A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my husband of 13 years has been watching gay porn on our computer when I go to bed earlier than he does. I'm completely floored and haven't talked to him about it yet. We do have sex but not as much as I would like. I don't think he has sex outside the marriage and I don't think he does any on-line chatting. He has a prominent position at work and has never before given me any reason to doubt his sexuality. I could use some advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I will add my 2 cents. My wife knows that every once in a blue moon i will look at gay porn, but if there is one thing I will have to disagree with it is bringing another man or woman in the bedroom. It cause too many problems. I am straightening my life out and not trying not to look at porn as much as I used too. Me and My wife had a really rocky marriage about a year ago. I want no one else.
Do not bring any outside sex parteners into a marriage, It will only cause problems.
A
female
reader, timshelnow +, writes (25 March 2008):
Don't worry too much. I am a married, straight(leaning) guy who fantasizies about making love to a man, I am an athletic, guys-guy, it is the forbiden aspect. vulnerability. Sharing it with my wife is hot. Do I wish I had one opportunity. sometimes. have I had cyber yes, will i cheat on my soulmate who is hot! Never. sex is all in the head, objectively speaking a guy can be attractive. dont over react. maybe he is just trying to be vulnerable spice it up. tell him you want a fantasy of you and other women watching him and another straight being gay boys just for you. he will never leave you. steve
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female
reader, PAD +, writes (20 February 2008):
I am going thru the same thing, married for 10 years and found out 10 months ago that my husband watches gay porn he promised me he would stop. This past week I found out that he is doing it again. When I confronted him as usual he flew off the handle over it. I am beside myself over this. I love him with all my heart and can't imagine my life without him but I don't want to be married to someone who is lying to me and to themself. From all the reading I do it seems to be normal for a straight man to watch gay porn but in my mind it's far from normal. I can't seem to gain the trust in him and I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. I wish it was "normal" porn he was watching, I think it would have hurt me alot less to find that than to find out he is watching gay porn. I sometimes think that I want to do something to him that will make him hurt inside as much as I am.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I am going through a similar situation, I found a stash of gay porn in his closet but i confronted him immediatly and rather vicously, we got in a huge fight, broke things and we might be on the verge of breaking up, he says he has never cheated on me but his best friend is gay and he works with him everyday, and my paranoia never ceases because we live in largely gay area, and just prior to me finding his porn we have been arguing a lot. The sex has been good, no complaints but now I feel like i can't trust him, especialy since last time i let him on my computer he had looked at so much gay porn it blew my mind, but since then i put a password on my computer so he couldnt use it. I tried to be accomidating, ocasionally watching gay porn WITH him, and yet he still hides it from me!!! I don't know what to do. I am wondering if it is just a matter of time until he leaves me for a man.
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female
reader, Eula +, writes (12 February 2008):
As said before, who wants to live as a "warden?" I can not live like that. My husband in now in counceling and it is helping.....we are learning lots. Check their past. Many, but not all of these men have been abused by an older cousin, or someome.....have domineering mothers...not as an excuse here, but it just explains some things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): If you really want to make yourself crazy worrying start looking at the "personals" on craigslist in your town. Its hard to believe how many of the "men looking for men" are married. Some even put in pictures that show personal furniture in the background! Its also enlightening to see the business travelers posting where theyre going to hook up with somebody.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): There's a really good program called specter (or is it spectre?) pro which is designed to watch what users are doing on the Internet. It captures IMs, emails, file transfers, websites and key strokes. It's really designed to keep an eye on what your children are doing and can be run in stealth mode. Hate to have an ad here but this helped me watch what my spouse was up to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Thank you so much for your postings as I am facing the same thing with my husband. We've been married for 18 years this year and I found out that he was looking at gay porn when we were married for about 9 years. Prior to that - There were charges on our bank account for online porn - dating back over 2 years and when I found out about them I fought the charges and they were reversed by 2 of the 3 companies that were charging us. He was appalled about the charges, not telling me anything at the time. I thought it was odd that I had not caught this in my banking account - then the dreaded viewing happened, as I came downstairs after noticing he wasn't in bed at 3 am one night - he admitted that he had been looking at gay porn for years, and that he didn't know why... maybe that he was a freak. I cried, threw a fit, didn't talk to him for 2 weeks, and wanted to leave him. But I couldn't, I loved him and his weirdness. It's been years of asking him how he was doing, making a pact that if he stumbles he would tell me, but he has stumbled into the same thing quite a few times. He says that he would never leave our family, that this family is what he always wanted, but he is now saying that maybe he needs help. It's always tempting for him to stay up late, get up early to watch more gay porn on the computer. The irony of the whole thing is that my dad is gay and my mom didn't know until my husband and I got married. We have 3 children, a great life, and a Christian family. We are surviving, but I always wonder for how long... is he straight and addicted to gay porn, or is he gay and wanting out? For now, we keep moving on one day at a time... I may consider some advice you were given: to watch gay porn with him - maybe I will get turned on - who knows. I do know that when he really gets hooked, our sex life is either just lacking intimacy or not happening at all. This week was one of those weeks. So, all the best and hope you keep your head up - it's not your fault, although it is your issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): I found out my husband has been watching gay porn from before we were even married. Actually, he had purchased new pay-per-view porn 2 months before our wedding and only 15 days after. I only found that out, however, a month ago and we've been married for almost 3 years. Of course he'd been watching gay porn off an one the whole time we we've been married and I never new anything about it. He's a great man and a doting father. Yet, quite frankly, our sex life has never been wonderful and until recently it was always like he was scared or just didn't want to do it. He would make jokes to keep going without any action until I just got annoyed (I think.. I may be wrong, but it's really annoying at this point and I don't really care much about sex anymore since it has to always be such a strategy). He swears up and down he's not gay and has no gay thoughts and said even if he was gay he would dare not sacrifice his "lust" for our marraige and children. He also says that he's into voyeurism and it has nothing to do with actually wanting to have sex with other men. He treated the whole thing kinda like I should get over it and let him "overcome" his own problems by himself. He was also a virgin when we got married and I do believe part of the shyness comes from a lack of experience, but this whole thing still drives me nuts and makes me check the computer all the time. However, since I caught him he's become a little smarter and has started to delete daily activities and downloads. Ugh, I HATE being paranoid and feeling like this, but I feel it's unfair to me as I've always been honest with him about everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): also check out straightspouse.org
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): i'm so sorry to hear of your situation. i am in the same boat. i checked my husband's online history the other day and found several gay porn sites. i was blown away. he is athletic and so manly and just such a "guy". i did confront him and he said it was just a curiosity thing and the thought of him actually kissing another guy would make him sick. but the more research i do on this subject, the more i start to think he must be gay or bi. i am so upset. i need to confront him again. i can't bare the thought of losing the greatest love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend. but, i can't deny the truth any longer either. sorry if i wasn't of much help, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone
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A
female
reader, Eula +, writes (20 December 2007):
dear confused wife, this forum has been really helpful for me. However, I can not begin to tell you the anguish that you will go through if you don't confront him. It doesn't have to be bad, but if you do not, then everything he does, (even brushing his teeth) will become suspect. The best to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): I also have the same problem. My husband gets up in the middle of the night and goes and gets on the computer and watches gay porn. He has no idea that I know this or that I go through is computer history and email while he is at work. I am very concerned about this but dont know how to confront the situation.
*confused wife*
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Just felt the need to add my 2 cents... I identify as a straight male, and I watch gay porn as well. This is something that I would never admit to anyone, and only one of my girlfriend has known, and she was fine with it. Our sex life was incredible and I was/have never inclined to act on my fantasys. And have never felt like something was missing. I sometimes abuse myself while watching bestiality videos too, and I definatly don't want to be involved making, attending, or filming one. I think it's the "perversion", "taboo" aspect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Hi,I think you are being really great about this.As a guy with similar issues to your husband with a wife who (i think) does not have any awareness, my biggest wish would be that I could talk to her about it without the fear of losing her. I do want to talk to her about it but am afraid of the consequences. Like you and your husband we dont have sex as often as we used to and to be honest I get anxious about whether I will be able to get aroused. It could be the stress of work but more likely it is the addiction to gay (and straight)porn. My mind is elsewhere sometimes. It may even be that we dont have much quality time together due to young kids and making love becomes simply perform on demand sex rather than a "journey".Maybe if I felt able to communicate to her things may be different as well. She is the "nicest" person I have ever met and although she does not act prim and proper, because she is so nice i think of her that way. Then maybe she is a little shy about telling me what her boundaries and desires are too. Oh for good communication without embarassment!I bet your husband wants to tell you about it but is too ashamed. Only you know how you really feel about it so as uncomfortable as it is you may have to steer the conversation to where you want to get it. The only fear I have is that once he starts to unburden things may not be just about porn. One thing to be assured of is that no matter how bad it is, your husband is sure to love you and your family more than anything and the likelihood is that once unburdened the obsession will recede.Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): I am late to this site, but I need to add my say. I knew in my heart that my husband was leaning towards being bi when I meet him, married him and stayed for 33 years. What I will not do is stay with him anymore, as I now have proof he has slept with a man. End of story.
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female
reader, Eula +, writes (27 November 2007):
thanks for all the new replys. I do want to clarify that I wasn't spying on my husband. I had gone to bed early one night, and had gotten up to see if the kids had gotten home yet and walked in on it. He tried to x out before I saw, but I saw none the less. I was so shock, well you know the rest of the story.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): well make sure he wasn't looking at it first cuz someone else might have looked on ur computer(idk who) and make sure it wasnt a one time thing. cuz if i got blamed for looking at gay porn i might be upset. check with him. talk to him about bring ing another guy in the bedroom. dont specify whether the "new guy" is for you or him at first. but if he looks at gay porn often then he is either bi or gay--which theres nothing wrong with under most circumstances--but him being married to u is one of those circumstances not included in the prior statement. personally im straight but it seems like a good way to find out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I am surprised that you are spying on him...can't he have any privacy? So long as he is looking, he is not acting on it, so relax. To some men, it is just sex-whether it is female/male, female/female or male/male....something different. If he loves you and you love him, maybe you could watch it together and then have sex. It could be a passing thing that once it gets old, he will lose interest. Quit feeling threatened by this. I am +55 years old and straight, but sometimes my wife liked to watch gay porn....fine by me....I sometimes liked to watch lesbian porn and she watched it with me...the time passed and both of us lost our interest. When I viewed the gay porn with my wife, I saw it as two human beings having sex-not two men. Quit making such a big deal about it. It is not worth getting a divorce over. Give it time & it will probably pass....if it does not, then there is nothing that you could have done about it anyway as it would mean that is the way he is made...but it does not sound like it to me. Just remember that in life, I have already been where you have got to go. Signed: A grandfather with 9 grandchildren.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I am surprised that you are spying on him...can't he have any privacy? So long as he is looking, he is not acting on it, so relax. To some men, it is just sex-whether it is female/male, female/female or male/male....something different. If he loves you and you love him, maybe you could watch it together and then have sex. It could be a passing thing that once it gets old, he will lose interest. Quit feeling threatened by this. I am +55 years old and straight, but sometimes my wife liked to watch gay porn....fine by me....I sometimes liked to watch lesbian porn and she watched it with me...the time passed and both of us lost our interest. When I viewed the gay porn with my wife, I saw it as two human beings having sex-not two men. Quit making such a big deal about it. It is not worth getting a divorce over. Give it time & it will probably pass....if it does not, then there is nothing that you could have done about it anyway as it would mean that is the way he is made...but it does not sound like it to me. Just remember that in life, I have already been where you have got to go. Signed: A grandfather with 9 grandchildren.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): Eula, look at www.voy.com/86426/ for more help. I just found it and it's full of good information for women going through this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I think maybe he could just be curious of what else is out there. I am a female who is in a comitted relationship to a man but I enjoy watching lesbian porn. Just because we watch it does not mean that we have to do it. If he loves you, than I don't think you have anything to worry about besides a little curiousity.
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A
female
reader, Eula +, writes (19 November 2007):
anyone else out there? IT's been a while since I have seen a post.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): Eula, I'm happy to hear you're doing well too. One day at a time, right? I hope we can keep ourselves strong and self confident and move forward, wherever life goes from here. At least the difficult discussion is out of the way...
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female
reader, Eula +, writes (8 November 2007):
things are going well here too. My husband had a complete "breakdown"- everything else in our marriage is really good. I look at all the good in it.....he is going to see a councelor today. I think there is way too much stuff wrapped up in his mother. She is a 98 lb. ball buster. She tore his dad down to just about nothing. I digress. For now were are together. We went on a trip and it was really wonderful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Sorry, I'm the wife here again. I should add that we have had sex before and after the "confrontation" and that it's been wonderful and loving... We really do love each other and both agree that this might be the opportunity we need to reinvigorate the relationship which had been flagging. I'm now living with hope, still with a seed of doubt, which I think will be there for a while, but so far things are going well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Hi all, Eula especially... I've had the dreaded talk with my husband. He visited gay porn sites again when I was out of the house, and I found them on the web browser history. I think it was the hardest thing I've ever done, to ask about what was going on. I was very nonconfrontational and supportive and did not shout at him in any way...
Brief summary of the discussion, he's terribly sorry that I found the evidence, he was curious, and has no intention acting on anything. He said he'd made a terrible mistake. He says he's does not identify himself as gay, although he says perhaps he's a bit more to the central part of the Kinsey scale than he had admitted to himself. He promised (and I believe him) that he had not been unfaithful in our marriage. (I have not been unfaithful to him, by the way.) He was initially very embarassed, and it was difficult to get the discussion started. He is still reluctant to talk about what the trigger was that started him off looking, and I really don't know how long it's been going on, although he assured me it's been less than 3 months. He was very fearful that I would leave him and we are going to work on staying together....
Thank you all for your advice, and Eula, work on keeping yourself together. Work from a positive standpoint, as I really tried to do. I'm still not sure what the outcome will be, but he told me he wants to grow old with me as his wife until we're both 90! I guess it could have gone differently...
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female
reader, Eula +, writes (31 October 2007):
what if everything else, including sex is great?
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female
reader, Eula +, writes (29 October 2007):
This is really frightening as your problem is the EXACT one I have. I just found out the EXACT same things. Down to the work computer, how he travels some for business, etc.
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A
male
reader, gayguy16  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 straight guys, believe it or not can fanticise about gay men but not want to participate in any sexual activity's with men, besides masterbation in front of gay porn on a pc of course, its pretty comlicated, maybe he's bi-sexual and just kept it from you or he's only exploring curiosity
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Just wanted to drop you a note to ask you something, I hope this makes sense. When straight women cuddle in with there husband for an adult film she may see two women having sex. I've known some to become very aroused but know they are not gay just open minded about sex.It just so happens she had found another sexual turn on for her.Could your husband feel comfortable with his sexuality and be faithful to you? Yes. Could your husband be aroused by gay porn becaue it makes him aroused. Watching men, not touching them! Men do have a very private little G spot of there own that has sensation. That should not mean he's gay. He hides it for many reason. The most important one would be the way society looks at gay men. I understand that something like this would hurt you. I think you need to favour him on this while asking him. I would never ask him if he's gay first! Ask him if the site of a man having sex with another man is a turn on? He will confirm things for you. I really dont think a man is gay or bisexual if they want to watch gay porn. To most people it would seem NUTS! To people that are very comfortable with themselves and their partner should be able to look at it "open mindedly" thats all. Give him the a comfy atmosphere quite, no children, sit with him...be supportive so he feels trustworthy of you.And for godsakes please dont tell any "friends" Dare I say why? There is always family or a professional to vent on. Good luck! I have faith in you!Start narrowing down your question and feelings by gently talking to him. Truly, Marriedwchildren
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): Thank you again for the posts. I'm sorry to know that I'm not the only one in this position. I have also been doing online research and have the help of one friend in this. I will be keeping an eye on the computer when he has access to it. If my husband is gay it will be difficult for him to come out because of his work, family & the whole stigma I think he'd be worried about. I'm trying to get myself into a position of personal strength so I can deal with whatever happens. But it won't happen for at least a week.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): Hi- I am a married woman and I found out the same thing about my husband about 60 days ago. He had been watching gay pay-per view for 4 years and we never had sex. AFter confronting him he says he doesn't know if he's gay and we have started individual and marriage counselling and he's seeing a sex therapist but hasn't told me anything yet. Honestly I think he is gay but terrified about admitting it because of embarrasement at work, family, neighborhood. We have agreed not to do anything for 6 months. In the mean time I am getting lots of support online. Hope your husband can be more honest with you than mine is.
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male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (17 October 2007):
 I've never met a straight guy who watches gay porn I'm afraid. I think the tag bi-sexual is too easily attached to gay men who are married. i.e. "well, he has two kids and a lovely wife he can't be gay - he must be bi-sexual".
To me its a cop out, unfortunately plenty of men get married and have kids but all along they are gay (look at Oscar Wilde! ).
I'm not surprised by this as when I grew up if you admitted you were gay you were beaten up and humiliated in my home town. So is it a wonder gay men pretend they are straight so as to lead a normal life?
I guess you really need to reasses your life, is your relationship so strong that his sexuality isnt the biggest concern? Or do you feel you deserve a relationship with someone who is honest about what he desires.
I think you will find out either way if you confront him.
I wish you well, good luck.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Before you confront him, make sure all your finances are in order...just in case he can not face the fact you know, and tries to dissappear on you with the savings. I am not kidding.
-Frank B Kermit
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): Thank you for your posts. (I'm the wife who posted the question.) I have now put spy ware on the computer and will keep watch on his online activities. I have to say I really wish it had just been straight porn but it was exclusively men on men.
He is in a business trip this week and will be gone again next week so I won't have the chance to see what he's doing online. I'm 99% confident that he's not using his work computer for this activity as it is tightly controlled by the company's IT department. There are no unexplained phone calls on the home number.
I have contacted a friend to be a support to me in this as I don't feel I can discuss this with any of our close friends or my family. I guess I just need to get more information before I have this dreaded discussion.
I suppose it's unlikely that the average straight man watches gay porn? I really would like this to be the case, but I must be realistic about this.
Thank you again.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (17 October 2007):
 Straight men don't usually have an interest in gay porn. Since he watches it often, I'm pretty sure he has this inclination. At least, as one poster says, he could be bisexual.
This will be a hard issue to tackle. If you ask him about his interest, he will deny it. I think you should be careful in finding more proof that he has this inclination before you act.
His lack of interest in sex is no coincidence, I guess. But, I insist, you need more information.
You may come back to us if you need more advice.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Dextro69 +, writes (16 October 2007):
 You need to talk to him. If as you say there isnt much sex it could be that he is also unsatifed and looking at gay porn for his sex kicks it will not always mean he is gay when looking at porn online there is so much out there that it can get boring looking at the same thing all the time. it could also be that he is bi but would never act on his feelings as he is married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Thats a real tough one honey, one worth confronting. for various reason and mainly is he interest in other men, usely men don't watch gay porn. Good Luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Wow that is awful. I'm sorry. I would just ask him about it. Be careful though, if he is a businessman that goes away on trips, he could very well be having gay sex..If he makes good $ you could divorce him & get a settlement right? It's better than being with a gay man.
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