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I feel like a third wheel in my own relationship! Any advice?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Long distance, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hello aunts and uncles,

Me and my bf of a while now have usually been quite close with each other... Even though the majority of our relationship has been long distance, we've tried to keep each other happy and made sure to spend enough time together as well.

My "problem" is that for a while now, I've been noticing him spending a lot of time texting and calling my best friend (he's still living in a different country and my best friend lives near me). Its not that I mind at all, but the thing is, I feel as if he is confiding in het more than he's ever told me. Recently, she asked me if he was ok because he told her he was having some issues with a friend of his. This took me as a surprise because I knew the friend in question and also because when I asked him if anything was wrong he didn't tell me anything.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened - throughout the past two months the two have been getting closer and closer, and I really do feel left out because as much as I try to make time in my hectic schedule, everytime I text him or see if he's free enough to call he will always reply ad being "busy" - but then the next minute my friend texts me saying how my boyfriend was saying this and doing that and that they were calling each other at that moment.

It's not that I don't trust them, they know the most about me and my situation than anyone else in the world, but I feel like a third wheel in my own relationship... As if I'm the one supporting my friend and boyfriend while they are having fun and I'm stuck feeling left out and lonely.

I have asked my friend about it once, way back actually. I told her that this is how I felt but she replied saying that it was perfectly natural and that there was no way anything was going on (not that I suspect them either because again, I fully trust the two) but I really do feel hurt and left out and, a lot of the time, lonely.

Now I realise many people may think "get a hibby2" and of course I have one. I am quite busy and I definitely have a lot going on to keep me busy, which is why I tend to find a moments worth of peace with my boyfriend whenever we both manage to actually talk... Well, without my beat friend interrupting that is.

I don't know if I'm jealous, or id it is right or wrong for me to feel this way about two of the most important people in my life, but I would like advice, any that can be offered I will take.

Thank you for taking the time to read this... I really appreciate it

View related questions: best friend, jealous, long distance, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly I think you need to take a closer look at these two, it is not normal. Your boyfriend is telling you he is busy yet on the phone to your friend? That tells me he would rather talk to her than you. Also your friend sounds like she is almost rubbing it in your face that she has been in contact with him. It is time you stood up for yourself and told them both how you feel. They are both treating you badly here.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017):

Wtf just reading this makes me upset - your boyfriend is not a boyfriend, he's deluding himself and so is your friend. get out of this situation and find people who really care for you.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (18 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThere are no two ways about it, that girl isn't your friend, and as for your boyfriend telling you he is too busy to talk or text with you but he has heaps of time to be communicating with her ... what a load of codswallop!

Prepare yourself for some heart ache because sometime soon you will find that you are an ex girlfriend and your (non) friend will have replaced you with him.

It will hurt, you are being betrayed on two fronts, we should be able to trust our boyfriends and friends but yours are showing themselves as the rat finks they are.

How you chose to deal with it is your choice, personally I would just retreat for a few weeks, and if either approach you give it to them, both barrels!

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A female reader, angelvoice United Kingdom +, writes (18 March 2017):

angelvoice agony auntDear Friend,

I can empathize totally with your situation. Specially if we are emotional types who love to be close to our partner and share our lives as much as we possibly can. It is even harder if we happen to be particularly possessive in nature!

We want to be always Number One in our other half's life, even when it comes to sharing information and advice.

Firstly, can I share a little experience I had, in the hope that it will help you feel you're not by any means the only one. I moved into a house owned by a handsome but cold man, who still made me pay my rent! I of course embarked on a 'relationship' - little more than a once a week meeting even though we were in the same house. I of course thought of it almost as a marriage! Eventually a young man moved into one of the other rented rooms. The two men formed a very close relationship and when my boyfriend went on holiday, he called the other man first to say he'd arrived! I was present when the call came through!

On a positive note to this, I think as number one partner we always occupy a very special and treasured place in his heart. There may well be things that he feels aren't romantic enough to discuss with you. Many people have platonic, non-sexual friendships, just like having a brother or sister.

My opinion on this is that I think you can have 100% trust that there is absolutely nothing sexual going on between your partner and your mutual friend.

Think that he is saving the special phone calls and special topics for you only....

I hope this helps you.

Take heart from this,

With all the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2017):

OP- are you saying there have been times that he has told you he's busy, when he's actually been in contact with her at that point? If this is the case then you have plenty to worry about....

If he's time to talk or communicate with your best friend so much, he's defo got time to do so with you. He's choosing not to, he's rather chat with her.

None of this is ok, you feel like a third wheel because I'm afraid that is what you are- I would say he definitely is attracted to her and can't be so blatant as to come out with it to her, as she is your bestie and he likely knows she's blow him off. She may be is not seeing it etc and she's chatting away to you like he's just being friendly, not realising he hasn't shared the half of it with you or said he's busy when you've contacted him, she sounds like she should have the benefit of the doubt.

But there is a growing emotional connection, and the attraction to me is a dangerous one. This isn't ok or normal and I'd call him out on it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2017):

Advice ..get a new bf and new friend .

No this is not normal .. what a load of crock . Next time he texts say but busy I get back to you later ..

Tell your friend yea that fine you talk to him all you like as I'm done .. he is buttering her up and she is loving it ..

Stop deluding yourself this is nothing about getting a new hobby .. he is emotionally cheating .. your so called friend is lapping it up ..

Friends especially girls have a code it's called not stepping on your friends toes . So no I wouldn't be willy nilly texting my friends bf or letting him confide in me then tell his gf just to see what she would say . I would be pleasant and say Oo I think you need to tell his gf and be general not intimate conversations of how he's doing etc .

Let him go .. move on from your friend . Let the two of them get on with it . And have you posted before about this ?? As no matter how many times you ask the answer the same .. no this isn't normal !!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2017):

It is not "perfectly natural", as your best friend says, for your boyfriend to be texting and calling her more than he does you. There is definitely a problem if every time you text your boyfriend and ask if he has time to call you he says he's busy, but then makes time to call your best friend. You need to have a very serious talk with both of them and make your feelings and concerns known. Be firm and do not back off on this. Good luck.

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