a FWB and thats not what you want then simply move on because once you are a FWB you will never be anything more. The decent people who are upfront about it are doing this because they dont want to leave a trail of broken hearts and are simply looking for someone who feels the same way and also wants a FWB. I personally would rather someone be honest about it so that if that is all they are looking for then I can move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (9 January 2013):
I think you are missing the point to your own example. The fact that the person is being upfront is their way of saying "look i dont want a relationship i just want sex if thats ok with you" so a more likely burglar scenario would be "look i am a burglar, if you would like to invite me into your home I will burgle it if thats ok with you" If someone chooses to have this kind of way of living it is more decent of them to be upfront before you put anything into the relationship.It saves you from being left broken hearted when you find out all they really wanted was sex and you simply wanted a relationship. If someone is upfront and says I want a FWB and thats not what you want then simply move on because once you are a FWB you will never be anything more. The decent people who are upfront about it are doing this because they dont want to leave a trail of broken hearts and are simply looking for someone who feels the same way and also wants a FWB. I personally would rather someone be honest about it so that if that is all they are looking for then I can move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2013):
 I agree with YOS.
I seriously hate the term FWB, because it's so bloody bogus. People should just be honest and use the term FUCK buddies - because in 99% of the cases THIS is what's going on, there is no FRIENDSHIP - because you know what? Friends don't fuck.
I think people just assume that it "sounds" nicer and less "degenerate" to say FWB instead of F-B.
Like SVC, you ALWAYS have a choice in this. The choice to say no. The choice to WANT more then just be a hole in the mattress.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): If someone tells you up front then it is your choice what to do with that information. If it suits you then you agree, if it doesn't then, as in your robbery example, you take measures to protect yourself - which in this instance means you say no to the arrangement. You can only be used in this situation if you let yourself be. The big mistake many make is agreeing to FWB while secretly hoping for more, but it's unfair to blame the other person for that if they made their feelings clear from the start. It's up to you to make sure you are treated the way you want to be in a relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Your argument relies on the assumption that FWB relationships are fundamentally flawed and wrong.
Meaning if you engage in FWB relationships then you are not a decent human being by definition.
If that's true then you are right, if it's not then you are not.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I agree with Fatherly Advice" the use of Robbery as an analogy is interesting to say the least. The whole FWB thing to me is just gibberish for sex without commitment,you know like two dogs in the park.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (9 January 2013):
 I think it is very interesting that you use burglary as your comparison. It is good that you know what you want, and are not deluded by the trends of the day.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I don't think of them as great beings to be adored, but I don't think they are indecent by being honest about their needs, and what they can afford to offer. FWBs are different from a robbery because while you can say no to an FWB, a robber grabs your stuff by force. Consensual casual sex is not illegal while robbery is, no matter how friendly the robber is. There is no "relationship police" to report to because we are responsible for the choices we make. You don't like "casual" people, fine, but we can't control what they do. Making them feel indecent is not going to stop casual sex in society. There are people who are not emotionally ready for relationships. If they can find like minded people who just want sex, then getting their needs met isn't that bad of a thing. You can say they use each other, and they are enjoying themselves in bed and both are happy, as long as they keep their emotions separate. If one person falls in love, then that person is responsible for leaving that arrangement to protect one self.
There are people who are not ready for relationships, and there are people who don't believe in relationships, period. They still have their needs. Let them find people who think like them. They are honest so you can run away and not feel robbed.
...............................
A
male
reader, scottmartinez2012 +, writes (9 January 2013):
 totally they are mutually in a way helping each other, you can put this in other words as using each other but the fact remains that they are only interested in sex and are willing to have it without a relationship. In this case both are benefitting from sex.
in the thief's case , only the thief get's the benefit so it becomes a different situation.
And people overcome their inhibitions with time as they realize what they exactly want and try and be fair and square, if the other person is okay with the deal then all is well
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 January 2013):
 You’re argument is based on the belief that a person being told something has no free will to deal with the information they are being given and are being forced to do what the other party wants.
For example, if someone came to me and said “I’m going to rob your home while you are away on vacation” I can say “ok fine, I’ll leave the door unlocked please don’t damage anything and lock it when you leave” or I can say “NO” and take all the actions necessary on my part to prevent the person from harming me.
It’s the same with FWB… if a guy comes up to me and says “I like you but I only want FWB, not a relationship” then it’s incumbent on ME to say “no thanks I want the full monty or nothing at all” and walk away. He’s not holding a gun to my head to force me to be FWB is he?
Anyone who knowingly gets into an FWB relationship and then gets mad that they are being used has no one to blame but themselves.
On the other hand what would you do with this scenario :
A woman who is not available for a real relationship (due to being in an open marriage and having “permission” from her spouse to have relationships outside of her marriage comes to a man and says “I like you, I can’t be more than an NSA/FWB sex for you but I’d like to do that with you”. He verifies this is acceptable with the husband, he’s not married or otherwise committed to anyone and he agrees to this with the comment “what single guy would turn down free NSA sex?
So she’s up for fun and games, and he’s up for fun and games… and they proceed. Problem is they fall in love. NEITHER planned it. NEITHER WANTED IT. But it happened. It’s rare but it’ happens. Obviously. So what’s wrong with this?
...............................
|
