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Big decisions. Do I stay in my comfort zone? Or should I take a chance with this job offer, despite my Bf's objections?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 May 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2015)
A female Australia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been with my boyfriend for seven years now (lived together for five years with his grandparents).

I've been on a temporary contract with work for the past year, but I've just been offered a full time permanent position at a new company 3 - 4 hours away.

It's in a city I've always fancied living in, and the role and company seem good (although not quite as good benefits as where I am at the minute). However, I'd really miss my boyfriend as I find it really difficult to be away from him for long periods of time after being together everyday for the past few years.

I thought I didn't have an issue with moving away from him, but since I've received this job offer I've really been wondering how I'd be away from him - hence why I didn't accept it as soon as they rang me to offer me the role and asked to think about it.

On the other hand, I have a temporary position in a city I'm not sure where I want to live, or how long the position is going to last, but I would be happy to be with my boyfriend.

It's also the 'easy option' to go back to, as it's in my comfort zone.

My boyfriend is making it really difficult for me to make a decision as he's really against me going and angry, and feels it is backwards for our relationship as we're happy as we are, as he can't move from his job.

He's really making me feel guilty about even considering the position, which really isn't helping. But at the same time, I understand his points and feel the same on some aspects, as I really would find a LDR difficult as we've always been together.

Thing is, I don't want to not take the role and regret it or accept it and realise I've made the wrong decision.

Saying that, I don't want to resent my boyfriend either if I don't take the role because of him.

It's just a really big scary decision, as everything will be final when I send the email and they'll be no going back.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

Take the job, go for it.

When I was your age I was in an LDR with a guy I met at university. He, however, always encouraged me to put my career first and my parents always did the same, so I focused on my career and moved away. I fell pregnant to him and miscarried and it was a very tough time, but my new job was understanding (luckily) and eventually we split up as I began to change and mature and he didn't.

25 years later we reconnect on Facebook, he has been married and divorced twice, never finished his degree and never had a career.

He always had a very laid-back approach to life though. We got back together in an LDR and I have changed... he hasn't. I have been running a media agency for over 10 now and yes it has its tough times, it's mega ups and its major downs, but I achieved something and the sad fact is, he never did.

It's also very sad to say the wonderful reunion never lasted as he is a 50 year old "teenager" still in his head and expects to live off others, do very little and not work. Also very sad to say in that respect, he would not have made a good long-term partner or father. I hate writing that because it sounds disrespectful, but they are the facts. He would not have supported me when I really needed it.

So take the job. Make a future for YOU. If your bf is right for you, things will work out. If not, trust me, life moves on and there are so many different people and opportunities out there, but if you turn this job offer down, you may never get that first "break" of its kind again.

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A male reader, SensitiveBloke United Kingdom +, writes (29 May 2015):

SensitiveBloke agony auntTo advise you, I need to know where you think your relationship is going. Is is just bumping along or are you making plans to marry and be together forever?

Is your career more important than this relationship? Why can't your boyfriend move jobs? Can you not find a similar job closer to where you live? Why are you still living with his grandparents?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

Little background on me (to give you an idea of how I may help you): my boyfriend and I are in a very new relationship (2 months-ish), but are already living together (temporarily, before he goes to uni), with my family (we are 19 and 20). We have already talked about the fact that our individual futures come first, which would ultimately improve our future too, but is necessary for our development and happiness outside of the relationship, should it not work out between us.

You've been with this guy for 7 *years*! You still need to think of it like my boyfriend and I do, because you're in a very similar situation. I can understand that it's a hard market and you may not be able to afford your own place yet, but it doesn't sound like he has any future plans to change (enhance) the state of your relationship.

You *need* to do this for yourself. You need to give yourself a future and he can tag along if/when he's ready to contribute. Maybe this is the deciding moment in your relationship where he either steps up or steps out, but you need to figure out what's best for you either way :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

Take the job. Take the job. Take the job!

2/3 hours away is nothing. I have done LDR between countries after living together. It was hard in some ways but It's not a death sentence to the relationship. We're now in the same country and happily married.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 May 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt Take a chance and spread your wings. I understand that your bf may not be thrilled at the idea ,and that's natural, then again, what is he offering you as an appealing, constructive alternative for your future ?

X more years of... boyfriendhood in his grandparents' place ?! Oh please . At least you were living on your own ! , but like this ....

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (29 May 2015):

YouWish agony auntYou know, people may disagree with me on this, but this guy *had* his chance. You both are late 20's, well done with college and it's high time to be into a career journey as well as GETTING MARRIED.

You need to evolve and move forward in your life, and this job is it. This guy could have gotten married to you, put down roots, and the relationship could have gone forward together. However, he thought the "high school/college" behaviors would continue, such as living with parents/grandparents. At your age and well beyond that era, owning your own property or at least having your own names on a lease is a good goal to aspire to, having your own mark on the world.

You need to take this offer. It's the one with the future. The one with your boyfriend doesn't, and that's never been more clear than your boyfriend's attitude toward you taking it. He's right about feeling relationship "backwards", but honestly, until this moment, he's not cared one thing about relationship "forwards", and has been content in you being an ornament in HIS life, liking HIS comfortable life. If he loved you, he'd want you to achieve. Of course ANY boyfriend wouldn't like losing their girl, but true love doesn't hold the other one back or sit in idle without any future.

A paralyzed, atrophied, and apathetic present is NOT a future to hold on to.

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A male reader, yours2015 Australia +, writes (29 May 2015):

Dear friend !

One thing I will tell you that Love to get increase between the people , stay at distance. So this job is Good to accept.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 May 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntBoyfriend, SCHmoyfriend!!! Do what's "best" and "right" for YOU.... If he's worth his salt, you and he can reconcile things, later......

Good luck....

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 May 2015):

Staying in your comfort-zone will make you pass up opportunities that may not come your way for a long-time. You can barely subsist on a temporary-work contract. You have to have financial-stability. I don't want to cause you more duress; but after seven years, when is your boyfriend going to consider the next level of your relationship?

He's pulling you away from opportunity; but who's making the greatest sacrifice?

Too many women (regardless of age) make the sacrifice to save relationships. Opting for love over success and independence. Yet, the man doesn't offer her much in exchange for giving up so much. Not even a engagement ring?!! Then out of nowhere he decides to dump her; and she gave-up everything to stay. She'll wind-up staring in the mirror counting wrinkles and regrets. He'll just find some other woman to hold-down. Somebody has to move-up. let it be you!

It's one thing to pass-up something to save a marriage or engagement; but staying with a boyfriend who doesn't seem to care how your future is going to be effected by giving up a sure job-offer stinks. Just doesn't seem to cut it!

I get exhausted hearing the only reason being "you love him;" meanwhile getting the short-end of stick.

I think he should give you a reason to give-up a job to stay. Seven years you've been devoted, and he hasn't even considered marriage?

Being your perpetual-boyfriend seems like little reason to give-up a job; when you don't know when you may find yourself out of work. As a boyfriend, he has no obligation to support you while you're out of work. I think you've become complacent and he's just part of the familiar scenery.

My dear, you're letting life pass you by; and he doesn't seem to be doing anything to propel your success, or improve your future. His objections are of little consequence, when he hasn't put a counter-offer on the table that will enhance your future. No insult intended here, but neither of you are getting any younger.

In this case, put yourself first. Even if he decided to put a ring on it; he's got to want to see you succeed, and do well for yourself. Not stall or impede your upward-mobility.

You're not even happy where you are; you're just settling for it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015):

NEVER defer your dreams for the sake of a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially when boyfriend isn't being supportive and is putting his interests ahead of yours.

Boyfriends come and go, opportunities such as this one don't come along very often.

The odds are far greater that in five years you'd regret passing up this position more than you'd regret accepting it.

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