A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,In a weird situation right now regarding a girl's age.So the backstory is, I was out at a club with my friends, ended up talking and dancing with a few girls. As standard, try the whole 'are you coming back to mine thing' haha to which she said she can't and she's going home with her friend, but that I should add her on facebook.So the next day, I do. We exchange numbers and begin texting, so I dropped a question 'So do you go to college or....?' to which she replied 'I'm still at school' To which as you can expect, I was horrified. I'm 20 years old. So I dug deeper asking 'does this mean I'm doing something very wrong?' and she said no as she is 16, which is of course a legal age in the UK.Now, her best friend used to date one of my mates. They broke up, but my mate wants to get back together with her best friend, so he wants to set up a double date scenario. Now I don't really feel terrible about the age gap, should I? It's weird though, extremely weird thinking that she's at school still - To me it's just screaming 'paedophile' even though it's legal. She's a good looking girl, seems nice to talk to and I'd like to give it a chance, but I don't wanna be looked at funny with the age difference and all.Would you guys look at me weird with the info that you have here?Thanks for your time.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2012):
 If it's going to be shared, one last thing...
There is more than legal restrictions on 16 year old's in the UK. Parents also have the ability to turn to social services if they think that their child may suffer harm because they are beyond parental control. This can happen at any age below 17 and they can be kept in care until 18.
However, if your serious and keep the restrictions in mind and talk to the parents then things should probably be all right.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Think back to how mature you were at 16.
How much have you grown and matured in those 4 years? What do you know now, what have you experienced since then that have helped you grow into an adult?
She is 16... she may only have turned 16 last month. She thinks she is an adult and grown up. She isn't.
That shows in her behaviour already, as she should not even have been at the club.
Think about the legalities of clubbing - legally you have to be over 18 to gain entry (due to the alcohol etc).
So, she either lied or worse has fake ID in order to gain entry to these places.
Then there are other issues. Come the summer, she will be sitting her GCSE's. No parent will allow a 20 yr old boyfriend to distract from such important exams.
When she starts her A levels, what then? Perhaps she wants to move away for Uni...something which you are already nearly finished.
You can't take her to see an 18 film at the cinema.
You can't take her to a club (18+ law)
You can't take her to a bar and have alcohol
She can't drive
She can't vote
As you are over 18, and she under, legally she is a minor, a child in the eyes of the law. She may be able to have sex, but that is about it. Whenever she was out with you, you would be the responsible adult. Like a parent or guardian.
You are in two very different places in life. You are just beginning yours, as an adult. You will have a job, bills, mortgage to think about.
She has to worry about getting up for school and doing her homework.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 February 2012):
 I think as a mother of girls I would be a little worried if my 16 year old girl was dating a 20 year old boy, for the simple reason that he would be (in many respects) on another level experience-wise, however, I think the maturity level might be more in balance.
If you understand that she is ONLY 16 and take everything really slow - take the time to get to know her, it might be ok.
My brother and his wife were 16 and 19 when they started dating and well, 28 years later, they are still together. My SIL was a very mature girl and I guess my brother was a bit immature so that worked well.
If all you are looking for is a sexual relationship I think you need to pass this one up.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 February 2012):
I honestly don't see the big deal. It's just 4 years. And personally, I don't see a big mental difference between a 16 y/o gal and a guy of 20. Just respect any boundaries she may have, but that goes without saying for any girl or woman you may date.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2012):
 In the US there would be problems with this... and as a parent of a 16 yr old girl I would not be happy with her dating a 20 year old...but then there is not a club she could go to where she would meet one....
It's not illegal and a 4 year gap is not much... but there is a huge difference between 20 and out of school and 16 and in school....
I think that you may have to tread very lightly and have minimal expectations of the relationship at least for a while.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2012):
Thanks anon who reminds us about grooming
The sexual offences act in the UK, states that if you have been close to someone under the age of 16 and you were over 18, but waited until they were 17 (age goes up) to have sex, then you may have committed the offence of grooming, and penalties include jail and placement on the sex offenders register.
Not applicable in your case.
But the Act also warns against taking pictures of under 18's in the nude, or showing them pornography. (again jail penalties)
So legally you can date and have sex, but there are many other things you cannot do, which would be possible with a woman of your own age.
Also not sure about this double dating thing unless you are serious about her yourself.
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A
male
reader, Mark_25_ +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Hey, well as I'm 20 and my girlfriend is 16 (although she's 17 next week and doing A-Levels) I feel I might be able to offer a bit of insight.I think it entirely depends on the situation, the background between the two people as to whether it's right or not. In my case, we met online (again makes it sound worse along with the age thing), chatted for about 6 months, and met with the view of making music, but we just clicked, and about 2 months later we started a relationship. We were friends for quite a while before anything else, which when it comes to things like parents, helps a lot. The first time we met was at hers, and her parents understandably wanted to guage what I was like. Later on my gf said that they liked me and trusted me fairly instantly and I now get on with them really well. From your point of view, you've literally just wandered into her life from her parents point of view, didn't know each other beforehand, that'll make even the most open minded parents reserved. If they're close minded, they really won't like it in any way shape or form.And then there's also the age gap and how everyone else will see it. From my point of view, I first thought that it might be a problem, but after I'd met her, my feelings grew really quickly, I realised pretty instantly that I'd never met anybody else that is so similar and understanding of me, and therefore my attitude towards the age thing was, "who cares what anybody else thinks". In your position, it is literally a case of no real feelings towards her, therefore all you can think of is the age gap and what people will think.So basically, if you want to actually see where it might go relationship wise, just carry on talking to her, maybe meet up with her as friends, find out what she's like, build something before going straight into a relationship. And if you want to do that, either do the whole double date thing as a friends thing, or, don't bother with it.If it's a case of just doing it to help your mate out, it's not really going to be that well recieved - it's not going to be that hard for them to work out that it's to try and get your mate back together with her best friend.Hope that helps
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2012):
In the UK the legal age of consent is 16 and you are able to have sex with a person of any age above that. The UK does not have a "Romeo and Juliet" clause, where she can only date and have sex with people a couple of years above her. There is nothing illegal going on here, she could sleep with a man of 90 if she wanted to and there would still be no legal problem. Although you are legally an adult, there are still a few things you can't do until you are 21.It's then an issue of morality and what people may say. At 20 years old there is only a small gap between you, and you are seen as a young person yourself. The only difficulty is when she is wearing her school clothes, then her real age could be confused. She's younger than you and there are so many things she still can't do. Really she's not legally allowed to go clubing (legal usually at 18 or 25)or allowed to drink alcohol (legal at 18) and she shouldn't have been there. To turn you down and go home with a friend shows that an adult somewhere is in control.Therefore you just can't date her. At any time her parents can ban her from seeing you and keep her in the house. It's not sensible to date children still under their parents control unless you are serious about her. If it's a proper relationship you want with this girl and some time of longterm future, then take her out (coffee not alcohol) get to know her, take things slowly, wait until she makes the suggestion about sex. Also do the old fashioned thing and ask to be introduced to her parents. I wouldn't be worried about my 16 year old dating a 20 year old, but I would get very nervous and uncomfortable if I didn't meet him, and do everything in my power to get her to stop seeing him.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (15 February 2012):
 You're still extremely young yourself. It's not unheard of for high school girls to have college age boyfriends, because a large number of girls prefer dating older people. It's common enough to not be a problem with most people although SOME FOLKS will find it odd. If you are really interested in this girl, I strongly suggest you get in good with her parents. Show them that you are a good guy, not just looking for sex, but after a meaningful relationship with her. Treat her and them extremely respectfully. Be aware that they will, at first, probably be (rightfully) concerned and may very well be extremely suspicious and cold to you. BE GRACIOUS, no matter what. Take the slings and arrows with your chin up and be graceful in those situations, they are going to test you to make sure you are a good choice for her.Be persistent and consistent. Be GOOD TO HER, at in don't cheat, sext with other girls, be on time and keep your promises. This relationship will be FRAGILE because of your age difference and her parents' concern for their daughter's emotional welfare. If you aren't ready to treat this girl with kid gloves, DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH HER. I don't care how attracted to her you are, if you cannot be serious with her, do not date her. She is too young to use for sex, period.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 People from different cultures are going to view your question differently. However, in Australia this relationship would not be viewed as illegal.
Some 16 year old girls are very mature in their development, both emotionally and mentally. Personally I cannot see a problem with a double date, just keep in mind the difference in ages, and be aware it is possible she is more innocent than you. Treat her with respect, take it easy, softly softly is the way to go. Don't make it a romantic relationship between until you have been in each other's company for a few months, this way you will be able to guage if she is ready for a relationship or if you should stay "just friends" until she grows up a little more.
Good luck with it!
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