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I feel vulnerable, does that make me selfish?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 29 May 2015)
A female age 22-25, anonymous writes:

OK, I've been in a relationship for 6 months with my other half. I know it's not long but I do really care about him.

Everything seems OK when we are together but I'm beginning to have cold feet. He is so blunt in his messages to me ( which he never was initially). He claims he isn't... But it's so noticeable. I feel low often and very anxious about his actions. This mainly revolves around him being a terrible drunk. He isn't an alcoholic... But when he drinks, he ends up blind drunk and quite flirtatious with other women. He denies it all and apologieses like nothing happened and I'm being stupid.

Tonight I've been made to feel vulnerable.. He went to a friends thing, and didn't text me at all... I understand he was busy with friends. But when he did begin messaging me... It was all jumbled and spelt wrong. Obvious he was very drunk. Of course I got upset and started saying I was upset he lied about not drinking... I wouldn't have minded if he had said... But he seems out of it.

I want to trust him... But this has hurt a lot. I am scared of losing him... Because I do love him.

I just think for someone who is 28, he'd be more mature...

Am I being selfish?

View related questions: alcoholic, drunk, flirt, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

I agree entirely with Notsohappy. Trust isn't selfish and is vital to a relationship. I think this boyfriend just wants to have fun and has some maturing to do before he's ready for a committed relationship. His drinking and tendency to lie to cover his tracks is worrisome. What's more, he's on the road to becoming an alcoholic if he isn't already. You have every right to be upset and distrustful.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (29 May 2015):

Garbo agony auntHe could very well be sincere that his intent was not to sleep with those women whom he flirts with and frankly, drunk men are often too intoxicated to maintain an erection, and he knows it, so even if she offered him sex on the spot he would likely refuse because he couldn't perform.

Be that as it may, I'd like to point to your attempt at a distinction that he isn't and alcoholic but gets drunk. Indeed, he may not have a dependency (alcoholic) but his abuse of alcohol (functioning alcoholic) produces outcomes tantamount of an alcoholic. I believe that you will have these nasty bouts of emotional crisis as long as he keeps abusing alcohol as though an alcoholic.

So perhaps he is not lying, and although your love for him, I fear that your relationship with him will suffer in the long run despite your love and despite the truth that he is not chasing other women... Simply because he is a functioning drunk.

I'd suggest that you attempt at getting him to moderate, substitute or help eliminate his alcohol abuse because there is nothing selfish in what you describe but you are made to feel that way by attempting to provide more and more space to your BF so that he can prolong his drinking habit. Eventually, both alcoholics and functioning drunks, construe their entire life's routine around having more and more space to feed their habit. What you describe in your post fits this pattern like a glove.

Point of my post is to go beyond just answering your question that , No, you are not selfish and to alert you that given his drinking these bouts of emotional pain that you've described will likely repeat in the future and that you will not be happy until the drinking goes away.

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