A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We have had huge financial issues, loss of business, things really stressful. all this definitely took a toll on our lives.Today I did something either brave or some would say stupid.When our business was going down there were alligations that he was having affairs. I asked him to be honest and just tell me if there was. We would work thru things no matter what but I just needed to know the truth. He swore there was nothing. That the allegations were just that - and nothing was proven. I sensed something was going on - so I put him under survellience. Today I got the call that he was in a brothel. So what did I do?? I drove out there, found his car in the hidden brothel car park, unlocked it....no I didnt drive it off, but I got inside rolled down the windows and waited for his arrival. Well I can tell you he walked to the car with a smile and when he saw me was in shock - almost like defeat hit him.The prostitute didnt see me but called out to him to let him know when again and he mumbled something and when he saw me I said - did you answer the lady when or do you want me to go talk to her? I asked him whats going on or does he want me to go inside and ask her. He said sex. He got in the car and apologised for what he had done and has been doing....for the last.....are you ready for this - 5 years!He claimed the stress on our lives has been intense and its not about the sex rather about something in his head that triggers. It calms or numbs him from the issues for the half hour he is there. He cant explain it. He claimed he didnt want outr marriage to end. He would do anything to make it right. he kept apologising,I said I wasnt sure what I felt - but I did know he has lost my trust and respect completely. The biggest is the fact that this subject has been on the table before and he lied to me then. He needed to be caught in the act for things to be talked about.. He says he will do anything. So I said I dont know what and if I want but at the moment this is what I need:-. we go to get tested for stds coz he has now put me at risk with his screwing around. we go to councelling immediately - something he has always been against. . i wont tell the children (we have 4 teens) yet but want to see a psychologist first. he will go for blood test tomorrow also to check for any chemical imbalance - he is overweight and is medicated with high cholestrol. he stops acting crazy with me nad the kids - he has been very hard to be around lately and kids have been calling it midlife crisis. tomorrow he gets a hair cut - he has been looking like a hobo for ages and growing his hair like some madman. That was all i could think of at the moment before I talk to a psychologist. I know many will say get rid of him - he is a liar and a cheat. The problem is we have been together for 25 years and have 4 children. He is someone I have so much fun with - we enjoy eachothers company, we laugh together, go out places together, but whether this is salvigable I just dont know. I have spoken on the phone to proffessionals and they say 30% of marriages survive infidelity. The question is do I want to or will I be able to live with the idea that he has lied to me big time here. Will seeing a psychologist help him. I really think he wanted to be caught coz he said that now that I know he will be able to stop. Something isnt ticking right up there. I jsut dont know what to do.Any suggestions or comments will be appreciated.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (24 March 2013):
 I don’t believe in this ‘wanted to get caught’ business. That’s just what we tell ourselves to justify whatever faith we have, or want to have, in the offender. People who want to get caught turn themselves in. His confession was strategic. What might you have done if he’d revealed it then? What might you have done if he’d denied it now?
The problem with your plan, as I see it, is it focusses too much on analyzing and fixing him while creating extra work for you. And you’re relying on someone with a long history of not doing the right thing to suddenly start doing the right thing.
Hair grows. Are you going to keep chasing him to get it cut? What about the check up? Will you make the appointment or will you just keep reminding him to do it? And are you going to follow up with him about the results? What if his cholesterol is up? Do you plan to monitor his eating habits? Will you watch over him to ensure he’s taking whatever medication he’s prescribed? Do you see where this is headed?
Let’s assume he does everything on your list. He’ll look better, feel better and be more attractive to other women. Ok, so he might also be easier to live with and you can continue to laugh and go places with him. What happens when things appear to be fixed? His hair is cut, he’s eating better and easier to live with. Do you think he’s going to stay that way on his own forever?
How do you know your children haven’t already heard these rumours or discovered clues themselves but kept quiet to protect you? Is this the bar you’re prepared to set for them?
You don’t have to divorce him, but my advice is to focus your efforts on what you can accomplish, because at the end of the day you’re the only one you can really rely on. Protect your financial future by keeping separate bank accounts, consider a safe deposit box and use this as an opportunity to step back and take stock of your own life. Have the sacrifices you’ve made been worth the ‘rewards’ you’re enjoying now? Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate some of those sacrifices and be more selective of what you do or give up for whom and for what.
Your manner should be calm and quiet. I’d dispense with long heart to heart chats for a while. Less is more and actions speak louder than words. Your husband is merely buying time, oiling the squeekiest wheel. The key to ensuring his ongoing co-operation is to keep him on his toes forever. That is not the same as stringing him along. He must understand, not by your words, but by your actions, that you are moving forward with your life and his place in it is tenuous. What better way to get that message across than by being the kind of person he desperately wants to be with and creating for yourself a life he desperately wants to be part of? All with an air of ambivelance.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2013):
 You said this:
"We have had huge financial issues, loss of business, things really stressful. all this definitely took a toll on our lives."
Brothels and prostitutes are very expensive. If he's doing it for 5 years, I bet anything it was longer. Your financial troubles and loss of business didn't CAUSE him to do this. His brothel activities caused your loss of business.
Your guy is an addict, same as a heroin, or gambling, or cocaine, or anything. The damage to you financially is a whole lot more catastrophic than you think, and there is a lot more he's hiding from you. He's been living in a house of cards for years now, trying to keep it all from coming down on both of you.
I'm not telling you to leave because he's a liar and a cheat, which he is. I'm telling you to leave because he's destroying your life, and he's destroying your kids' life, and this won't make him stop. An addict doesn't care who he harms, and being upset about it and hating himself isn't what it takes.
He put you at risk for disease. He destroyed your livelihood and your home. There are plenty of people who are fun to be with whose company you enjoy, but he needs time to HIMSELF to straighten up, and you need to protect yourself and the kids.
Don't put your head in the sand now. Believe it or not, you've only barely scratched the surface of what he's truly been up to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): Infidelity is terrible, it's bad if its an affair with one woman but your husband has been having sex with various different women and to make it worse he's been using your hard earned cash to pay for it! Yes those women may have chosen that as their job, but if it weren't for men like your husband they wouldn't need to do it. Those women must be in a terrible place for prostitution seeming an answer. Or worse he has been using trafficked women.
I find it unforgiveable. You could possible salvage a drunken mistake or one off but for five years he has decieved you and your family. He has also put your health at considerable risk, has he not heard of AIDS?! If I were in your position the sight of him would disgust me.
It will be hard because there are children involved but if they're all teens then they are old enough to understand. I would be honest and tell them he cheated and it was with prostitutues. If he stays and your children find out what does it teach them? Either that they can behave like that and they will get away with it or if they ever receive treatment like that they may feel they have to forgive and forget.
It's easier for us sat here in our own lives but I really cannot see how staying with him would ever work, if I were you. I could never even kiss because I would wonder where his mouth had been and constantly feel appalled.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
 your list is good.
i think that you need to go to counseling for yourself
he needs to go for himself
and if you think you can and should save the marriage, then you need to go together.... I am not sure that I as forgiving as I am could forgive 5 years of prostitution use by my supposedly loving husband. He LIED TO YOU for FIVE YEARS.... that's a lot of lies, a lot of money too....
get some counseling for yourself too... figure out why you are willing to accept the lies, the deceit and the risk. It will come out and your reaction and behavior will teach your children what's acceptable in a marriage.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 March 2013):
 I know you have been together 25 years and it seems like it would be impossible to leave now, but 5 years is inexcusable. This isn't a one time slip up or something, this is five years. And worse, he's not "just" having sex. It's not an ego boost or something, he chose prostituted women at a time when he was low because he needed to prove he still had power over someone.
You can always try counseling, but I don't see how you can really move forward after finding out he's been cheating and lying for 1/5th of the marriage.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 If ur kids are teens a divorce would be easier maybe since theyre a bit more grown n can understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): If he wanted to be caught, why didn't he just tell you? Surely he could have stopped if he cared, he had 5 years to decide what he wanted. I think you need to put yourself first here, he did something so hurtful to you and you deserve better, plus he didn't tell you when you asked. I think he's destroyed the relationship.. why should he get away with sleeping with loads of different women over years and years? I think you should take a holiday with some friends or family and really think about what you want. I understand how hard it would be to give up the love of your life, but remember he risked the relationship for years. If you really decide to stay, get an amazing counsellor and don't let him off easy (no offense but a haircut is hardly a fair deal when he's had sex with hundreds of different women, what if he gave you HIV or something bad?!) Ithink you need to go out and have fun and rediscover yourself.... my mom went out now and then when I was a teenager and I think it helped her confidence. Believe in yourself and respect yourself, after all he wasn't putting you first when he was going with prostitutes
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