A
male
age
51-59,
*money0828
writes:My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Unfortunately I ignored her for much of that time and we drifted apart. We recently rekindled our marriage but I innocently found something on her Facebook. I went to log in to my Facebook but it was already logged in to hers. I clicked on messages and saw an email string from another guy. I read the string and there were lots of flirting going on mostly by him. I confronted my wife about it and she said it was an old boyfriend from college and that he was just flirty but they just talked. I kept track of their messages over the next month and she told him I found out and thought they were cheating. He lives in Florida and we live in nj. Since then the texts are just like what each is up to that day just general talk. I checked and no texts or phone calls just through Facebook. Today I told her it was bothering me that she talks to an ex almost everyday. She said she would talk to him about it but we could not agree that it was a problem to talk that often to an ex boyfriend.She said they dated for a year in college almost 20 years ago and hey are just friends. He contacted her about 6 months ago when my wife had posted on Facebook about her moms surgery. They spoke once on the phone and then just started chatting from there. I read her messages to him today and she did say I felt uncomfortable and that they should back off and limit the amount of contact. The last message she sent to him she said maybe we should just text and then she deleted il the string but I read it first. What should I do?
View related questions:
facebook, flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): I have zero tolerance for a partner lying about a romantic history with a current "friend." Its unacceptable. It's cheating by technicality.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): I want go back to where you said this went on for six months.
So you say there are approximately 180 days of messaging exchanged continuously between the two of them consistently daily? When these messages occurred; she may have been contemplating divorcing you. She found a place to vent.
Girlfriends and your social circles are far too close to home. You have to avoid gossip mills.
I'm different from most uncles and aunts. I look at both sides. I don't just jump in there and take every single word from the OP as gospel; because we're getting half of a story; with whatever embellishments added to slant opinion in favor of the OP. Unless it is a case of violence, or abuse.
We must be fair and sometimes impartial to the OP; because all we know is what we're told. I'm often chosen for jury duty; because of this attitude and approach. I'm empathetic to your pain and suffering; but I want to offer balanced advice that will help you to think from more than one perspective. We always see things our own way. That's human.
I take into account information that may be exaggerated to some degree (emotions make us do this, it's not lying), a little bit of fibbing is thrown in for dramatic-effect, and a healthy dose of speculation from the OP. This is to fill-in areas they really don't have facts to fully backup their opinion. Well, you admitted you ignored her. So I wonder if these messages were actually during the period she was being ignored, and you're claiming they were more recent? For all we know, you only speculate something is still going on? These messages may have been discovered after the fact. That doesn't mean it's ongoing or recent.
I wonder why she would go in and continue sending messages after she knows you were reading them? You made it clear you kept snooping to see. You also made it clear to her you know about them.
I'm now wondering if your marriage is in-fact under repair? Whether you are assuming it is, because you're getting along? Perhaps it's too late, and she no longer believes it to be salvageable to the same degree you do. It's probably going to take years of work.
Seems as if you're making a lot of effort to make it up to her; but she's still in that "iffy" area whether or not she is really convinced the sudden change is only because of jealousy? It takes time to rebuild trust. Feelings lost due to spousal-neglect, and being ignored as if you don't exist; or being taken for granted, while all the while you are pleading to be acknowledged. Can do some serious psychological-damage, my friend. That is why you ignore people; because it gets to their soul. Some damage may be irreparable. All we ever know is what we see on the surface. We can't read minds.
I don't think it is fair to say she is having an "emotional affair." It's all conducted entirely on Facebook. I think it was an act of desperation. I think using that kind of terminology would make you feel you're justified in snooping, and may create more suspicion than the facts substantiate.
Then I conclude with no further intent to add to this thread, that your marriage is still pretty much in trouble. If you truly believe she will not stop messaging this guy from her past. Whom has now become a friend, linked to a time when there were no real problems.
He was someone she turned to during emotional crisis; but never crossed the line into cheating. We don't know what you may interpret as flirtatious remarks. You may have construed or define very simple compliments or pleasant commentary as "flirting." Only because he's a man. We didn't read them. So not one of us can say the man flirted with your wife factually. Now can we? It could have all been very mundane conversation about their past. You don't like the thought she can share a happy-time with anyone else. Just reminiscing about the good ole days.
In her case, she sought reminiscing in the past as a an emotional-escape. A time in her youth, when there were no worries.
Perhaps it is time to decide if things really are as good as you think. The questions are now as follows:
If your marriage was back on solid-footing; would your wife still feel the need to seek outside attention? Even if the messaging stopped today? Would she still be happy being with you? If she wrote her side of the story, would it include facts you purposely left-out?
Maybe this is where all your attention should be focused right now. Instead of trying trying to accuse her of cheating to ease your own conscience, and flip the script; because there was a time you ignored her and broke her heart and her spirit; because you're stronger than she is. Now give this all some thought.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2015):
 I'm going to go on my own here, because I don't think two wrongs make a right in any marriage.
You shouldn't have neglected her and alienated affection from her for much of the 10 years.
She shouldn't have been carrying on an emotional affair with an ex. Thanking this ex for saving your marriage? No way!
SHE should have said something to you and brought the marriage to a crisis if her needs weren't being met. There is no excuse to look outside the marriage for that stuff, and it's not right to laud her for doing so. If the tables were turned, a guy going outside the marriage for sex would never be thanked for saving the marriage.
She should not be communicating with this guy. It is disloyal and dishonest. It doesn't matter what's happened - it's not right. It's never right, and there is zero justification.
YOU - why did you neglect her? What happened? And - what's to prevent you from doing it again?? Why is the most attention you've ever given her is when you feel your territory violated?? I'm not convinced you've changed either.
So there are two wrongs.
Her emotional affair.
Your neglect and taking her for granted.
It is going to take a concerted effort for both of you to find each other again. This EX has to go...she has to go no contact with him. And emotional affair is still cheating.
And YOU - you need to change. Instead of searching through her stuff as the sum total of your attention to her - why not dates, vacations, and becoming emotionally close again??
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (24 February 2015):
 Make it up to your wife, trust in her.
Unless you have absolute, concrete, negative evidence to go by, which i doubt you will ever have, bec if your wife didn't love you &/or had found another, she'd have left you many years ago & surely you must know this.
If you don't place trust in her, @ this stage of her life, she may very well leave you, so don't play Russian roulette with her feelings any longer.
10 years has been way long enough!
Let her feel how much you care. Show her in many ways & above all, be there for her, be present & listen to her feelings/needs, in return she will listen to you too.
Good luck & let us know how you get on!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): Actually I have to say I don't necessarily agree with the other answers.One thing that stands out is that she didn't tell you, for 6 months, that she was chatting with an old ex boyfriend. You found out eventually, she didn't bring it up to you. Why did she never mention it? Married people usually like to tell and share everything with each other. "I kept track of their messages over the next month and she told him I found out and thought they were cheating." Why would she be telling him this personal information? She should be talking the situation over with you, not him.You said she talks to him almost everyday. Talking to an ex boyfriend almost every single day for 6 months? They must have a lot to talk about. IMO, the occasional text or email here and there with an ex is okay. But lengthy conversations daily? That would make me uncomfortable. I feel like people who are in the position like your wife, is probably doing this for a reason. (she likes the attention, she's lonely in her marriage and needs someone to talk to, she's bored in the marriage, etc). Situations like these can lead to an emotional affair. I think you should have another talk with your wife. You say you ignored her for a good part of your marriage. What is your marriage like now? Does she still love you? Still have passion for you? Do you guys spend a lot of time together? I don't know, sounds like there could be some problems in the marriage perhaps. Even before this whole ex boyfriend thing started. I think it's time to start trying to fix things now. Good luck, keep us updated.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmoney0828 +, writes (24 February 2015):
Jmoney0828 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the feedback. Looking at it from outside I can see where I need to adjust my thinking. But for some more information about 2 years ago we had done a hotel show and my wife did that one for our business and I do the bills and I noticed a south jersey number coming up a lot I looked in her phone it was a girls name attached to the number but I called and a guy answered. I confronted her she lied and then she fessed up a guy was nice to her at the show complimented her and they only talked nothing happened. My point is regardless if she felt I treated her that badly then she should have left and by doing this and by talking to an ex boyfriend regardless of the content on a daily basis that disrespects me and or marriage and to me is just as bad. Also her last Facebook message to this guy after she told him I was watching their messages and was not cool with their exchanges was to tell him maybe you should just text me read of Facebook and then deleted it not knowing I saw it. Just seems very sneaky to me regardless if it is innocent texting is another level for me especially when she is trying to hide it from me again. To me there is really no logical reason to talk to an ex boyfriend everyday that makes no sense to me. My point was if you want to catch up from time to time cool but everyday? Also sometimes on the weekends or f we are relaxing at night watching tv and she is sitting next to me I know there has been times where she is messaging him. To me those are things I can justifiably be upset about. She said he is unemployed right now and has a lot of free time so I guess that is why he messages her everyday. And sometimes she initiated and asks how he is doing? My point was to say I don't like it don't want you to do it I am ok wth occasional contact under these 3 conditions...no meeting up if he ever comes to our area, no messaging at night or weekends when we are together. She has her privacy but whenever I leave my phone around she checks it a lot I have no lock on my phone because I have nothing to hide. She can check my fb or email anytime because I would never want to or find a need to talk to an ex or anybody woman co worker or ex on a daily basis. To do that to me thete is something she gains from doing it otherwise why daily contact with an ex? She must have some feelings or feel like she needs that for some reason no?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2015):
 Brown Wolf has a LOVELY suggestion, and I think you should think about what he said.
You say you two drifted apart, but rekindled later. That is an ONGOING process. Not a one time fix.
And Anon Male is correct too.
YOU had NO right to snoop through her Facebook messages. Being married doesn't GIVE you those rights. Now SHE can CHOSE to give you access - but she DOES have the RIGHT to privacy, even in a marriage. (same as you)
And he is also right that YOUR wife, LISTENED to what you said and followed through. She didn't ARGUE about wanting to KEEP her friend. She didn't ARGUE that you don't trust her, no, she told the guy that HER HUSBAND feels there is too much contact going on, so SHE is going to CUT down on that.
YOU, sir... HAVE an amazing wife.
SO trust her and cherish her. DO NOT vilify her. Talking to an old BF from 20 years ago doesn't MEAN she wants to cheat. Or that she WILL cheat. Doesn't even mean she is doing something "wrong".
I talk (maybe 2-4 times a year) to my first BF (that ended over 20+ years ago) over e-mail. So not exactly often. He IS flirty, but I ignore those points of his conversation. Flirting is part of his personality. I take it as banter, no more. And while this guy was a great love of my life, I'm married to my husband and have been for 17 years, I don't "see" the ex as someone to rub my ego. We talk about friends, family, (kids for me), travel for him. He was there for ME (when my mom passed) and for my DAD (when I couldn't due to living overseas). SO yes, he is a pretty important friend in my book.
My husband had a heart attack and follow up surgery 2 years ago. While he was recovering his High School sweetheart found him on FB and they have been chatting ever since. This is the girl (now woman) he wanted to marry at 16-17. I think a great love of HIS life. As things turned out, he joined the Army, she went of to college and married another mutual friend (who is now also on my hubby's FB) They joke around, post old pictures and new ones, but I don't think anything inappropriate is going on. IT could be, I haven't snooped! I TRUST my husband. His EX wife DID talk to him SEVERAL times in an inappropriate manner which he showed me and ended up blocking her from FB.
If you don't HAVE faith in your partner, if you don't HAVE trust, you have HALF a marriage/relationship. Because you spend WAY to much time "imagining" things and "over interpret" things. And now you are trying to "control" her too. So distrustful and controlling is NOT an attractive way to treat YOUR wife.
Stop being an asshat. LOVE your wife. Stop snooping. TRUST your wife.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): Leave it alone and trust her. She told him that you thought they were cheating; and she explained to you how they met and who he is. It all sounds very credible and innocent to me. She must have guessed you'd be jealous, she's right!
You are forgetting there was a period of distance between you and your spouse. You're only over-sensitive; because you have a guilty-conscience for neglecting her. Your wife isn't the problem here, my dear sir. You've suddenly decided to be a jealous and possessive husband, after being a neglectful one. You've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. During the period you ignored her, she had the option, and the opportunity, to leave you. She hasn't.
It may be uncomfortable that he is an ex-boyfriend; but it was 20 years ago, and people find old friends, school-mates, and long-lost relatives on Facebook every hour of everyday. You haven't seen any signs of your wife encouraging the man's flirtations. You've checked, and found no evidence of cheating. Although HE is flirtatious; and SHE immediately addressed that issue.
You have a wife who apparently loves you, when she should have left you. Cool your jets and get a grip. She's still there working it out; and she has made an effort to make her friend chill with the flirting. Now it's time to stop snooping, and she has a right to some privacy. She lives in NJ and he lives in Florida. That's more than a comfortable distance apart. You can't find any evidence of contact other than on Facebook; which is appropriate and respectful for a married-woman. Now, is there a real problem? I mean, other than the fact you're jealous?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): Well... for starters, you should probably quit snooping in her private conversations. Just because you are married, it doesn't mean neither of you can have private lives. You don't have to be all up in each other's business every second of the day.
You voiced your concerns and she reacted pretty well. She explained the situation to the old flame, which shows respect to him and limited contact with said old flame, which shows respect to you.
Quit being so damn paranoid and show a little trust in her or she WILL go and cheat because without trust, you have nothing.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 February 2015):
 First of all Jealousy...very bad move. Being jealous and angry will just put you right into the 10 wasted years. You created a problem, she found a way to fix hers, and now you are mad that she did. What did you expect? Did you expect another human with feelings, needs, and emotions to just sit and wait for you to get clue, and pick up where you left off??? You made it easy for a guy to sweet talk your wife, and now you are upset.This ex...you should thank him...why? he saved your marriage...how? He was a distraction for her from looking for a guy close to where she lives. Just imagine if he lived within her reach? You would be having a different conversation with your wife.First thing... Grab jealousy by the balls and throw it out of your life and marriage. Then...All the things you did NOT do for ten years...GET IT DONE!!! Love her like a kid loves Christmas...I do not mean smother her...LOVE her. Deep down where she feels it. Love, affection, attention, respect, and oh yes more love...let her see...no...let her feel why she married you.Take back the ten years, take back your wife, take back your life...but do it all with love.If you cannot do that...then you just wasted ten years of HER life.Yes sure...this may all sound corny...But tell me anyone who has saved their marriage with jealousy, hate, anger, or resentment.
...............................
|
