A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not very assertive so would really like some advice on how I should have acted last night.My boyfriend and I went to a wedding reception last night. During the day, I was texting him about the arrangements, and he was only giving me one word answers if that.When I got to his house, it was clear he was in a bad mood, but when I asked him what was wrong, he snapped at me saying he was fine.He barely spoke to me in the car on the way there, but was really chatty with everyone else when we got there. So I figured it must be me he was annoyed at.I asked him once more what was bothering him and got a similar reaction, so I ended up spending the rest of the night feeling awkward and making small talk with people I hardly knew. I later found out he was annoyed at me because I told my friend we'd had an argument (no details, just that an argument had taken place - why he didn't just speak to me about it I don't know).The thing is, I was really close to leaving the wedding, but I felt like if I did that I'd be being rude and causing issues at someone else's wedding. We had an argument once at another of his friend's weddings just after we met, because he disappeared left me on my own, and I found him an hour later out the back rolling joints for others and so stoned he could barely stand. Now he says his friends think I'm a drama queen who starts arguments on nights out, so I felt I couldn't say anything.Would I have been out of line to leave? I'm really quiet normally and I hate the fact his friends all feel that way about me, especially since I'm usually so laid back and easygoing. But at the same time I feel I shouldn't have to just take anything he throws at me.What do you think?
View related questions:
text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Im with Chigirl on this one. Your boyfriend is definitely passive-aggressive and he chose to punish you by getting stoned himself because he knew you wouldn't like it.
You should have quietly slipped out of the wedding after a while..its not that you would've been conspicuous by your absence because you WERE there and you mingled with guests. You could have always made the excuse of feeling suddenly unwell if someone asked.
Your boyfriend would have had hell to pay for when he got back home but at least you wouldn't have to deal with the humiliation that he put you through.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): I would have quietly slipped out and gone home. Normally the bride and groom are so into the moment that they would not even notice. I get that it is the bride and groom's day but I am sure they wouldn't want any of their guests being treated like that.I don't feel anyone should have to put up with that kind of behaviour. I have been in a similar situation where I was totally ignored whilst my partner chatted freely and in a friendly manner to everyone else but I had no transport so was forced to stay. It was horrible and dreadfully degrading. As chigirl says your boyfriend is definitely passive aggressive and somewhat controlling. Having been on the end of silent treatment that went on for years because of something I had apparently done I would not put up with it for one second anymore. It is cruel mental torture.
I would have a break from your guy for a while while you re-evaluate if you want to be in a relationship like this going forward,
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 August 2014):
Cindy: I totally agree with you, of course everyone should be responsible for their own behaviour, and I agree that the OP shouldn't have started an argument at the first wedding. She should have waited until they were home and discussed it then. But the boyfriend has not behaved well at all either in my opinion, and I don't like this situation he's created where she feels like she's got to put up with any bad behaviour he throws at her for fear of being labelled as a troublemaker amongst his friends.
I think in the situation where he was giving her the cold shoulder all night, and she felt really awkward and uncomfortable, then quietly slipping out would be quite sensible as it eliminates any potential for drama.
And finally, I don't really like people who overdo it on alcohol at weddings either, however my main issue with the weed situation is the legality of it (not in general, in this situation). My sister once attended a wedding where some of the guests were caught with illegal drugs and the whole party were asked to leave the venue.
People can choose to smoke or take whatever they like in my opinion, but I don't think they should be doing it in a public place at someone else's wedding, when there is the possibility of getting caught and ruining the day.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 August 2014):
 jls022 : to clear my thought : each one is responsible for their OWN behaviour. If the OP bf's misbehaves ( I don't say he did not !- then again, I don't see why getting stoned at a wedding is any worse than getting DRUNK at a wedding, which for some reason everybody thinks is acceptable... but never mind ) that will be on him. The OP is there as a guest of the bride and grrom, and not to monitor any other guest's behaviour. If she does not like how her Bf's acts- she can have him pay hell AT HOME. When the festivities are over. Again, a wedding day is not abiut her or her relationship problems.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 August 2014):
I think that provided you did it quietly and didn't make a fuss, leaving would have been a good option. Why should you have to sit there and put up with him giving you the cold shoulder all night? I do agree that you should keep your issues out of other people's weddings, but that works both ways. Your boyfriend was the one causing drama by acting like a child and refusing to put his issues to one side for the sake of his friend's big day.
And for what it's worth, I would be really annoyed if my new boyfriend ditched me to go and get stoned at someone else's wedding too. Of course you can't expect him to stay glued to your side all night, and maybe you should have waited until you got home to sort it out, but I think he's got a bit of a cheek saying you disrespected them on their wedding day when he could have got arrested and/or got them thrown out of their venue for smoking illegal drugs on the premises.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 I think your boyfriend is passive aggressive, manipulative and not someone you should be dating, to be honest. He told you his friends think you're a drama queen? Let me tell you, girl, that his friends did not say that or think that about you. Why would they? This is something HE makes up in order to make you look like a fool. So you will become self obsessed and nervous about your behaviour around others. You reacted appropriately by walking away at that first wedding when your boyfriend effectively ditched you and went to get stoned. That was a normal reaction. If his friends find you dramatic because you don't take shit, then that says way more about his friends than it says about you. But anyway, I don't buy it. I don't believe his friends would say that.
I was with a man once who was a lying, manipulative, passive aggressive dick. And he'd do stuff like your boyfriend does. He'd invent things just to get at me, just to hurt me, to "put me in my place". He'd say stuff like his mother supposedly said about me, that his friends supposedly thought about me.. But none of it was true. Some of the things he made up he confessed himself were all lies. After we broke up I asked his friend if they had thought this and that about me, and the friend denied it. That friend even ditched my ex too, because he also thought he was a jerk, so he had no reason to lie to me about it.
Anyway, I've never been in a relationship aside from that particular one, where there was any mentioning of what friends or family thought of me. Decent people don't say to their boyfriend/girlfriend what their friends or family think of them, just to hurt them. Even if the friends and family actually DON'T like them, they shut up about it. And why's that? Because saying things like that only serves to hurt and cause damage. So why would a loving partner do it? Even if it were true? Just to hurt and be mean, that's why.
So, your boyfriend is mean to you, he treats you like crap at weddings, he resorts to strikes below the belt by saying his friends think this and that about you (yes, that is below the belt), and he gets stoned, and he gives you the extremely passive aggressive treatment of silence. As punishment. Yes, the silent treatment is punishment. It's psychological and manipulative, and can actually do some real damage to ones psyche.
Is this really someone you should be with? Relationships are not supposed to be games and manipulations. A partner is supposed to have your back, be there for you, with you, someone you rely on and can depend on. He's none of these things.
Why are you hanging on to him? Why are you letting him control you?
I think you did the mature thing by going to the wedding and not letting his sour mood ruin the entire evening. Even if it wasn't that much fun, you still went and you talked to others. Next time, if he's a dickhead, just ignore him and decide to have fun talking to someone else, don't let his mood cramp your style. But hopefully, there will be no next time. I think you ought to leave this man and find someone else, someone with more maturity.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 August 2014):
Yes, I think you would have been way out of line if you had left. You were there as a guest of the bride or groom, to celebrate THEIR big day. You can't make it about you, even if your bf pisses you off or gives you the cold shoulder. Solve your issues at home, after the wedding- and BEFORE the next function you might need to attend together.
And... starting a fight at a wedding , because your bf leaves your side for an hour ( probably to reconnect with his old friends )... keavng you alone to mingle and socialize with people ? Well, that's exactly what you are supposed to do at weddings, be polite, be social, circulate and make small talk with people you don't know that much.Not staying glued to your partner. I understand this may not be your thing ( tons of people find it boring, you aren't the only one ) but if you go you have to be a good sport. No matter what your bf does. You can sort these things out at home.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 In your shoes I may have quietly left the wedding and let him have his little sulk without you there to either witness it or endure it.
His sulking and pouting while not telling you what the problem is suggests he is a spoilt brat who needs his ego massaged all the time.
Are you sure he is the man, sorry, I mean sulking little shit, for you?
...............................
|
