A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all,So I have asked questions before on this board and it really helped. Please help! I have been living with my boyfriend for about 4 years. Things are tough because we both work medical and emergency services which means our schedules are crazy. Last December we hit a bad patch that I thought would end is and recently we took a break for 5 days so I could clear my head. Yesterday I found emails and pictures of a girl I have confronted him about before. They were having an affair. Now for the most part it looks like friendly convos but they also talk about feelings for each other and hanging out all the time. He would go hangout with her instead of come home after work. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me and I even called him out in things a few times to the point where I asked him if he had intimate relations with her. He has lied. He slept with her twice. Once during the rough patch in December and one during our 5 day break.We are the best of friends and it hurts that he did this. I think I could forgive him down the line but I lost all my trust. We rely on each other financially and if I leave he will hit hard times. I care about him very much and he's not a terrible man. He has made me into a strong women and I owe him everything I have. Do I move back in and try my hardest to make it work? And how?Or do I cut my losses and hope for a mere friendship down the line?Side note our relationship is stiff, our friendship has always been stronger. The woman he cheated on me with works in his town and he has become best friends with her in the last year. She has undying love for him.The way I see it. I move out. Make him clean up his own mess. Hopefully he either realizes his mistakes and tries to mend it. Or he goes to her again. Or he disappears. Or he tries to be friends later down the line.Any ideas thoughts or opinions would be helpful! Thank you
View related questions:
a break, affair, best friend, cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 September 2015):
 One thing I have learned about trust is that once lost, it is almost impossible to regain it. And when trust is out the window other things starts to fall - like dominoes. Trust, respect, affection and love.
He lied to you. He cheated. And I think he knew that you might still stay afterwards because you DO care. So he is counting on your feelings for him to just "suck it up". Which means HE really doesn't HAVE to do anything or change anything.
He is still "friends" with this girl? Which means he doesn't have much remorse about his actions, not does he intend on doing ANY work to regain YOUR trust in him.
If it was me (in your position) I would move out. Find a room-mate situation you can easily afford and if you have incurred any debt while living with him, start paying those off.
I wouldn't be surprised if SHE moved in to "help" him out with his financial situation. And I hope you can handle that , that might be something he will do.
To HOPE that he will GROW a set or use his brains to see that he DID ruin your relationship because he let his penis dictate his actions, that he will regret it and work on rebuilding trust... is just that - a hope. And I wouldn't hang on to it for too long. Don't halt your own life waiting on him to do "the right thing". But give yourself some time to get over him. 4 years is a long time to have been together. You have grown - he hasn't.
You do not OWE him to stick around and accept his behavior. You think if you did what he had done, that HE would want to be with you?
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 September 2015):
 So basically he cheated on you with her and he's still talking to her and she's his best friend??! My God...this is an absolute disaster. I don't think there's honestly anything left in the relationship for you to mend. Not only is he not repentant after cheating on you, he continues to be best friends with this woman, hangs out with her, meets her, talks to her...in short, he's in a relationship with both of you!
I don't think you should stay because frankly, this is more than just disrespectful. He's a liar. A Cheat. And there are no excuses for that. He has not only hurt you by cheating on you but is continuing to do so by being friends with the other woman even now. My guess is that he's not leaving you because he's financially dependent on you, as you say. He basically has the brazen audacity to cheat on you and yet use you for money and his financial gains. And the way I see it, you know it all and yet you're getting used by him.
Please kick this guy to the curb. Let him manage his own life; he might come crawling back to you if he sees no other option or he might go to her if she provides for him the way you do. If he comes back to you its only because nothing else has worked out. I don't even understand why you want to be friends with this guy. Do you think there's really any scope left for a friendship? What are you going to get out of that too anyway? If he made you strong, then good...at least there's something positive that you got out of the relationship. Like they say, people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime...maybe this was his reason. You owe him everything that you have. While that sounds like a bit of an exaggeration, at least you'll have some happy memories.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 September 2015):
 He lied. He lied to cover his cheating. He is a lying cheater.
Cut your losses, grieve for the relationship you thought you had, but didn't.
Don't work on being his friend at the moment, its notot a priority.
You have lost trust in this man, it will take years to rebuild the trust that he destroyed in a moment, his track record is not good.
My gut feeling is that he will be incapable of living on his own or rebuilding his life as a single man and will hot foot it right back to her ...... let him, you deserve much better than that.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (18 September 2015):
My Dear,
In the end you will have to do what you think is right. As a man I tell you this...
He is JUST a boyfriend. If he was your husband I would say try to fix things because, both of you have a lot invested in a marriage.
Boyfriends and girlfriends are those who help to shape us for a future long term marriage. If your boyfriend is already cheating now, do you want to hang on to him so he can do it after you are married???
He is not the only man on the planet...he is just one man, and maybe the wrong one for you. Do not hold on to him because you were together for 4 years, and miss 50 years with the right man.
It does not matter what he did... What matters is... what are you going to do about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (18 September 2015):
 Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, coz it would be too painful to watch you get hurt. http://www.urbandictionary.comCheaters.Someone who is in a committed relationship and breaks the trust of his or her partner by getting physically or emotionally involved with another person. Common forms of cheating include kissing, feeling each other up, vaginal, annal, oral sex and any other contact that involves the lips, hands, and genitals. Emotional cheating invovles forming a close bond with someone of your preferred gender and basically forming a second relationship. This may or may not include physical cheating.http://www.urbandictionary.comI know which one I'd choose for a partner- Which one to think you truly deserve?
...............................
|
