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I want to be her friend and be there for her, but I don't want to be a problem for her and her new boyfriend if she still has any feelings. Advice?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Friends, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 March 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Dear friends

This may take some time to explain, so thanks in advance.

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend last august, but i had wanted to end the relationship since the previous february. In total we were together for about 1 year and 3 months. She was a very sweet girl and she loved me dearly, but she had a lot of baggage from previous relationships and had developed mental illness.

This meant she was very demanding and expected more than i could reasonably give (in terms of time) as i had to work and we live with a time difference. A good example of this is when i was in hospital with quinsy she sent me a message saying how down she was that i didn't talk to her more these days. which made me feel terrible.

She was a very nice girl but due to her insecurities she would manipulate me in these ways and my life became unhappy. I finally broke up with her telling her i couldn't live like that anymore and i was too stressed. I myself had developed anxiety disorder and was scared to be away from my phone in case she got upset if i didn't reply quickly. I even declined a promotion because i was worried i may have more hours. It got worse when instead of making me feel guilty she started to be grumpy with me.

I said yes to her when she asked me to be her boyfriend partly because i felt sorry for her and wanted to help her, and i knew how much she liked me so i hoped in time i could love her, but it just wasn't meant to be but I did really try and i did care for her very much but more in a family type of way. I loved her, but i wasn't "in love" with her if you know what i mean.

Anyway, so when i broke up with her, she was devastated and told me she felt like a "ghost" of herself for many months. I could see she lost a lot of weight and i felt awful. I tried to help her as much as i could but i could see her getting her hopes up again so had to find the right balance.

Recently, she seemed a lot better and today she told me she has a new boyfriend. she said that she hoped i wouldn't be upset and hopes we can always be good friends. She thanked me and told me that i helped her grow so much and taught her so much, and she would always be glad for what i did for her.

I feel very happy for her and relieved if she is finally happy.

I want to be her friend and be there for her, but i don't want to be a problem for her and her new boyfriend if she still has any feelings. She said she wants to be close friends, but i just wondered if anyone has any advice? i don't want to ruin things for her and i genuinely from the bottom of my heart want her to be happy.

View related questions: broke up, ex girlfriend, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly I think the best outcome for you both would be if you just ended all contact. I get you love her and want her to be happy. But you two where never friends you where more than that. She wants you to remain close in case anything happens with the new guy so she has back up. As you said yourself she has issues and you developed issues from being with her. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to end all contact and wish her well.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (18 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI don't get why people want to remain "close friends" with people they have broken up with ... and I believe HoneyPie is correct when she says your ex girlfriend wants you hanging around just in case the new guy doesn't work out.

My advise is to run while she is distracted, remove yourself from her sphere of influence, just look at how she made your life worse when she was manipulating you into acting against your own best interests.

So now is your chance to remove her destructive presence from your life, so quick, get busy, network and make new friends, join some groups, get a hobby or sign up for some short courses so that when she comes back (I have a sneaking suspicion she will) you can be honest and tell her you are too busy for much more than a coffee, maybe, three weeks down the track. She will then go and find a new victim.

She is not good for you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly, OP

You sound like a decent fella and one that got VERY lucky that you grew a set and ended it with her.

I feel like she wants you as her "close" friend in case the other guy doesn't work out, but also so she can STILL have you to "cling" to so she doesn't seem TOO needy with her BF. If you get what I mean?

I think you should WISH her all happiness and either CUT her off or slowly let it run out. YOU need to live YOUR life. You need to get back on track with who you are and where you want to be in life and in a career.

You helped her grow, but what did she do for you? Seems like she made YOUR life a LOT harder for a while. WHY keep her in your life? No matter how sweet or how great it feels that she still NEEDS you... Let her go.

And by golly OP, LEARN from that dysfunctional relationship to NOT date someone out of "pity" and to NOT let someone yank you around like she did. I know in hindsight it's EASY to say:" MAN I should have gone for that promotion and told her where to stick it", but you didn't. And you HAVE to figure out how to NOT go down THAT path again.

Never date someone that you aren't totally nuts for!

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