A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a 3 year relationship with a guy. We do live separately. I am in need of some help and advice please. Something has happened to my feelings, before i really loved him a lot, adored him.At work recently ( we worked together for 6 months) there was flirting going on mainly from her side but i felt he didn't stop it.Now i no longer work with him, i felt i had enough of no commitment and was upset about the flirting.After 2 weeks we started back together again but my feelings have changed totally.Our sex life was magical, and perfect, and i could not get enough of him.After 2 plus weeks we got back and had sex and i felt numb, and dead.I feel depressed because of this, it was never like this once in all the time we have been together.It feels like a huge loss and i feel so empty, i could not respond and felt totally nothing.He also felt it.We both are worried.I do not know what to do for the best for us.I did finish and was heartbroken for the first week and in a lot of emotional pain. Second week was a little easier and now we have kind of got back but everything feels different.I asked him what we should do, his reply was to give it more time to think about things. He wants it to continue but he can see i am not very happy and obviously neither of us wants to repeat what happened sexually as it was terrible.I just don't know what has happened to me or how to proceed with this relationship. I feel totally empty.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 If he broke the trust, only he can mend it and it will take a lot of effort to do.
You feel lost because the trust has gone...things are familiar but not the same and all your reactions and feelings are normal for someone who has been betrayed.
I agree with Tisha, you have invested time and love into the relationship and now it has been damaged by him and your head is spinning. Nothing will be as it was until he makes it right and he probably does not know where to begin to fix it (just saying sorry and picking up where you left off isn't going to cut it)
The thing is, it's too soon to see if you want to stay and watch him make amends...and will he do it the right way anyhow?
If you cannot face ending things, you could try staying and forgetting but it's often more frustrating and damaging to do this and he may twist things and start blaming the changes on you.
Give yourself a bit of space and time to see where your dust settles. Do things you haven't been able to do whilst in the relationship, things like going to see your girlfriends or travelling, or starting a hobby that you really want to try. Relaxation, yoga, swimming, pilates,hill walking, painting, knitting or quilt making...anything that keeps your mind elsewhere.
I would resist having sex with him until you are sure that he is making some sort of effort to make amends or until you know where you are feelings wise!!
You are grieving the loss of trust and that is difficult and painful. The last person who can support you in this is the person who caused it.
Time will provide the answer!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 It sounds as though you lost trust in him, which prevents you from letting go and being present in sexual intimacy.
You've invested a couple of years of your time and energy to him and the relationship and the way he repays it is by allowing another woman to become emotionally close to him through flirting.
Yes, I'd say you have lost trust and with some reason. What steps is he taking to rebuild trust? Have you considered couples counseling? Do you want different outcomes from this longterm relationship, as in, do you want marriage and he wants the status quo?
The conflict in the relationship is now showing up in the bedroom, not surprising.
What do you want, as a best case scenario?
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