A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. The first year was amazing . We got along really well. Both of us have children .My children are a lot younger than his. My youngest is four. My boyfriends kids are having a hard time with me and my children. So we have never had a dinner together or a movie night as a family. ItMy boyfriend doesn’t do anything as a family with my kids. We usually spend Friday nights together, but recently, he told me that he would like us to be alone rather than spend time at my house with the kids interrupting us. It bothers me. The next issue here is I’m an active woman. I’m in kickboxing and weight training so I’m busy with full time job , my activity’s and my daughters in English riding. My boyfriend gets angry with me because he feels he is in a time slot. I feel that because we don’t make an effort to have family time as a whole. That doesn’t help. Both of us have trust and jeliousy issues. Mine was brought on because he told me he found another woman attractive 3 times. It happened to be one of his daughters moms friends. He took her daughter on a trip. The attractive mom offered to drive them to the airport. I feel that I’m his girlfriend and that I should be the one sending him off. I got jelious and very upset. Mostly I was upset because, he doesn’t like me talking to my ex, or an old male friend that I’ve known for 30 years. He got really upset at me for talking to someone that I used to work with over a health issue. He puts me down when I try to defend myself, he tells me that I have all the answers and that I win. I feel like it’s time to let go but my heart will be broken
View related questions:
my ex, puts me down Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 March 2018):
 Thanks for the update .... oh boy, he really does like to have things his own way doesn't he?
That thing with only one of your children at a time when his 17 year old is attending, ahhh nahh! That's weird.
Then he complains about being slotted in but when you have time to do something he's too busy to slot you in, nope, don't like his double standards there.
Getting jealous when you talk to the father of your child? Has he elaborated on what he would prefer you to do if you need to communicated with the ex? Smoke signals perhaps, or go through a lawyer or a third party? Him maybe? His expectation here is unrealistic.
I don't like people being late either, but this dude again has double standards, one rule for him and a different one for you!
And name calling, nope, not on!
I really don't think you and this gentleman are a good match, there is no respect from him for your role as a mother and full time worker, you need a partner, he is looking for who knows what .... I don't think the woman he is looking for exists, unless he finds her in the door mat aisle of the local home goods store.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 March 2018):
 A 17 year old can't handle 2 younger kids? Seriously?
I don't know what to say. I think for HIM to make the choice that you can only bring ONE of your TWO children when HIS ALMOST grown kid is around it's just bizarre. And as a mother with 3 kids (well, teenagers) I would be SO put off if I was faced with that from someone I was dating, for me.. that WOULD be a deal-breaker - whether it is for you is for you to decide.
As for being late.. well, I'm a stickler for people being on time. Especially to a movie. And with all the tech (cell phones) it's NOT hard to shoot a text saying I'm running late.
But again, seems like he has a certain double standard that HE can do things, but you can't.
The whole not talking about an ex... well, I sort of get it. No ones wants to hear about the person they "replaced" - most would feel they were being compared. I'd be OK with NOT talking about the exes AS long as the same rule applies for him. However, I think in MOST grown relationship exes DO pop up in conversation every now and then, especially if there are kids involved.
Him calling you names... Total deal-breaker for meas well. In the 20+ years I have known my husband he had NEVER called me names no matter how FRUSTRATED he was with me. And vice verse. It's just not acceptable.
I think you have seen the writing on the wall but are unsure if you REALLY want to end it or not. Head versus Heart.
Only you can know if this man adds to your life and that of your kids or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (18 March 2018):
 Make the break sooner rather than later - this doesn't sound like it's working for any of you. I believe the relief you'll feel once it's over, will outweigh any sense of a broken heart. Your children should be your first priority, any other relationships should enhance your's and their lives, and that's just not happening.
Take care xx
...............................
A
female
reader, 123Mommy +, writes (18 March 2018):
Hi it’s me again. Thank you very much so far. To answer your question yes my boyfriend does not like me communicating with the father of my child. The other answer to your question is , no my kids are not little brats. The reason why he doesn’t want mine to be too close is because he doesn’t want his kids to feel like he has a new family. If we were to go out for lunch, it’s one kid at a time on my end, so that his 17 year old doesn’t feel overwhelmed. I’ve never met the 19 year old but she has caused many problems in the past . The last big blow out we had, he called me a few names and It feels like I am losing my confidents and I get stressed out more. I do try and put in extra time with him when I have it but then he says he’s too busy he’s gone to movie by himself and that is puzzling to me. I really try hard to stay together. On Tuesday nights we go to alph together. I was ten minutes late meeting him and he got really mad at me . He told me that he was about to leave on me. But the Tuesday before that, he was late. I don’t get it
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 March 2018):
Honestly, OP...
I think you know this guy isn't right for you. If he doesn't WANT to spend time around your kids then HE isn't for you. You and YOUR kids are a package-deal. And For him to not want to spend time with them AFFECTS your kids in a negative way. Because they will think HE doesn't like them and when you spend time with him without them, maybe MOM doesn't like us around either!
This is important! Your kids should be the #1 priority. While I DO think it's good to SLOWLY introduce kids to a new partner (after a GOOD 9 months or so) I don't think a new partner has ANY right to "isolate" your kids like that. Nope.
Let's talk about his demands. You can't talk about men but he can point but how ATTRACTIVE other women are. What a ridiculous double standard. To me that is not only CHILDISH, but it's controlling and not done with good intentions. Some of what you mention seems more like miscommunication than actual mean behavior.
Does he also want you to give up to work-out so HE can see you more? If so, no no no no no - If the kickboxing and weight training makes YOU feel good about yourself, mentally and physically then YOU keep at it.
YOU need to accept that DATING is a "trial period" where you get to know another person and see how well you can mesh with that person and his/her family/friends/work and hobbies. It seem you can't mesh with this guy with YOUR family (kids) nor with your hobby.
I DO agree with Youcannotbeserious (and your BF) that having some one-on-one dates are important. I just don't know EXCLUDING your children EVERY Friday for him. Again, you and YOUR kids are a package deal. I will tell you this, in over 20 years of marriage my husband and I have had maybe 1 one-on-one DATE night a year (if that) because for US out kids are part of who we are. We do spend time together now that the kids are older doing things, but in general we DO not NEED to go out to dinner and leave them at home. Our kids are INCLUDED in everything that THEY want to do.
I also think you need to work on the insecurity issues you feel you have. I think HE is CHOOSING to push YOUR buttons because of his OWN insecurities - which becomes this messed up merry-go-round of pointless HURTING each other.
A partner should ADD good things to your life. He should enrich yours and you his. Of course there will be some ups and downs but over all, you should BOTH want to spend time with each other, and look forward to seeing each other.
One last things OP - I have a question for you. Is there a reason he doesn't want your kids around his? Are yours - well... not so well-behaved? Acting bratty? Spoiled? If so, TAKE that critique to heart and look at their behavior out in public and at home and work on correcting unruly behavior. Of course a 4 year old will not be a perfectly good child 24/7 (a 15 year old won't either) but sometimes we are a little blinded to our own kids behaviors.
I agree with Aunty BimBim - you seem to not be on the same page for what you want OUT of the relationship and you don't seem to be a great fit over all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (18 March 2018):
With all your commitments it is understandable your boyfriend feels like he is in a time slot, especially if you don't make time where it is just the two of you with no kids.
HOWEVER .... if both of you are planning on this being a long term relationship then he really should be putting in some serious work to make sure his kids sensitivities are acknowledged and that you are ALL working together towards a common goal of a healthy nurturing blended family.
To be honest, from what you have written, it doesn't sound like the pair of you have common goals here, it sounds like he wants a girlfriend he can take on dates and you want a partner on a more full time basis.
I also feel his jealousy of a friend of long standing and your talking to your ex are red flags not to be ignored. I'm assuming here the ex is the father of your children, you haven't made that clear.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): I don't see it as time to break up. However, I see it as time to sit down and work out a schedule that will work for the both of you. It's difficult to have a young child, a full time job, and try to date at the same time. You need to allot time for your boyfriend, he can't feel as if he is second best. He also has to compromise and understand that you have a full time job and a young child you need to care for. Something that might work is meeting up for lunch several times a week while your child is in school. Get a nanny on the weekend so you and your boyfriend can go on a date. He will also need to work on planning a family meal together once in a while.
As for the jealousy parts, I think it's all about getting to know each other and understanding each other. In time these issues will pass. Issues will always arise, talk about them openly, learn to trust and understand your partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (18 March 2018):
 You have a clear choice here: break your heart in one swift swoop and start healing, or break it bit by bit, until there is nothing left to break.
Given the type of woman you appear to be, I really don't think the heartbreak will be that serious. You will realize it just wasn't meant to be. Your relationship was great during the honeymoon period, but it's easy to brush things aside at first and to concentrate solely on each other.
You could, of course, try to mend the fractures in the relationship but that would require serious work and effort from both of you. Would you both be prepared to try that? Then you have your children to take into consideration too.
Your boyfriend does have a valid point in that you SHOULD be spending SOME time just as a couple. A child minder needs to be booked and you would both benefit from a few hours away from parental duties. However, there are more problems in your relationship and I think you really need to sit down together, without any children disrupting you, and decide whether this relationship has run its course.
...............................
|
