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I don't want my g/f to go to the same college as me. It will ruin me making new friends and having my independence

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 June 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years of my life. This september I hope to go to university to study law. My girlfriend wasn't planning to go to university until 2 days ago when she moaned at me for not wanting to be with her through university instead and we have fallen out about it previously.

Today, she has decided to tell me she wants to go to university now at the same university as myself.

A key reason for me wanting to go to university was so that I could gain independence and become my own person.

I really dont want her to go to the same university as me. I know that she has only picked it because it is where I want to go. I also dont want her to waste 50k + on university just because I want to go. She thinks, that at the age of 18, I should want to be getting married to her and moving in with her. Its ridiculous! If I say I dont agree she cries and moans at me.

I know if I go to university she will follow me everywhere and want to live together. This will stop me making friends and ruin my social life.

What should I do?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntEnd the relationship. If you love someone you would want to be with them. I can see at your age why you want your own independence but the only way for you to get that is to be SINGLE going to university. Time to talk to her and tell her what it is you want. Be honest with her, don't lead her on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2017):

I thought the key reason for University is to gain higher education?

That aside you appear to have a clingy yet nice GF somewhat aimlessly following your footsteps, who is loyal to you and wants to play house. Meanwhile unknown to her you have other ideas of making new friends and becoming your own man without her. I believe that is the case and point.

Yet I suggest if you’re going to study Law; start by not flapping about like you’re doing a horticultural course with her... because presently you’re planting seeds of hope when it appears you’re intentions are to sow your oats around the college campus.

If you don't see yourself as having the commitment or loyalty to her after 3 years as she has for you, then set her free.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (18 June 2017):

chigirl agony auntIt really sounds like you are trying to get away from her. So do it the proper way: break up! Trying to avoid the breakup conversation by running away to universitety without her? Thats cowardly. Do this properly by breaking up.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 June 2017):

There is a possibility she will change her mind based on your attitude. I think you should be kind to her, regardless of your intentions.

I think you also want the opportunity to date other girls! But you conveniently, or cleverly, left that out of your post. Otherwise, you wouldn't care if she attended the same school.

Maybe you're making a major-case out of this; and she's only testing you to see what your reaction will be. She might only want to prepare herself for the inevitable "after-high-school/off-to-college breakup."

She fears you're leaving her behind to be forgotten; while you meet all those pretty flirty college-girls. In her mind, those hot little tarts all after her boyfriend! I'm sure you've imagined the same fantasy, only in a different context from what she envisions!

You know most females in a long-term relationship; hold high regard for the longevity and consistency of their romantic relationships. The longer they last, the more likely it will lead to the next-step. Possibly marriage. She wants to knock any notion of just dumping and leaving her, out of your skull.

She's right on your heels, and you're not dissing her that easily! Give her a break, man! She gave you her heart.

Sooner or later you'll have to come clean and let her know you're moving on. Just keep in-mind that she'll also be making new friends, become more independent, and drawing attention from other guys. Does that scare you?!!

Excuse me?!! She wouldn't be wasting money if it is being invested in a higher education.

She's not a dummy. She knows you're trying to make a clean exit without drama or confrontation. You'll always be busy, use your studies as an excuse for not responding to her messages; and you'll always be out with your "friends!"

Man-up and breakup! Don't try and do it on the sly! You may as well come clean and tell her you're moving on, dude! Marriage is definitely not on the horizon anytime soon! So you better break that news as well!

She still has the right to choose any school she wants; provided she has the high school transcripts and the A-level scores she needs to qualify and meet the university entrance requirements.

Bottom-line, you can't tell her where to attend college!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think you are at a point in your life where it's OK to be selfish. UTTERLY selfish.

You will be out on your own, away from parents and "that" control, in a new place with new people, new experiences etc. So I TOTALLY get that you don't want HER to try and get you to settle down and be an adult couple.

The thing is you HAVE to consider if breaking up isn't really the best thing. She wants different things in life (right now) then you want. I think it's UTTERLY moronic to get married at 18-19.

So my advice? Break up. And CUT the contact - do NOT use her for someone to talk to or pretend "we can be friends" blah blah. No end it and CUT it off. She WILL be OK. You will be OK.

you want to be independent and live carefree then DO it and GIVE her the same choice.

What you want in a partner at 15 is NOT what you want at 20... or 25...

I lived WITH my BF though 4 of my 5 years in college and I have no regrets. We still had plenty of shared and separate friends, fun, travel etc. Sure I didn't sleep around like many of my single college friends did but I was OK with that, I still had my independence I just CHOSE to share it with him. (Oh, and living together was HIS idea, not mine - though If he had talked marriage at 19-20 I would have bolted...) WE made it work, unfortunately, we didn't last. I was very focused and he wasn't.

You can't tell her WHERE to go to school mind you but the likelihood she chooses the same one as you? might be a lot lower if you break up BEFORE starting school.

In short, you can't have your cake (freedom at YOUR uni) and eat it too (keeping your GF). Why? Because that is not what she wants. Which really only leaves breaking up.

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A male reader, devont United Kingdom +, writes (16 June 2017):

devont agony auntDo you want to end the relationship all together? If yes, just be honest with her and end it.

If no, still be honest, but be careful with you words. Be firm and say what you've said to us that you want to grow and be your own person, and there is no point in her wasting her money (and three plus years of her life) doing something she doesn't want to do. Make it clear to her that she shouldn't go to university JUST to be with you as you'll be very, very busy with your course (amongst other things...) and may not have time for her anyway.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt's her choice. You can't make her not go to the university of her choice.

If you want that much independence and don't want to be as serious as she does (I can understand; you're too young to get married and move in, in my opinion), you should break up with her now. You don't want the same things.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States +, writes (16 June 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntWhen I went to college, I broke up with my high school girlfriend for EXACTLY the reason that I was going to make new friends and I wasn't going to try to maintain a long distance relationship. Of course, that was in the early 1980s and there was no public internet or cell phones, and I didn't have a car to visit her and whatnot. Basically, it wasn't fair to her to try to keep it going, and it wasn't fair to me, so I broke up with her. I eventually met my wife at college, but, I do occasionally look back and feel bad that I had to break up with my high school girlfriend becuase she was a great girl that I could've easily married and been happy with. However, breaking up with her was the right decision and while I feel bad that I had to do that to her, I don't regret it at all. I will say that my high school girlfriend didn't deserve to be broken up with, and it had nothing to do with her, like I said, she was a fantastic girl and I loved her very much, but, in the end, I had to let her go even though it hurt her tremendously because it would have hurt both of us much more to try to keep it going. I also believe that keeping it going would've arrested both of our developments as adults.

So, in your case, you need to decide if she's really going to be in your future plans after you're done with school. If not, then it's not fair to her to keep it going, even if that's what she desperately wants. Also, you have to be prepared for the possibility that things won't go like you plan for making new friends. You can't go into this thinking that she's a fallback position. That's not fair to her either. If you break up with her, it's for good and forever, even if that means you wind up alone with no friends. The chances of that happening at school are pretty low, but the longer you stay at school, the more likely it becomes, especially once you're in graduate school and all of your undergrad friends have graduated and left.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

Denizen agony auntJust say no. You want to be independent, well be independent. Tell her that it is over between you. She won't want to go to your uni' then. If she does that is just plain stalking.

Give her a break and cut her lose so she can enjoy these magical years without someone who doesn't want her anymore.

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