A
male
age
36-40,
*oul832016
writes:She is 36 weeks pregnant. I've been night shift all week and sleeping during the day. I have university 2 days per week and I will go straight from work to a half day of uni. Return home about 4pm and sleep until 10pm then go to work. I'm full time night shift with 4 days off in a rotation. Today I had come off night shift and spent the morning shopping and cleaning the fridge before coming to bed to sleep. I forgot to set the alarm and slept until 11pm! My wife woke me up coming hone from work and asked me to clean up. I made a mistake of talking about her mother as messy after she complained about our house...next thing she was working herself up. I tried to apologise but she wouldn't listen and kept confronting me repeatedly with the same question over and over. Next thing she started smashing bowls. I went to the other room. I was shaken up. I waited for her to calm down. Things were sort of ok. She explained that her friend's home is spotless and she wants that for our home...I held my tongue but I was thinking she shouldn't be surprised because she never cleans the home. I try where I can in between work and study. We can't afford a cleaner. She leaves dirty dishes on the table after eating and never washes up. Her mother tries to wash up but uses cold water and her fingers. Puts wet dirty plates in the cupboard. Leaves water pooling behind the sink to cause the sealant to go mouldy. Kitchen floor swept with a mop and dirt pile pushed to the corner....Her mother lives with us to help cook for my wife. Because my wife won't cook and needs proper nutrition for the baby. Also she will help look after the baby after my wife goes back to work. Somehow it's all my fault. I think my wife is starting to realise how messy our home is. But I cannot manage it all on my own. By the time I clean the kitchen everyday, I run out of time for the rest of the house. It's only a small 2 bedroom apartment.Mother in law uses a broom to clean the carpet...she doesn't like the vacuum cleaner. I try not to look at our messy home. I'm guilty of putting books all over my study desk. Our walls are damaged from her using sticky tape to put up posters that she later took down. I don't have a spare week off work and study to pull everything out and repaint the apartment. It's only 18 months old but looks like 5+ years old already.I'm ashamed of our home and refuse to invite anyone over. Mother in law uses the outdoor balcony (we live on a ground floor) and she makes a big mess with her greasy cooking. Last year she cooked in the home and put thick sticky grease everywhere. I had to throw away some things and scrub others for days...I then took too long for her liking when I went for a shower. It was 4:30am by the time we finished cleaning up. I got told a couple of times to f...off. I am starting to think that it's weird that she misses me and can't sleep when I'm on night shift but as soon as I'm hone again, she just wants to fight. I can't speak my mind around her. I have to be careful what I say.I used to think a while ago that if I had my own apartment, I could rely on it being kept clean because I wouldn't leave it messy. No one would live in it and it would stay clean! Plus I wouldn't smash walls, plates, tiles etc or leave food lying around. I wouldn't leave water pooling around, use scorers to scratch new pans etc. I might actually be able to enjoy keeping my things new! I already resolved to buy second hand from now on because everything gets damaged.I am a calm and easy going person. I hate violence which is why I get shaken up when my wife lets her anger go out of control. I keep a diary of her damage and her swearing. Sometimes photos of the damage in case I need to apply for custody after our son is born. I don't want him to witness this.I also think that maybe I'm better off not here if she cannot control the anger and would rather swear at me than try to show acts of patience and love. Dominating and yelling at me just makes me retreat into my own world and concentrate on work and study. I don't want to live a disconnected life. But in reality we don't have much to talk about in common. She only likes to think about property and money.I like many things. I love having discussions about world affairs, politics, history, science, science fiction, the plight of humanity, the latest movies, books, arts etc. I keep up with the latest movies and Netflix shows, watch the world news, read articles online, follow tech trends and I am subscribed to YouTube artists that travel, talk about Asian culture and I like watching the ones who are creative with their film techniques.I study nursing and I've investigated doing an Amazon Business or starting my own restaurant review guide. Late last year I was exploring those cool office space concepts where entrepreneurs start their own businesses by renting the space. Think Watso etc. But I don't have the time at the moment to dedicate beyond my studies. I'm waiting a couple of years until I graduate and I'm working full time with more time on my hands. Yes nurses are busy but I will have more time without the classes etc.The biggest frustration for my wife is the fact that she can't be rich and have an easy life. We both have to work hard to have the basics and she has earned a lot of money through her real estate job but invested the lot back into property. Borrowed a lot of money from a Chinese family and now must repay them with interest.I have a decent job with alright money. It could be better but it's stable and it's in the government system. Eventually I can gain employment as a nurse. I have positioned myself well. But in the meantime I need a lot of help from my wife to pay the extra bills, hospital expenses for the birth etc. I even need her help now to buy the last items for the baby including the baby seat for the car and the stroller.I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I spoke about getting a second job but that might mean sacrificing the study and putting my night shift role at risk from being over tired. My wife discouraged that and would prefer me to just work my current job and complete my studies. But the studies will take another 3 years after this. 7 years total part time study including time off previously.Dealing with my wife's anger is the first priority. I've learned that there are trigger things for her. She can't handle any form of criticism of her family and cannot handle complaints about others. So I have to hold my thoughts about others from now on. Just think what I want but not voice my opinion in front of her.I honestly wish that I had more money to have a better life such as being able to travel to escape the home. To escape the messy mother in law and angry wife. She hates Japan but I am fascinated by that country. I would love to spend a month or two just touring all around that country. If I could, I would live there for the short term. So that's my goal to save enough to stay there for a couple of months and travel all around.Speaking of my son, my wife is already drawing the battle lines about how her family is going to help more than mine. That's obvious because my mother is very unwell and has a lot of problems with her wrist. She will try to help but it's hard with one hand. Mother in law will live with us and I'm hoping she doesn't harm our baby with her old practices. She does things like leaving meat out all day and reusing old pots that are still dirty. I've gotten a bad stomach from her cooking so won't eat it anymore.It's very hard at times for me. Akin to suffering as I watch my apartment getting wrecked and made dirty. Then she leaves to China and my wife and I are left fighting over the state of the home.Since my wife can't take criticism of the family, I have to listen to her criticising me and calling me messy... Like it's my fault that her mother makes a mess!My other worry is that we already had a massive fight about naming the baby. She wants to choose a name from the bible. I did choose a name from the bible and explained that it sounds great, the middle name represents his Chinese heritage and together the name sounds like a doctor or a star. She said that was too low for her liking and she wanted a name from the bible that represents greatness. Alexander does represent that! She started to say she will get the priest to choose an auspicious name because my choices are s***t. And said that my family name is cursed because I've had some medical problems and my family has as well. Well actually her family are getting older and have problems as well. That's just life. So my major concern is about making sure my son carries my family name and that I have some kind of input on his name. In fact, I don't know what to do if I don't get that opportunity.Before she mentioned that, I was really looking forward to seeing my son and bonding with him. But I feel like she has left me feeling a little distant now. Like I'm not going to have any say over his name or how he is brought up so what point is it to bond with him? Of course I will look after him. I see myself as the protector of him. The one that will educate him properly and save him from our home if my wife becomes violent or starts swearing in front of him.I would rather be a single dad raising my child than having my child subjected to any kind of abuse.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 July 2018):
 OP, we're here to support you, but this is an advice site. You don't want advice. You need to either get a divorce and fight for custody or seek a professional therapist to vent to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2018): Sir, what exactly is the purpose of your post(s)? You complain about how awful your wife is, but you've been married to her for 10 years. According to your post, it's been terrible the whole time. She goes to church, but she's a terrible person.
Exactly why does she go to church, and what purpose does it serve in her life?
Get a divorce and fight for custody of the child. Are you actually seeking advice with the intent to use it; or simply venting your frustrations with marriage?
Reading the second post may be an indication you just needed a place to vent your feelings. It doesn't seem you even read the advice you were given.
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A
male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (30 June 2018):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the question3 months after the birth, she now has been charged with an AVO. Every year for the past 7 years she has gone back to China alone. Says she needs a break from me. She chooses times that I cannot come with her.This time she wants to go for 2 weeks and travel into Europe with her girlfriend. 9 years ago she promised we would travel together. After almost a decade, I've lost hope in seeing the world with her. My best chance is to save up and see the world myself. But my son comes first at the moment.I tried to talk to her about taking our son to China to see her family and she said no way. I have no idea why she won't be seen in China with me. No idea what is back there.I have told her again that I feel left out, like she purposely excludes me because she must find it hard to live more than 12 months at a time with me etc.We had talked about going to Tibet and Xinjiang 2 years ago. I'm willing to bet she will go there on purpose now. And once she goes somewhere, she says she doesn't want to go again. So that becomes one less place we can visit one day...Right now I think our relationship will always consist of existing for 11 months in an apartment followed by 1 month apart as she travels and I stay here to keep working for years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2018): Honestly, things will get more stressful once the baby comes. And with a messy person in the houses it's going to be extremely difficult. Trust me I know. And I don't think you really like being married to her. She's abusive and is mentally exhausting to you. You have the proof, fight for custody. She's abusive and will not provide a stable environment whatsoever for a child to grow up I. And with a mother in law like that? The childs health will definitely be affected. Has she been like this to you before the pregnancy? You should be happy. Your life is extremely chaotic and having an abusive wife will not help. Leave. Fight for custody. Keep your son safe from her
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A
male
reader, justmyownself  +, writes (22 March 2018):
Dear Sir,
What a woman goes through during pregnancy is not something you and i will ever get to experience.
There are so many changes her body is going through and that coupled with her inability to get u and do things the way she used to would frustrate her. Hang in there buddy. Its worth the wait. Don't lose your cool. Be nice to her, make her feel special. Her mood will have a huge impact on the baby in the womb.
Please don't walk away!
Ever wondered why its called "Labor Pain"? Look it up online. There is a lot a woman goes through to bring that baby into this world! What little you do for her will definitely ease the pain she goes through to get there!
Cheers!
Myownself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): Do you want to live like this forever? Time to leave.If you think your house is messy now just wait until that baby is born.You really have no idea of mess yet.Just leave and let her mom have her back.She needs her mom to cook for her she is in no way ready to be a mom.Just leave fight for custody so your baby can grow up in a normal home.Sounds like her mom spolied her as a kid and this is the result.Do you want this result for your kid? Just leave and get custody.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018):
This does not sound like a remotely healthy situation to bring a baby into.
It sounds like you and your wife did not know each other very well before getting married and deciding to have a baby. I wonder if you got married because your wife was pregnant? ie. out of necessity.
This marriage is not going to work and it could harm a developing baby and will definitely harm a growing child.
The issues are:
1. A very messy home
2. Bad communication between the two of you
3. You feeling dominated / hen pecked / like you have no voice or respect
4. Your wife being very messy and very volatile and not contributing to cleaning up
5. Your wife's mother having very poor hygiene standards (this is definitely a risk to the baby)
6.You holding down a job and studying at the same time
7. Your sleeping hours are anti-social ie. you work nights
8. Your wife possibly having a condition eg. Dyspraxia (although it is difficult to know if she does have this as we only have your descriptions, which may be biased) or possibly even a mental illness.
9. You lack assertiveness skills
10. Your mother is living with you and this is adding to the chaotic feel of the home.
11. The "threat" of your mother in law coming to live with you.
You don't mention whether this is an inter-racial marriage. If it is, that in itself could be causing further tension due to different customs and values etc.
Basically, you and your wife are totally incompatible. The reason she can't sleep when you are away is not love, but emotional dependency. Emotional dependency can be formed for even people who treat us badly - it's like an addiction and it usually happens when the dependent person has not learned to become self sufficient as a person in their own right.
Given how awful your mother in law's hygiene standards are, it may be an indication that she has not been a very effective mother in any sense - as well as not being able to cook and clean to normal standards, it seems like she has not had the emotional maturity to look after her daughter properly, causing her daughter to develop into a very insecure and very difficult person. This won't change easily, if at all.
Not only is this an awful situation to bring a baby into, but the risk is that someone or something is going to 'break'. Having a baby is absolutely exhausting and puts an incredible strain on even the best, healthiest of relationships. In this situation I think you will not be able to cope, because it seems so awful already.
The length of your post indicates you don't really have anyone in your life you feel you can talk to. I'd strongly suggest asking at your university to see a counsellor. Get as much help through the university as you can. You need someone to talk to.
Definitely you should be thinking along the lines of divorce. If you honestly feel the child would be better with you, then it would be best to wait, have the child and carry on documenting and collecting 'evidence' as you have to establish in court that you would be the better parent. Be aware, however, that your own behaviour in doing so, so early on before the pregnancy, might read as rather odd in itself; it's very unusual for someone to be behaving like this.The situation seems so bad that talking with your wife won't work. You two are just not compatible at all.
Another thing that worries me somewhat is that although you seem concerned about the situation, you do position yourself as the "innocent" one or the "martyr" in this situation. I've seen men do this before. It can be a result of them being too selfish and too stuck in their own ways and basically too weak as people, to be able to work things out with a partner and this drives the partner crazy. It may be that your wife repeating the same question over and over again is because you yourself are behaving in selfish ways that you don't mention here and it is driving her nuts. In other words, you are blaming her and her mother, but not you or your mother at all. Something isn't right about that either.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 March 2018):
OP, you're other post (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-wont-allow-me-to-choose-our.html) and this one show you need to leave your wife. You can stay miserable, but she is a volatile person and your baby is not safe with her.
Quite frankly, you knew she was like this, chose to marry her, then risked getting her pregnant. You are both to blame for the silly, borderline dangerous situation you're in now.
You need to start thinking like a father, not a husband who has time and money to spare on studying.
Your major concern is a name? FOR GOODNESS SAKE! She is ABUSIVE and you're still overreacting about his name! He will be yours, regardless of his name - for all you know, he'll grow up and change it himself.
"I would rather be a single dad raising my child than having my child subjected to any kind of abuse." Then start acting on it. Prepare to fight for custody, get evidence of her abusive behaviour and stop focusing so much on the boy's NAME!
The name you suggested was not specific to Chinese culture, so the reasoning behind it was weak. You need to get over that and focus on what is ACTUALLY IMPORTANT.
Do NOT turn this baby into a pawn. He is NOT your property that you can CLAIM with a first name or surname. You married an aggressive woman and got her pregnant. This is on you too, OP. Get a divorce, gather proof she isn't safe and get over the name debate!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): I get that you work and study lots ..I also did nursing and went to evening school to gain additional degrees to enhance my nursing level. However I still had a tidy house . You talk about watching Netflix and reading lots and keeping up with all that and yet your unhappy with the state of your home
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): You said a lot, but in a few lines you could have just said you want a divorce. You don't like being married. You don't like your wife or your mother-in-law.
She didn't suddenly turn into this person you've described over-night. She had to be who she is when you courted her and got engaged. So why did you marry her in the first place? Was she a perfect angel who suddenly transformed into a demon; and caught you completely by surprise?
Your question seems very familiar; or there is a another gentleman with exactly your same problem. His wife doesn't want him to name the baby, wants a priest to do it. She is also a very atrocious wife; she has fits of violence, with a terrible swearing problem. Exact same problems.
Your wife seems to have an anger-management problem and/or she may be mentally-ill. You seem to be building a case for your divorce and child-custody. See a lawyer for legal-advice.
Why did you get her pregnant when you have so many problems?
The other guy (if not you) said he thought the baby would change things. I don't know how he conceived that skewed-logic. Babies don't fix bad-marriages, they complicate them.
So what advice do you really need from us? From your description she needs an exorcism. You're building your legal-case for child-custody and a divorce.
Have you gotten counseling from the priest? She thinks he should be given the privilege to name the child. Maybe he can bring some peace into your household while he's at it.
Why does she seem so adamant about a biblical-name when her behavior is so ungodly? None of this makes any sense.
Maybe you should get some counseling through your church. You have to live and practice what you learn when you read a Bible and go to church. Why does she go? If you don't live it, don't bother!
If you are looking for advice to leave your wife while she's pregnant, I'm not offering it.
You got her pregnant; so you have to ride this out until the baby is born, and then decide what to do from there.
Fighting over the baby's name is nonsense. Let her name it, if it keeps the peace. Legally change it later, after you divorce her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): I have tried to read most of your very long post and to be honest I think you must be very unhappy and depressed to be compelled to sit and write predicament in such detail. I think no one deserves to be so unhappy and depressed in thier marriage, after all we only live once so why should we be so unhappy? I say the best course of action here is get divorce. I know it must be difficult to blurt it out that you want divorce but once you do it that is it. You start a new course and you just have to sit and agree on the details as best as possible taking into consideration the well being of the baby. You will not be the first or the last to revert to divorce to be out of an abusive situation. I suggest however to wait till the baby is born before you state your intention to divorce.
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