A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:He's 21, and i'm 20. We've been together for 10 months now, and we're serious and in love. However, we're having money issues that are putting a strain on our relationship..He has ADHD (not taking meds), is very irresponsible, and LOVES to spend money on unnecessary things. He's been working temp jobs due to not being able to find other work. He was fired from the last 2 due to skipping or being late. When I asked him what happened, he just said "well, I didn't want that job anyways, because they kept me in one spot all day." I'm trying to be understanding of his ADHD, but honestly, any job is a good job when you're in debt. Especially if they're paying you over minimum wage..He ended up moving 7 hours away from me and moving back in with his parents due to a job offer, asking me to pay off his loan debts (1,500). I'm working p/t minimum wage and I'm a full-time student. I don't feel like I should be left with this stress and burden, especially since I'm so young.. However, if I don't pay it off for him, his credit situation will become even worse, making it harder for us to lease an apartment together.He says he'll pay me back on the loans, but with his history, how can I ensure that? Also, how can I teach him to be more responsible with his money? I love him dearly, but I can't live my life this way. I'd like him to take some medication, but he doesn't want to, nor can we afford it.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 If he can’t pay off his loan debt where it counts, how is it possible; he’ll pay you back? It doesn’t work that way! He’ll just have more excuses not to pay you back! You’d be easy to fool, whereas the Collectors are not interested in delays and excuses!Plus having ADHD, not taking meds, skipping work and falling behind in your debt, do not stand up in a Loans Court as a good defence… They’ll want their money back ($1500) PLU$ INTERE$T! If you’re a legal couple (de-facto), in some cases they may come after you to pay off his debt!?If you continue with him, it’s likely he’ll be blacklisted from ever renting an apartment or borrowing money in the future due to his poor credit rating, so you’ll have to carry all the burden of debt forever and ever ‘in your name’ just so you can live together – happily ever after!?No doubt he’ll blame you, if you don’t come to his monetary rescue. It’s a lot to carry on such young shoulders as yours when you have your own responsibilities to take care of…I think it would be wise of you to take the advice already given by our Agony Aunts. Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 July 2013):
 DO NOT pay his debts, I cannot even believe he is asking you that!!!! You've been together 10 months, that is not even close to long enough for you to be helping him with his finances. Not to mention he has proven himself to be completely useless at taking on responsibility! Either he needs to learn to cope with his ADHD and sit still or he needs to take medication. He needs to learn to deal with his own finances before you can help, and the only way for him to learn is to do it on his own. Without a safety net, he will learn to support himself. Right now he is being lazy and trying to drag you down with him. Don't do it.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Do not take on his debts. How will he ever learn to take responsibility if you pay them off for him? He must work out a way that he will pay them off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): "However, if I don't pay it off for him, his credit situation will become even worse, making it harder for us to lease an apartment together."Why are you even considering shacking up with a guy who is financially irresponsible and can't hold a job? If you are foolish enough to lease an apartment together, then be prepared to cover all the expenses or YOUR credit will be affected when he can't pay his share."He says he'll pay me back on the loans, but with his history, how can I ensure that?"You can't."Also, how can I teach him to be more responsible with his money?"You can't, though refusing to pay his debts would demonstrate to him that you are not irresponsible with your money."I love him dearly, but I can't live my life this way."Then you have to make a choice, accept him as he is or move on. Otherwise you'll end up wasting your life waiting for him to magically change into the responsible person whom you want him to be because that won't happen.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Do NOT pay his debts, don't even THINK about it !
Since when ADHD is a good excuse for being a moocher ?!
And, you can't teach him to be more responsible, because you can't teach to those who have no desire to learn, and are not willing to make any effort to learn. Same for any other problem, it's the person with the problem that needs to get fed up with it and make steps toward change and resolution. In your case, - assuming that all his financial irresponsibility , lack of drive and flakyness are imputable to ADHD, of which we cannot be that sure - then why he is not at least taking his meds ?
...because his condition and the money troubles it causes bothers you, not him. All he's got to do is to ask you to fix his messes for him, - and you are tempted to do it ( although I do hope you'll be smarter than that ) ... otherwise it will be even more difficult and far in time for you too to live together. GOOOOOD, sayz I : why do you want to live with such a mess of a guy ? He needs to sort himself out before you can even consider something like that, and the best way for you to do it, is not playing his mummy / nanny / nurse . Let him sink or swim. Do not become an enabler, do not become codependent- and , hold on to your hard earned money !
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Do not, I repeat, do not pay his debts. They are not your responsibility. You have not even been dating for a year and already he is expecting you to take care of his finances?
No, no, no, no, no! DO NOT!
He created the debts, and he cannot blame his ADHD because HE CHOSE not to take his medication, HE CHOSE to run up debts, HE CHOSE not to take responsibility for his actions and now he expects you to pay them off??
Be strong, don't give in and for heaven's sake don't accept this responsibility ... its his debt to clear, not yours!
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