A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a bad person, don't judge too harshly.I'm on vacation in England at the moment (I'm from America), and I'm visiting family. I've been spending lots of time with my cousin Diana and her fiance, Jesse, because they're close to my age and we get on well (I'm 18, Diana is 21, Jesse is 23.)Jesse and Diana have been together an awful long time. But I think things are getting stale in their relationship.Jesse and I have been spending lots of time together, and I've found myself extremely attracted to him. I developed a crush on him, but I think it's purely based on lust.Well when we were alone one day, Jesse told me that he and Diana were becoming more like friends now and that they probably won't stay together much longer. I was sympathetic and tried to give advice, and then he told me it's a shame he's not single because he'd love to kiss me. I was dying for him to, but I told him it would be wrong and nothing happened.Everytime we're alone now, he jokes about us getting together. I keep saying "Even if you and Diana broke up, it would never happen. Exes of family members are off limits." etc.He's a great guy and he's good to Diana. I think he's just been feeling a bit down about them lately and he's lonely, so he's been cosying up to me I guess to get what he's not getting lately from my cousin. And although nothing more than inappropriate flirting has been going on, I feel like an awful person. How could I be attracted to my cousin's FIANCE? How could I flirt with him?? It's just terrible.I'm leaving in a few days so hopefully then this will all disappear. Jesse and I are going to keep in contact the same way I keep in contact with all my relatives, and things are going to be purely on a friendly level. I just feel like....so guilty. And horrible for doing this behind Diana's back. Should I tell her?
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (6 April 2007):
 I think you have shown tremendous strength of character and personal dignity in this situation. You recognise the physical attraction but you also know it is wrong and it is good that you are going home. I think your loyalty should be for your cousin - imagine family reunions if you did succumb to temptation.I don't think this guy is an English gent - he has the potential to cheat and that means he would cheat on you if you did have a relationship with him. I think you should not mention this to your cousin - she could end up taking his side over yours and she will find out what he is like soon enough.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 April 2007):
 Hi,
When you go back to the U.S., you should not keep in touch with Jesse, because he is not family and he is not your personal friend, you know him because he is your cousin's fiance. You developed a crush on him, he picked up on it and flirted back. I'm not sure if he's the right guy for your cousin, but he is certainly not doing well by her (and if you think about it, that's not a great track record). He may become family, but he is not related to you by blood or marriage right now. So - if you do keep in touch with him, you will be doing it behind your cousin's back and it's not appropriate. You are having guilty feelings because you were not exactly behaving well, but you did stand up for your cousin in the end. I'm less impressed by his behaviour, he knew you were younger and off limits (and he's the one who is supposed to be engaged). Let's all hope that he doesn't do this behind her back on a regular basis. Your cousin is a big girl and I'm sure she probably knows his faults, but I think it would be unwelcome if you were to tell her what went on between you. If he is a cad, she will find out soon enough. You were absolutely right when you said that you could never date him if they split up anyway, Life is far to short for such a complicated relationship. You never be happy and people wouldn't be happy for you. Never date friends brothers, brothers friends, friends of friends, well - it's just simpler to date unrelated people with no history than to invite all that grief into your life. So, in short, don't tell Diana, Don't write Jesse and you are not a bad person, just human like the rest of us. When push-came-to-shove, you told him you thought kissing him would be wrong and you did do the right thing. I hope things work out for your cousin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): Yes, you should tell her. But first you should ask her about her relationship with her finance and if things are good and how strong she feels about him.THen maybe you should slowyly and carefully tell her, and be honest about your feelings but make sure to tell her that you feel very guilty about the way you feel.Tell her exactly what you wrote, that you have no intentions of being with him. Tell her what he told you also. I hope that she does not get mad at you, but better things are in the open now before they go through a marriage. You maybe saving your cousin a lot of hurt in the future. Now, this maybe touchy becasue she may be a bit upset with you or maybe not. It all depends on the type of person she is.I feel that telling the truth before you leave is the best the you could do, it's just my gut feeling.It will be difficult for you but be strong and Good luck.
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A
female
reader, LittleTwoLegs  +, writes (6 April 2007):
 No, you're exactly right with everything you've done so far, and everything you've taken in and decided from the situation. There's no need to tell your cousin, because soon you'll be far away and you won't have to worry about it. Nothing happened between you two, and that's great!
Keep it up and stay strong! You've done everything right and nothing wrong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): Hi, I think I would defiently tell her, but wait until you get back to america. Hes more in the wrong then you are because hes sayin he wants to do stuff to you, I think you should tell her before she gets hurt, i mean after all family is stronger then partners.
hope this helps!
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