A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Nowadays I feel as though I'm a jinx when it comes to finding love. Ever since my friends and I began college/uni, nearly all of my friends have managed to find boyfriends and move on with their lives, whereas I have not.I have had a male friend interested in me in the past in high school, however my ex-best friend - out of sheer jealousy - told him that I only liked him as a friend when it was clearly obvious that I liked him. This had caused him to drop me like a diseased hand, and after feeling hurt and betrayed, I decided to take a break from anything to do with guys and focussed on my studies instead. A few years later, I am currently studying a well-respected course at a great university. In addition, I feel as if I have recovered from the ordeal in the past and I am ready to face the prospects of dating once more.However, I'm having difficulty finding a guy showing interest in me, and I have no idea what I may be doing wrong. I'm rather shy but more confident once others get to know me, down-to-earth and average-looking. I've had a number of people complimenting me about my appearance, and I try to be as out-going as possible, but sometimes I think to myself, "What am I doing wrong?"Nowadays it's become even more difficult as my old friends focus their attention on their boyfriends and rarely talk to me anymore, and when they actually do, the conversation is always about their relationships with their boyfriends and how supposedly perfect they are. My friends who are single are often approached and asked for their numbers by other guys whilst I stand close by feeling awkward and ignored. It is very rare if I'm approached in a night club. In addition, I have to deal with my friends constantly asking me if I've met somebody yet, and they act shocked when I say I'm still single and comment, "What? A pretty girl like you?", and , "Aw, just keep looking, hun", and go back to talking about their relationships. I know that's all very well and that they're trying to be nice about it, but it makes me want to cry. It just reminds me how alone I really am, and makes me feel ugly and insecure.I'm sorry about the rant. I just feel insignificant to my friends since I haven't got a boyfriend, and that I have practically turned into a ghost since I barely hear from them anymore. Despite uni, I feel as if my life is very boring and I'm sick of sitting at home at the weekends watching DVDs, feeling sorry for myself. I just feel it's unfair that my friends have found love so easily when it has been so difficult for myself. I often find myself asking, "What about me? Don't I deserve somebody?"So, my question is, how do I feel better about myself? How can I lift my depression?Thanks, xoxox
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a break, depressed, insecure, jealous, move on, my ex, shy, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, moon river +, writes (23 November 2011):
 okay i was in exactly this situation, well still am. and i have gone to uni! so that is pretty embarrassing that i still dont attract guys!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): The thing about life. We are human and we are going to have down moments, feel gloom. But we need to do our best to not be consumed by self pity and negativity.You need to readjust thinking to what am I doing right?You are getting an education. Upgrading skills and knowledge gives you a competitive edge in job market.You have a career path. With it you will be able to make money, be independant. Successful.You will be so strong and confident being able to care for yourself, a strong confident man will find you desirable.Its totally okay to be single when you are in Uni/College. Your friends may have someone in their life but how many couples actually survive college/uni?Perspective. You shouldn't have to define happiness and success by having a boyfriend. You do that and well, you end up being unhappy, depressed, watching DVDs and stuck in gloom mode.YOu have to be happy and love yourself FIRST and accept you are an amazing person that maybe is overlooked because of your shyness. Its just a social set back that CAN BE WORKED ON. Ever thought to join toastmasters to get over shyness via public speaking? Address your fears and shyness head on. Most everyone in such a group has the same fears, struggles so they are very supportive and encouraging. Plus you will make new friends that have a similar interest as the one you would be developing. And it opens up the chances of meeting new people.I say its better to meet someone in such a group setting over a bar.I never understood how alcohol equates ever lasting love and happiness. In the dating world in my country, province- there are way too many men fed up with party girls, drinking, clubs, and the games and stupidity that is associated with drinking and that lifestyle.They want a decent, family oriented, strong minded, confident woman and guess what- that would be you.so really, change up your life some and see the results.You can't expect change to happen if you sit at home moping.Get out of victim mode and into PROACTIVE mode. STAT!!Best Wishes!!*hugs*
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Off course it is hard when all your friends seemed loved up and you feel like you are left on the shelf. Yes that can be hard. But have you yourself actually tried to do anything about it, you talk about guys approaching your friends and never you. But have you actually ever taking the time to approach a guy and ask them for your number. Why not take the lead. Be more open to the idea of approaching a guy even if it is just to be friendly. Take the lead and you might be surprised at how many guys actually take an interest in you. Be more outgoing. Talk to men, try and get to know them. Take the lead, because if you sit around waiting for that perfect man to take the first step you will only get more depressed. It is not always up to the guy to approach the girl. So try be more outgoing and flirting with guys. Practice makes perfect so don't give up if at first you don't succeed just keep trying.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Confidence is key in a situation like this. Take some time for yourself, then when you next plan to go out with your single friends, go and get your hair and nails done, get a new outfit and instead of worrying about finding a guy, just enjoy yourself and have fun!!
Also, try and be more confident in speaking to guys in clubs. I used to do this all the time. I would look for a guy i liked, then when he caught my eye i would squint a bit at him a couple of times. I would then eventually go over to him and apologize for making it seem like i was staring, and told him he looked really familiar to me (like i had seen him somewhere before) The guy would then do one of two things, either say that he had never seen me before in his life (to which i apologized, said i'd clearly mixed him up with someone else, wished him and his friends a good night and walked away) or he would spend a few minutes trying to jog my memory. This sparks up a conversation and then he would offer to buy me a drink.
Most of the time it would just be a friendly chat, maybe a dance then he would make sure i got a cab home, but a couple of times i got phone numbers out of it.
As i said in the beginning, confidence is key. You may be reading this thinking "There's no way in hell i'm doing that!!!" That's how i thought at first, but i gave it a try and now i'm not afraid to talk to people in general.
Even doing something as simple as going to the bar and saying hi to the person next to you, or letting them be served before you (if they were waiting before you of course!)
Give it a try :)
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