A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HI guys. I have posted questions on here before and had some really good advice so hope you can help.To cut a long story short, I have been with my partner almost four years and we are reasonably happy. It started out long distant but i moved in with him 2 years ago giving up everything i know. He has 2 children with his ex wife that we see a lot of. They stay most weekends and school holidays. Not long after moving in with him, He took a job working away during the week which was really hard for me as i am here on my own with no friends and missing my kids although they are older and at uni. I still miss having them close by. The job is very good money which enables him to save for the future so i can understand in a way as jobs like this don't come along too often. I pay half the bills and shopping money which i don't mind because i rent my property out so i don't have to worry about that. I have a little equity in my house although not much and i am prepared to sell my house and put the proceeds into a new home together. When we first met, he was all for buying a house together after a couple of years but now that time has come, he is reluctant and is afraid to make that step. He has no mortgage on his propetry. He owns it outright. The only other people in his life are his father, his father's partner and his 2 children.We were chatting the other night and he said he wanted to make a will and i agreed this was a good idea bearing in mind that he has a substantial amount of savings and other assets.His father has just made a will so this must have got him thinking about things. His father is leaving 50% of the property to him alongside his savings and 25% of the property to his grandchildren(my partners kids) and 25% to his new partner. He seemed a bit upset by this as he thought he would get it all. He said he was giong to write a will and leave everything to his kids including what he was to inherit from his dad. I asked about me as i was his partner and spending the rest of my life with him and the kids and if he wanted to make sure i was ok should anything happen to him. His reply was that if we buy a house together we would sign an agreement that i only get back what i put in to start with and that if we stayed here in his house, he would leave me the car.I am in no way materialistic and certainly not after his money. I was in shock at his answer. It just really upset me. I feel like everything is one big large financial transaction between him, his dad and dad's girlfriend and his 2 children and i feel like a total outsider. Would this upset you or am i overreacting? I feel like leaving at the moment because i don't mean that much to him. sorry it went on a bit longer than i intended. hope ypo can help x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): "We are meant to be a couple and i feel like a lodger and that is how he treats me."I just wonder why you love him and what you see in him if he treats you this way? Money issues aside, this is clearly not a loving relationship overall. I do think his children should get the large bulk of his estate, however, something should go to his life partner also unless you are financially wealthy and you will be totally ok if he passes. Even then most people would leave you something more than a car and they would want to provide for you if they could and if they really loved you. If he really can't and feels his children need it all that is understandable, but then you need to end the relationship and find someone who makes you feel you are their family.Right now you have put yourself in a position to be the giver of everything, paying half the costs when he is wealthier than you, loving him and his family, contributing to a home that you will get nothing from and accepting that he takes a job that allows him more wealth while it takes him away from you, and again you will gain nothing from it. He is a user- the gain is all for him here and nothing for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): I think you made the right decision- you're not a gold digger. there is no way you should behave as a family member and contribute to his family assets if you're not really considered a member of the family as well. He would leave you the car??? How generous of him... omg.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): op. perhaps not and so very confused.. thankyou for understanding and for your advice, much appreciated. I have decided to move back to my house which will more than likely mean us splitting up but at least i can spend money on my property instead of his and when i die. the whole proceeds will go to my 2 children. It is a shame as i love him very much but i cannot put into this house anymore when it is of no benefit to me. Thanks again x
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reader, kirra07  +, writes (29 February 2012):
I have been wondering about this as well, as my husband's parents are both remarried and each spouse has children from outside the marriage, the same as your situation, except that you are not married. You have your own children, and he has his own children. If he dies first and left you something, then you would pass it on to your own children, and vice versa. What he is doing is making sure his kids get their inheritance. And you can leave your own assets solely to your children as well. Of course it does make it seem like a business transaction, but I'm afraid that that is what happens in second marriages, especially with each person having their own children. Because people want to support their own children, not their partner's children, especially when those children are already full grown.
It's unfortunate for you. But I think what would be more upsetting to me now is how he is treating you financially while you are both alive. I don't really think it's fair that everything is split 50/50 when you make so much less than he does; essentially he is benefitting by saving more, versus you building up little savings. Now that you know how he feels about this, you need to be careful to look after your own assets, and to make sure that anything you put money into (ie a house or car, etc) has your name on it as well.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Yeah I’d be upset too. I’m sorry but if you live together you are a couple and you are and should be treated as the defacto spouse.
IF you sell your house and move into a new home together then when he dies it should become YOURS… not his kids.
If you did not live together then that would be a totally different thing. There was a time that men and women did not live together as husband and wife without the benefit of marriage. I think if you live together then you should be treated as his wife. You sleep in his bed, you have sex with him you help with his children you are his PARTNER…
I am in a living together situation right now and we have totally comingled funds and what’s mine is his. IF I died today he’d be homeless except for the grace of my adult children who would let him live in the house they would inherit… We had two options to protect him in this arena… we could go to the lawyers and draw up multiple papers at great expense to make sure he was as protected as a spouse with his inheritance rights to our home (that was mine before I knew him) or we could get married.
While I do not really think that I should get married again I am doing it because I love this man and want to protect him and take care of him even when I am dead. (I am older than he is by 13 years so it’s probable that I will die first)
YOU are NOT overreacting. DO NOT sell your house….
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 No, I would not be upset , I would think it's very normal . Most people bust theirs a...s off and work all their life precisely with the intent to build up something substantial to pass on to their children. I don't think it's fair the children should see their share reduced or halved ,except for what it's expressely,mandatoriy stated by law ( which is not the case with live in gfs ) , only because their parent established a new romantic relationship, that, no matter how happy, won't change their privileged status as nexts of kin and blood related.
I'd think that this is what happens when you meet people with children, and if I'd decide to go live with a man who has children, without the legal guarantees afforded to a second wife, first I'd make very sure a ) that I love him a lot so every day I'd spend with him would be a bonus in itself regardless of monetary gain. and b) that I had not sacrified a lot / jeopardized my income and means of survival / dramatically altered my lyfestile.
As you have noticed, your bf was not enthusiastic about the shares in his father's will, in fact he felt royally screwed up - whether he is right or wrong in feeling so, it's up for debate, but anyway it's understandable that he want to spare his kids the same experience.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Forgive me for saying so but you just don't seem that happy overall with your relationship.
You firstly said you were 'reasonably happy' which implies that all is not rosy in the garden. What other issues are you facing or is it just about the money?
You also made this statement:
'Does that mean that i have to spend the rest of my life with him, supporting him and his children and looking after the house while he works away earning his future and i get nothing in return'
The short answer to that is no you don't have to spend the rest of your life with him and supporting him...if you arn't happy then you should leave.
In British law there is no 'common law wife' status anymore (a clause that states that a woman has a claim on a mans estate if she lives with him. If you combine your assets, you now have to make a statement about what you contributed personally and what you bought together so that if you part and there is grievance, you can prove what is yours and that is all you are entitled to when you part. It's a much fairer system.
Of course if the man chooses to be generous and incorporate you into him will then that is his concern but I do not think you should confuse it with his ability to love you or the measure of that love.
I agree with the other aunts that he is putting his children first and that is the right thing to do.
I own my own house and when I die the house is left to my two kids. If I met someone and we combined our funds, I would still leave my entire estate to my kids because I would assume that my partner would do the same with his estate (leave it to his family)
Things get very complicated when you go into second relationships where there are established family structures, but you have to be a grown up about it and accept that it's not a money making event.
You have only been with the man 4 years, it's hardly a lifetime and anything might happen in the future. It's way too soon to concern yourself with his extended financial arrangements and to make waves over such matters. If you persist he will see you as a gold digger.
You are on a very dodgy path so I would tread very carefully from now on and just enjoy being in love and making your relationship stronger. You are an outsider in this matter and that is exactly where you should be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): OP..Thankyou for your replies but i think i may have been misunderstood . I am working and contribute to half the household costs although the house is in his name. If we buy a house together, then he says i have to sell my house and put the proceeds towards the new house therfor, i would not have this to fall back on. I am in no way looking for a handout from him but it would be nice to know that i would have a roof over my head should anything happen to him. At the moment i know this wouldn't be the case. We go 50/50 on everything even though he earns 6 times what i earn. We are meant to be a couple and i feel like a lodger and that is how he treats me. yes, i agree that he should leave his will to the children but trust me, they will be set up life. i just thought he might want to make sure i would be ok if anything happened to him seeing as i have given up a lot to be with him and the children. he will never marry me and that is fine because i do not want half his estate as i have said, i will be spending half my life with this man so why wouldn't he want to make sure i would be ok should something happen to him first. talk about romance is dead!! its all about business. [Mod note: last paragraph was in all caps, changed to lower case]
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (29 February 2012):
 As your update indicates, he has no intention of getting married to you, so you will always be the "girlfriend" hence your chances of being included in his will are slim to nonexistent. Did you know that he never intended to marry you before you moved in with him? Are you OK with that?Look, you moved to his location to be with him and uprooted your life and what does he do? He takes a job that takes him away for the week because it pays well. You practically moved there for nothing. What I don't understand is why you're upset over not purchasing property together. "His reply was that if we buy a house together we would sign an agreement that i only get back what i put in to start with"With that in mind, why on earth would you even want to buy a house with him? If he already owns the house you two currently live in and he's making good money with this new job, why would you put money into a house that won't be even yours? Why are you even considering selling your property at this point? Honestly, I think it's best if you packed your bags and returned to YOUR house. This man is has no intention of taking care of you financially. You're already splitting everything 50-50. He has no interest in your financial future because you're never going to be his wife. It would be in your best interest to move on.
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reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (29 February 2012):
 He has a right to dispose of his assets as per his wishes and his children are the priority for him, which is also, to some extent udnerstandable. My lawyers (well, my father's basically) always told me that placing money in a trust is a better way to look after one's children, but that's a different story I guess. So while I understand your being hurt, its something you don't have much of a say in. However if you intend to get married in the future you should definitely ask him to re-look at the Will.
In any case, I'd advise against disposing of the house (and certainly not in this market) at the moment if that is your primary source of income.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): I understand you being upset, but you are his girlfriend, not his wife. If you wanted to be a permanent fixture in his life and have a claim to his assets, getting married before you gave up everything would have been the smart way to go. It's like I told my boyfriend after the upteenth time he'd asked me to move in with him, not before I'm engaged or married. A couple of months later he proposed with a ring. We are moving in less than a month before the wedding. The point is...men don't change a thing once they're comfortable and unless it's their decision. The best decision you'll ever make is to not give so much until they do. Go back home and reclaim your life. Tell him you love him and want to be with him permanently but you have to let him go if he won't do the same. If he lets you go you'll know he would never have given you forever anyway.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 February 2012):
 You would be SMART to extricate yourself from this "relationship".... taking with you any real cast/money/equity that you contributed.... and chalk this whole thing up to a "relationship" gone wrong. It's clear that this guy has no cares about seeing to it that what goes on between the two of you has any sort of "fair and reasonable" in it.....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): OP. Thankyou for your replies. DEAGAN, He has made it clear that he doesn't want to get married so i will never be his wife. If he wants to leave his estate to his children then so be it. Does that mean that i have to spend the rest of my life with him, supporting him and his children and looking after the house while he works away earning his future and i get nothing in return because i'm only the live in girlfriend? Hope you can see my point x
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I think the person who said his kids are the only thing that matter to him is right. He is obviously upset that his father is leaving 25% to his partner, and he wants to make a show in his own will of doing what he thinks his father should do. None of this, of course, is very helpful or kind to you, but I think / hope you can see where he is coming from. Presumably he wouldn't expect you to leave any of your assets to him, but rather to leave them to you two children. Four years isn't really very long in relationship terms, and he has assets which he has spent years working on. He, understandably, would see these as going to his children.I think the problem is that you have a lot less than him. You have a little equity, and by the sounds of it, no income apart from the rent from the house.? So not working? I do think it would be a bit much to expect him to leave you anything substantial at this point in time. I think he is probably also thinking of how his children would feel. How would yours feel if you told them that after 4 years with this man, for example 50% of your assets would go to him, and the rest be theirs? I think they would be upset. I'm sure he cares about you, but his children come first. And not fair to bring his dad and his dad's girlfriend into it, because your guy isn't with them - he doesn't agree with his dad's will. Your guy is just focused on his children. I honestly think that you shouldn't equate his 'love' for you with him giving you money. I don't think that's a good way to go.I just arranged life insurance for my partner today, and any payout would be allocated equally between his three children. I can honestly say that not for one second did I even consider that any should go to me (only thinking about it now when thinking about your situation). Similarly, with my assets should anything happen to me - I have not allocated any to him. I love him to bits, but he would be able to fend for himself - my children wouldn't, and vice versa. We all look after our children first. I think that's ok. I don't think you should be cross with someone for not giving you a hand-out. That doesn't feel quite right.
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reader, Deagan +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I don't know how I can explain this with out being offensive, but he's at the age where he's been divorced and to him, the only thing that is permanent is his kids. I think divorce can really shake your foundations, and I'm sure he loves you very much, but he is focusing on the more permanent aspects of his life, his kids. He will always have his kids. This situation might change if you do become a married couple. Society has placed certain rules and stigmas- society deems it improper and society will judge you if you leave money for "the other woman." You leave money to your wife and kids.
I can understand being upset and you're not overreacting, but you have to be realistic about it. Wills can always be changed, so think about that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I would be upset too. I would think twice about giving your home up completely.
Perhaps you should get some legal advice on what happens if you were to sell your house and move in together or get married in the future too. Have you made a will for your children too?
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reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (28 February 2012):
 HI
I think I would be upset about this too. However its only been four years, so things may change. He may be just testing your reaction towards it. Seeing if your more interested in his will or him. I know that isn't the right way to go about it , but it could be just that. If I have been with someone for the amount of time you have been together If im honest I would probably leave all my estate to my children too, however If I were to be married in a long lasting marriage I would leave my husband 30% and split the rest with my children. I think that would be fair, giving the fact that the children are mine from previous , and are my flesh and blood.
Mandy x
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