A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The story of my life is that never ever a man who I was in love with and adored was in love with me back. Every time something starts and I feel incredibly in love, after awhile an interest in me fades. My boyfriend is a very nice man. He has a good job, handsome enough, and sex is good. He loves me and we were talking about marriage. I am 29, it is the time to start a family soon. Yesterday he kind of proposed to me without a ring, and we laughed it off. But I now this day is just around the corner with a ring and all. His mother openly tells everyone thati am her future daughter in law. The thing is though I don't think I am that much in love with him. I understand in my mind that he is a good catch, and he will do anything for me and our future children, but I am not in love with him as I was with few other guys from my past. I talked to a friend who says I must be crazy to even think of a possibility of not marrying him, that in love feeling goes away after few years of marriage anyway, and I will loose a great guy. I understand and somewhat believ it too, but there is a hope in me still that may be I will meet a guy who will want me and I will be in love with him also. Is this though a key to a happy marriage to be absolutely in love with your future husband/ wife? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): Divorce lawyer here. Just stumbled upon that accidentally. Sorry to be a pessimist but the Hollywood notion of head over heels forever and ever and the idea of "destiny" and "the one" has ruined many lives.From personal experience there are mainly two reasons why people end up in my office. Reason one, Been together forever and ever, (usually highschool sweethearts) have grown kids, spark is of course gone when the mid age crisis hits and one of the partners feels the need to validate their worth to the opposite sex. By then of course they are worth more than your average college student. They claim they have "fallen in love" with their new younger partner (and who am I to judge) and want to "make up for lost time". Reason two, people rely way too much in concepts like "passion" "fairytale romance" "love at first sight" etc that are literally blindsided to who the person really is even though the red flags are right there in plain sight way before they ever married. Most of the times this "Oh, I am sooo in love with him/her" thing prevents them from even examining whether they are compatible at all and when the passion fades (which it does), they are not left with a partner/best friend/lover but with a person that annoys them/cheats on them or plainly,being at a completely different place. Without the "in love" thing there is nothing more there to hold the marriage together. Ideally for a successful marriage you need to have both elements in balance. You should obviously not marry anyone you don't have feelings for just because they look good on paper but you should also not marry someone simply because they give you butterflies in the stomach. If you are going to grow old with a person you have to choose a person you can communicate with and work together as a team and who has the same goals in life as you. The grass is not always greener.Having said that I wouldn't advice you to go ahead and marry him, but not because you deserve better or you should not settle. I'd say that given your reasoning (and mostly based on the explanation on your follow up that none of the other whirlwind romances lasted long enough for you to see what comes after the great passion is gone)you are not ready to get married at all. Unlike other posters I don't see how opting for someone you do love and who would be a dependable partner, a good father and your best friend is settling just because the symphonic orchestra isn't playing a concert every time you kiss. Anyway, You got some good advice, try and imagine whether your life without him in it will be more or less pleasant and if you are along the lines of "meh, will sure be a pity but I am sure I can do better.", if you have zero romantic feelings for him and don't like his touch, then do the decent thing and let him go.I know I sound cynical but ten years of dealing with the same patterns mean that I prefer to see the naked truth. And it is simple, a)Happy endings are nowhere near guaranteed in life. b) People choose the wrong people for the wrong reasons ALL the time. c) Dating is different than being married. Being married requires way more than chemistry. d) Love is different than lust and e) love is not something you find, it is something you build (if you have a solid foundation) and it is not easy.I'd say marriage is a bad idea for you now. I feel you are not ready for it yet. Seeing a therapist is an excellent idea, I applaud you. If you want a successful marriage first you have to figure out not only what you want but also WHY you want it. Good luck to you
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (10 October 2014):
 It sounds like you are justifying staying with him. It also sounds like you are scared and trying to convince yourself that this could be right or love. You seem scared of the alternative, like he is probably the best there is and so leaving him would be a mistake. The passion you had in the past didn't last so that isn't real. He is still around so that is what relationships are really like. It simply isn't true. You didn't have that passion for him from the start.
Love isn't something that needs to be analyzed. Your doubts are your gut's way of telling you this isn't right. You are forcing this. You shouldn't need psycho analysis to find out how or why you don't feel right with him... And imagining him not in your life and coming to the conclusion you miss him like crazy isn't love. He has been your partner for a long time now, you have had him as a part of your life, of course you would miss him like crazy! Does that mean you should marry him and you are head over heels in love? Sadly, no.
I don't believe you should give up on the passion you know exists within you. You have had it in the past and you could have it with a lasting relationship. You don't need to settle for this good enough relationship. Of course you are free to do whatever you wish but this is my opinion from what I've gone through. None of your post sounds like love, at all. It reads as fear and settling for good enough.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 If I were your boyfriend I would be worried hearing that you are not that much in love with him, and also this is your first serious long term relationship. You have nothing to compare it to, and you are still curious about the field and what's out there.
I first came to this site asking why passion and long term can't coexist. That was 6 years ago. Throughout the years I had dated enough men to value stability over passion. If you hesitating about long term, that's because the marriage institution itself is an oppression and it's unnatural to human instinct. It is through maturing, surrendering that you can appreciate what you have because the alternatives are open relationships, serial dating, and being single.
I learned so much in this site about relationships and human behavior. You are just starting. I believe it's better to go into marriage with clarity and peace of mind. Right now there is no reason to rush. You should pour in love as much as possible before house payments and children come into your life. You may not be ready for marriage now. You need a strong foundation to prepare for the ups and downs.
I know what you need is how to respond to him when he asks about marriage again. You laughed, and did not say yes right away. If he is wise and secure then he will wait until a better time. Only a dumb and clingy man will say something like you don't need passion in a marriage. It is hard to tell him you are not in love with him either. If you say that to him it could be a deal breaker. What you need is to slow down the gear and just shift back to dating mode. If he is in a hurry to get married then let it be with a woman just as impatient as him.
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reader, Overlay +, writes (9 October 2014):
I got married at age 32 to a woman with whom I became acquainted through correspondence, and whom I first met in person two weeks before our wedding. Before being married, there were multiple women with whom I had had face-to-face relationships; to whom I had said, "I love you"; who told me that they loved me; and with whom I (on my part at least) felt more of a "connection" than I felt with my wife prior to our marriage. I believe that I could have had a satisfying life with any of them if they had been as committed to the relationship as I was, but none of them were.
My pre-marital experiences with women narrowed my list of "non-negotiables" down to just three items (all of which had proven to be "deal-breakers" in those prior relationships): monogamy; a willingness to adapt to the periodic worldwide relocation required by my job; and a desire for children (which also placed certain time constraints on my search, both on my part and the woman's), and all of which only my wife satisfied. Might there have been one or more other women still out there who also "qualified", and whom I could have met through more "conventional" means? I suppose so, but I had no reason for optimism (based on my past experiences) about how long I would have to keep looking to find her, and I didn't want to be going to elementary-school open houses in my 50's (especially since I was going to be eligible for full retirement at age 55).
In no way did I feel that I was "settling" when I did get married, because I had been through enough negative pre-marital experiences to know that, when problems or disagreements arose with my wife, they were trivial in comparison to what I had been through while single. Today (having been married now for 28 years, with two married children), although I have retained the positive memories from my pre-marital relationships, there is no way that I would trade what my wife and I have, and have experienced together, with the best that I had or even might have had with anyone else (past or future).
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reader, Staceily +, writes (9 October 2014):
The story of your life is identical to my own. I had some passionate relationships, real true love, and they lost interest while I was head over heels still. I met my husband and he loved me. He continued to love me. I never felt that same passion with him that I had in the past. He convinced me that real love isn't like that, real relationships get along logically and can make it. And since my love relationships didn't last I thought he could be right. People together for 30 years don't have passion, he said. Real relationships are a grind. I figured what I wanted was a fairy tale and this was real life, he was a great man on paper for sure and we got along in all the ways that were important, we agreed on finances and long term goals etc. And we were together long enough so I thought marriage would be the right way to go.
Passion was always lacking. I questioned whether I even loved him at times, I figured I have to right? But I wasn't sure. I actually asked other people "how do you know if you are in love?" Over time I started to feel like I settled. I felt jealous of couples I'd see who seemed so in love. I got jaded and bitter towards romance and love songs. Obviously the marriage didn't make it, we divorced after 2 years. I met a man shortly after by accident that I am head over heels for, something I never felt for my ex husband.
I realize now that true love definitely exists. Without a doubt. The past relationships you had that didn't make it doesn't prove passion and love aren't real or don't last! It just means those guys weren't right for you for any plethora of reasons. Some relationships don't make it, it could've been age, maturity, anything. In my case I just hadn't met the right guy yet and we were all a bit too young. I should have trusted my gut. I knew love was real and it existed, I should never have settled for less out of fear.
Don't ever walk into a marriage without the in love feeling. It will not last. Right on paper doesn't mean a thing. Being 'perfect' or a 'good catch' doesn't mean he is perfect for you. If you marry this guy you will be settling. If you have to ask if you love him, you don't. It's that simple. You don't have to get married because you are 29 and it is time to try for kids. You should want to get married because you love the man so much you would never want to be without him. Love does exist. Settling does not equal a lasting marriage. Read and re-read WiseOwlE's post. And don't feel guilt for not loving the man, you can't help how you feel. I wish you the best of luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): Wow, so many answers, thank you very much!I did what AskEve said, I asked myself what if he dissapears from my life, would I stay totally indifferent. And the answer was no, I would miss him terribly .I also reading your answers asked myself is that the certainty that makes me feel not as much passionate about him, and I answered to myself: May be. I don't think I felt toward him from the very beginning what I felt for other guys this crazy passion. But then again, other guys didnt really give me a chance to be long enough with them. my longest relationship before my current boyfriend lasted 4 months. I see him deffinitely as a good life partner and airing husband and father. He has a very nice personality, and we do have a lot in common. I was advised to talk to someone like phsyco analyst about my doubts, and see what's happening in my head. Thank you again all for answering.
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reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 If love goes away after a few years of marriage then there's something wrong!
The intense excitement at the start of a relationship will go away after 6 months to a year or so, but you should never fall out of love.
If you don't love him, don't marry him.
If you're not sure if you love him, don't marry him.
He deserves to have a wife who loves him, and you deserve to have someone whom you love and who loves you back.
Marrying someone because it seems sensible is a terrible idea if there's no love.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 October 2014):
You said every time something starts and you feel incredibly in love and then it fades. Does it include your current boyfriend? Or does the in love feeling fade only when a long term is established? You have good sex. So it's not like you can't stand it when he kisses you or touches you.
Marriage is not for everybody and maybe in your 30's you would value it more. It is within your rights to live passionately and feel alive. As a boring person myself I know marriage is good for me.
Perhaps once he stops talking about marriage the feeling of uncertainty will bring the spark back. So it's not necessarily the man himself that's lacking anything. In a marriage you need both passion and commitment. It could be the idea of forever that's scaring you. In that case it's best to just live one day at a time. Do your best and don't feel like a failure if in the future you don't want to stay married anymore. You can know how to love but at the same time not needing the marriage to stay forever. I also find that if you are happy with your life and easy going, then you are more likely to be happy with your husband too.
I think your mind is a bit scattered and not organized. You said every time you feel in love, then you say you want to also feel in love back.
I understand too feelings can be unrational and it's hard to analyze.
Perhaps men don't want long term relationships because they understand how women really work. As soon as "forever" is introduced, women fall out of love. It's a contradiction because men who don't follow up with long term plans are wrong choices for you, but at the same time they are the ones who keep you in love.
You need to sort this out. It could be that, people who are able to stay in love over many years are suitable for marriage because they stay put and like the simple ways of living and abhor drama.
If it's true that you want what you can't have, then how can you be ready for a marriage, and stay away from outside temptations?
It could be after a trial and error of several tumultuous relationships that don't go anywhere, before you can appreciate a man who can commit to you long term. But how are we to suggest you go date some more, get heart broken, see everyone else get married and have children, then hope you find another man like your boyfriend again?
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reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (9 October 2014):
 Never settle and never marry someone that you aren't head over heels in love with. Just because someone looks good on paper and has all the right things isn't going to be enough to make the marriage work. Marriage takes work, work work and if there isn't love..it will grow old quickly. This isn't the day of "till death due us part" anymore. People get married and divorced at the drop of a hat. Its really sad. Even when you truly love someone it doesn't mean things will work out but I think you have a better chance of things lasting if you both really love one another.
My guy had this happen to him. He married the right girl at the right time because he felt pressured from both families to do so. He told me he wasn't sure he loved her but he had dated her for 3 years and felt everything was in place. He was a doctor, she was a doctor both came from good families. They were both Japanese. The marriage fell apart in less than 18 months. Why??? Because they didn't love one another. He couldn't connect with her, they had almost nothing in common and he tried to love her and makes things work but he couldn't. He felt extreme shame and embarrassment when she filed for divorce but also great relief.
Don't hurt this man..don't hurt yourself. End things. Its 2014, its ok to have a love marriage. Don't marry because someone looks good or sounds good. Be in love..not in like.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 In reference to Olderthandirt " cynical " comment : I want to say that actually his position is shared by a few MILLIONS of people in Oriental cultures, and objectively they do not seem to function worse than us for that. Most Eastern cultures do not even UNDERSTAND the concept of a choice based on romantic love, for them it makes as much sense as saying that you have to be in love with your boss at work , to accept a good job. And , strangely enough , that's not confined to very traditional, backward societies. I spoke with many cultured ,sophisticated, technologized Japanese young people who feel just the same. A man needs certain services, a woman certain benefits, the society needs new members- the choice of a partner is still based on selective or restrictive criteria ,but different from ours , - how much you esteem a person, if they are serious or intelligent or hard working or have accomplishments you can be proud of, etc. but nothing romantic. And, at the end of the day, they seem to do not better and not worse than us romantic Westerners. I mean, in Japan or India too , there are couples who get along famously and people who are attached to their spouses and enjoy greatly their family life .So what gives ? what gives, I think, it's there's a trick at the base of this. They are all society where men have much more social and emotional freedom than women. It's a GIVEN that at some point the man will feel a hunker for something " more ", something more intense, passionate, exciting, and not just in terms of sexual performances. And men will be let free to explore this wild, adventurous side of themselves ( for free... or against monetary exchange ). Nobody will be much fazed, there won't be a hue and cry, wives won't scream " I'll take you to the cleaners ", offspring won't think that dad is a pig,...men will be able to live their erotic ( which does not mean only sexual ! ) impulses till they last , and women will not know, or pretend to not know, or to not care, or will ACTUALLY not care.
But, of course it's not the same for women. They are supposed to toe the line always , to not have similar erotic leanings, and to be happy and content with their kids, theor status, their title of Mrs., and the material things they can get out from their provider.
Like it or not, it can't work like that in a Western society. BOTH men and women claim the right, and the need, to fall in love, live passionate moments, feel moved and excited and thrilled and scared and anxious as people in love are, and generally make a fool of themselves for love:) . The tide has turned already a couple of centuries back in that, maybe more, ... and there's no turning back.
So, marriage as a contract is doomed to fail miserably in a society that does not get it, approves it, wants it or understands it anymore.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 October 2014):
No, don't settle. For all the excellent reasons explained by my DC colleages, and for a simpler one , which I hope it does not sound jaded- because it's not, it's just true.
Being married is not easy - it's not that bed of roses which seems from watching.. an old Rock Hudson / Doris day movie. Living seven days a week with someone who is basically, " other " than you , who's not even blood, is a challenge, which requires flexibility, patience, effort, optimism. In time, then, people changes , evolves, develops different wants and needs;external factors may intervene to test complicity and compatibility. Even with the best initial intentions, and the warmest ,strongest love you may find yourselves , years and years down the road, drifting apart, and becoming unhappy together , or indifferent to each other. Hopefully not, but it may happen- and does happen some times, even after many years.
Imagine if you start lukewarm, or cold. With the nagging feeling that you " sold out " out of rush, or desperation, or social pressure, and now you are stuck with this.... this... this inadequate person, who may be a great guy, but does not feel great to you at all.
How long do you think you are going to last ?... One year, two ? ... You are going to have to call a divorce lawyer before you have finished to send your thank you notes for the wedding gifts, so to speak :).
I think doubts start from a fallacy that has no reason to exist nowadays : that having " a " husband ( any husband whatsoever ) is always better that not having one at all. Why ? If you find someone whom you feel you can really love and who loves you back, - great , let's take out the champagne . If you don't.... if you don't you can be happy regardless, I promise . Happy , mind you. Not just OK, coping , resigned, " it could be worse ". Just ...happy. You BUILD your own happiness , and it is a process, that may be HELPED by getting a husband ( if he's the right one for you ), but it's never prevented by not having one.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I would set this man free, to find a woman who does love him and want to be with him. You sound like you are following some prescribed life map. You are x age and should be having y children with z career goals.
It doesn't work well if you are ticking boxes off a 'must do' list. It works far better if you want to be with him because you have lots in common AND you feel really bonded to him.
You're just phoning it in, as we used so say in the olden days.
You say the story of your life is missed connections and unrequited love. Well, if that's how you define yourself, that's how it will go.
I would let this man go so he can find a woman who loves the pants off him and wants to be with him and is willing to work on improving the relationship.
You aren't ready. You are stuck in the 'poor me' 'I'll never find someone so I have to settle' negative mind rut.
The key to a happy marriage is to start with the belief that you will love the person you are bonded to.... you don't sound like you actually believe that will happen.
Let this guy go.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2014):
 Don't EVER settle. It's not fair on you, and mostly.. not fair on him.
And PLEASE read and take to heart WiseOwlE lovely post, he is spot on.
I do think it's rather cold to think marriage with a guy you do not love, adore, lust after, crave..... all because.. he is a "good catch" Now if this was 150 years ago, everyone would have said MARRY HIM, because as a woman you had no real choice of taking care of yourself, of having a family without a husband. This is 2014.
So what do you do? You give yourself AS MUCH time as you need to figure out if he is "the one" for you or "the one for right now".
My husband and I are on our 17th year married, and honey it still takes work, it takes effort and it TAKES a LOT of love and patience. If I hadn't loved him as much as I did when he proposed I would NOT have married him. I would just have dated him till the "expiration date". I didn't even CONSIDER to EVER get married till I met him. Because I saw it as a HUGE commitment. One that you (general you) should NEVER take lightly. I get that you can "always" divorce if it turns out that marriage is just not working for y'all - today so many things are just so disposable, phones, cars, people..... And it's a shame.
Would you be OK if he married you if you knew he didn't LOVE LOVE LOVE you? That he decided what the heck I might as well marry this one, she is pretty enough on my arm or she matches my lifestyle...?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): You shouldn't marry someone because they're a good catch. Two years, a child, and a mortgage from now, you'll be writing DC about some guy from your past you ran into; you're in-love with, or can't get out of your mind.
It sort of gives me the chilly-willies, how people don't seem to grasp the real concept of love, or see marriage as the type of institution where commitments are formed for the long-haul.
You make vows, and it's going to be a lot of work. Work you'll never be able to sustain over-time; if you don't really love the guy. Love gives a marriage endurance. It gives children within that union, fertile ground to grow-up on. It makes you glad to know, it goes both ways.
It is hard to compromise or forgive a person you are just "fond" of. You will run into a lot of obstacles and challenges along the way in a marriage. You can't have a casual or cavalier attitude about someone who is the father of your child(ren). Suddenly you feel you missed out on something by marrying too soon; and then out of the blue decide maybe you ought to quit and checkout your other options.
Seriously?!!
If all you need is a sperm-donor or a sugar-daddy; then there are men more than willing to assume that role.
Take my advice. If you're looking for a husband, that is a life-partner. The guy you plan to grow old with. The man who sits up all night with the sick kids, when you've had a really long and tiring day. The guy who holds you in his arms through a crisis and makes you feel everything will be okay. The guy who looks at you across the table and you both grin simultaneously; because the same thought crossed your minds at the same time. The guy you get so pissed at one minute you want to kill him, the next minute he's got you rolling on the floor laughing so hard you think you're going to pee your pants. If you've got to be cramped up with a guy all winter; he's got to be someone you can stand touching you anytime of the day or night. It's hard to do that when you don't really love him.
Remember, if you bring children into the picture; they're going to want you to love their daddy as much as they do.
You don't stand at the alter with question marks in the back of your head about the guy who just said "I do."
When you utter the words "I do;" remember you said that after your vows.
I'm gay and my partner died before gay-marriage was legal in my state. I could checkoff everything on the list!
We would have had a family, and I would never had said yes; unless I felt that with every fiber of my being. I would have truly meant it. Nature, society, and all the powers of goodness sanctions the union of a man and a woman. Take it as seriously as it is intended. You want it, and you deserve it. Love the man you marry with all your heart!
Sure, most folks think gay marriages aren't real. My relationship lasted a strong 28 years! If I ever marry, there will be no question if I love that person. You might dismiss my words as just the rantings of "some homosexual" who has a great deal of nerve to tell you what marriage is about. I apologize for any offense. I feel so strongly!
I also have the same passion when talking to my gay acquaintances who think it's something "trendy" and all the cool gays are doing it. I know gays who've spent tens of thousands on grand wedding ceremonies, and fabulous receptions. Girlfriend, I've been to a few of the best. Unmatched by some of my straight friends. It pisses me off to think that's the casual regard some people may have for the institution of marriage.
Just a trend, or the way to secure their future.
"They end-up going to hell in a hand-basket; because if it ain't real, it ain't gonna last!" Says my elderly sliver-haired neighbor. Her marriage hit fifty five years-old, as of this past June. She was an opponent for gay-marriage at first; but she told me once,in her thick Brooklyn accent;
" don't let nobody tell you who you should love, and who to share ya life with. Your love is just as real as mine!" I should have had her answer your post!
Look at the big picture. When you marry a guy, you're not looking just for a sperm-donor and financial security, you are choosing the man who will help you raise your family. You want to someday sit on your porch together, all wrinkled and gray; feeling good about the great life you struggled to keep going until you've got great-grand children. So can you look at him, and know he was more than a great-catch. He is the love of your life.
Don't be jaded, and let cynicism fill your head with the ridiculous conclusion about the guys you've really loved; you claim didn't love you back. They were the wrong choices!
You were wise enough to let them go. There isn't a molecule of logic behind the rationalization to marry somebody; because you're tired of searching for someone who you actually love.
The karma behind that is; he'll come along after you marry someone else for all the wrong reasons.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 Like the song goes,"what's love got to do with it?" You can be happily married for the rest of your life without love being introduced(in my humble opinion) Maraige is technically an agreement to take care of each other for as long as you live 'til death do youy part' ergo, in a cybuical but practical view, It's a contract. Yiou don't even have to have sex with one another as long as that's the agreement. Iknow that sounds cynical and way out there but I'm just try to answer the question as bluntly as possible removed from emotion as the question seems to be.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 October 2014):
A key to a happy marriage is be kind to each other and be supportive. Also finding a balance between passion and rationality. People have definitions of what in love means. Some people feel that in love means the strong chemicals in the brain that you chase and try to maintain. Some people feel that it's being content and glad that you are with your spouse. People who wonder if there's a greener pasture strive to make the passion stay when in reality it is hard and the ideal of a mills and boon romance sets your marriage up for disappointment.
With a whirlwind romance your heart is in charge. You want something you get it. With a long term relationship or marriage though, you have to be more diplomatic and lean more towards the mental.
You are having cold feet and this is a time for you to say, deal or no deal. You have a choice of going for the rare million, or settling with 50000. Most people walk away with a guaranteed amount.
It also depends on your calibre. If you are a supermodel, have a brilliant career and can get any men you want, of course you can afford to pick and choose. If you are more like average then I would settle for Mr. Good enough.
If you make a choice to be with him, I think you will give yourself a reason to be happy. Once you married him it will be too late to regret it. It really doesn't take too much to be happy. I can't say for all, but I would say a key to happiness is also to lower expectations.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (9 October 2014):
 Your feelings are luke warm towards him and that's not enough to even contemplate marrying. Could it be that its BECAUSE he is crazy on you your feelings have lessened and feeling of "the chase" is gone?
Ask yourself how you would feel without him in your life? Would you REALLY miss him or would it be no big deal and you'd move on. How would you feel seeing him with another woman? Would you be jealous or would you be happy for him? Do you miss him when you're not together? Is he the first person you think about when you open your eyes in the morning?
Forget what others think about him. It's what YOU think about him and how you FEEL when you're together that's important. A word of warning... Do NOT "ride the wave" and just go with things (engagement, marriage etc) because you feel it's expected of you. If you don't truly feel it in your heart as it will only end in heartbreak. It may be that you both need to distance yourselves a little in order for you to see how you feel without him and if you miss him.
The key to a happy marriage is for you and your partner to be best friends as well as lovers. They should be the most important person in your life and you should be able to tell one another anything! You should both have the utmost respect for one another and feel warm and comfortable in their presence.
If you have any doubts in your mind at all that things are going a bit stale then my advice is to take things slowly and pull back a bit. Take some time out and see how you feel without him. You might actually surprise yourself!
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