| A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes: I found out something awful and I'm hurt and disappointed and don't know what to do. My mom's brother and my dad's sister used to date in high school. I never met my uncle because he's been in prison since I was 9 and we live states away from our family. I met my aunt a few times and talked on the phone before but it was real brief. She apparently still drinks really bad and has been in shelters and jail. My parents don't talk to her much and it usually starts with, "well, B is avoiding everyone again. Should we see if she's still alive?" My parents moved away when I was a baby because they were embarrassed and didn't like everyone thinking they were trash. Apparently our family used to be respectable.Where we live now we are. My parents make good money and are real involved with church and volunteering at animal rescues. My dad is a basketball and baseball coach. I really wanted to get my license and a job but they wouldn't let me. I went to the bank with my mom and we went to her deposit box so she could trade out her jewelry. She has some sets of SUPER expensive stuff. I was looking at her emerald necklace when I saw my birth certificate. My mom tried to snatch it away and I wouldn't let her. She just said, "you don't want to do that" but she let me read it. My aunt and uncle are both on there. I just stared at it and she took it back and told me not to tell anyone, but they'd adopted me at birth. I'm not supposed to tell church, school, or anyone. And I'm not supposed to try to write my birth parents or talk to them. I know my aunt was 22 when she had me so it's not like she was a teen mom. I asked my mom and dad why they did it and was told, "she's selfish."That's all they will say. Now what? I'm so upset
View related questions:
in jail, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 Wow. What a whirlwind of emotions you must be going through at the moment. Not the best way to find out and probably not the planned way for your parents either. Not equally, but a whirl wind for them also. Picturing the unforeseen circumstance of that moment, I would imagine all that you got from your question to her was because that was all that she had at that moment- Kind of like a knee jerk reaction. I'm not discounting your situation or right to explanation but sometimes to be confronted with inevitable truth to say the least confronting. You may not be biological but you are still her daughter. Remembering the title Mum/Dad is a noun any one can use it but the actions of such, loving. Is this not what your parents have done? I think it is fair to say, that no one, parent or not, can tell you not to talk to anyone in order to find out truth. Especially when it comes to your personal being. That is your right, as uncomfortable for all that it may be. Whom ever it is that you seek advice, especially within a profession for example priest,counsellor, teacher etc you are entitled for them to keep what you discuss confidant. I would encourage you to first seek some guidance with someone you feel most comfortable, whether it be to vent or find strategies for positive communication with your parents. Be kind to yourself, likewise your parents.All the best
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2016):
 From the sound of your post you are a very lucky young lady that your parents took you in as their own and loved you like they have done, imagine if it had been different you would have a mother who is a heavy drinker and a father who is in prison, am pretty sure you would have had a terrible upbringing, neglected and possibly even put in an orphanage, so try and not be bitter to your parents, they done what they thought was best.
Now after saying that off course you are going to be shocked and angry and confused. That is normal you are not who you thought you where and it is a scary thing to find out. Perhaps talk to your parents tell them how confused you are, maybe see a therapist to talk about this. I would suggest that you do not contact your birth parents until you hear the full story. But it does sound like you are much better off without them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 May 2016):
 Obviously it’s a huge shock to learn this so late in life. Why your parents chose not to tell you about your biological parentage, well, it appears you already have some clues based on the background information you provided.
If I were you, i’d reach out to others like me who found out later in life that they were adopted. There are support groups and resources out there. I found a starting point for you here: http://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-people/discovery/
http://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-people/connecting/
I would talk to the pastor, priest, whoever is your spiritual guide at the church, if you feel a sense of connection and support from that person. They are used to helping people in emotional turmoil and have a responsibility to maintain confidentiality. Just because your parents don’t want you to tell anyone doesn’t mean you don’t deserve support and help. If your parents aren’t willing to give you that support and help, you are at the age of getting it for yourself, and demanding that your parents provide outside assistance if they are unwilling to do this difficult task any reasonable adoptive parent would be prepared for.
The thing is that eventually you would have found out, in another year or 2 when you need your birth certificate for a job or a passport. It’s not like they can keep you away from that.
If you know the state from where the birth certificate was created you can apply for a copy, if your parents remain unreasonable and intractable.
You don’t list a flag but the clues in the post suggest that you are in the USA, so the links I provided should be pertinent to you.
Try to remain calm and collected when you talk to your parents about this; obviously they have been hiding it for a reason. That reason may or may not still exist but you do deserve the facts of your own origins and medical history.
Good luck and do try to realize that you wound up with a far different and most likely better life than if you were stuck with your biological parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): How cruel!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (9 May 2016):
 You deserve a full explanation from your step-mum but don't agonise about this too much. You have been given a loving upbringing, which is much more than many children have with their biological parents.
You have loved and been loved. That hasn't changed. Your step parents have tried to protect you from a painful truth.
You must reach out to them now and show them that their love was not in vain.
Whatever you do don't turn into a sulky little bitch who thinks the world has turned against her. Take the good stuff and cherish your step mum and dad who have loved and protected you all these years.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): It's a pity you had to find out this way. It would have been much better if they found a right moment and a better way to tell you themselves since you have the right to know.Biological parents are just that, biological parents. They are not the ones who brought you up and cared for you. I'm sure they have their reasons. They may have some health issues (personality disorders, depression etc.). You should feel lucky that you had loving parents and that you didn't have to deal with a whole bunch of problems related to alcoholics, criminals etc.It'll take time to adjust to this new piece of information, but in the end you'll find a way to incorporate it in your life's story. You are still very young and it's not easy to understand and agree with all the choices your parents and your uncle and aunt had made. Try to be grateful for what you have. And let your parents know that you are not angry with them just confused and that you would really appreciate it if you could all talk about it.Maybe they are afraid that you will insist on contacting you uncle/bio. dad or your aunt/bio. mum?It is certainly your right to do so. But before you act think well what you will gain by it and what you may lose.Are you ready to face the fact that they do not care about you? Or that they care but that they're just too f*cked up to be around you?I've learned who my father was at 24 .By then I was an adult and I could handle things. He was never a part of my life so I had no expectations and I wasn't surprised that when I called him he never called back even though he said he would. He wasn't a criminal, just an ordinary guy who had two other (older) children and never showed any interest in me. I have no feelings towards him, good or bad.Just give yourself time. Everything will look so different and less important as time passes by.
...............................
A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (9 May 2016):
 i understand you are mixed up and possibly hurt but you need to understand your life could be a lot different if your birth parents had kept you. from what i read it sounds like you have good parents who treat you like you matter to them. with your birth father in prison and your birth mother still drinking heavily i doubt your life would be as happy as it has been. try not to be upset with your adoptive parents. maybe you can sit down and have a long talk so youll have a better understanding about why they never told you they arent your birth parents.
...............................
|
