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I don't feel like I'm in a relationship! What should I do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 March 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 7 March 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I am not sure as to how to describe my current circumstance. I do not feel as if i am in a relationship.

I have 3 children, 2 have left home. My youngest is 13. His dad and I have know each other for over 30 years. He has been a great dad to all my children.

The problem is that we have never spoken about a future. We do not live together, we both own our own properties. He never takes me out or surprises me. He does not celebrate Christmas or my birthday or Valentine's Day. We never go away on holiday. When he calls he never really asks how I am, its always about our son and his education or behaviour.

I have just moved out of my house and renting it out due to financial issues. I am currently living in a small room at my sons flat. You would think this would have made him think - what could he do to make things better. He scarcely maintains his son. He never gives me money directly for him. He would rather pay for his music lessons. Then he criticises what I feed him.

I was thinking of asking him to go away with me for a night or two so we could find each other again and also use it as an opportunity to talk about what we are doing and where we are going as right now I do not feel like we are going anywhere.

Now that I have established my career and achieved what I wanted out of life, I am now ready to marry and want someone to come home to each night. I feel so lonely.

We did separate for about 2 years and I tried dating other men but did not meet anyone I felt chemistry with and also found the rejection hard when meeting people from dating websites.

Not long ago I met up with an ex boyfriend and we have dated a few times. I still feel an attraction and we have amazing chemistry. We split up because I was going through a bad period in my life. He tried to help as much as he could. This was over 20 years ago. He is single with no dependants. I have not been chasing him and he has been in contact with me. He knows I am in some sort of a relationship so is keeping his distance. He is aware that I am not happy.

Any words of advice welcome as I need to make up my mine as I do not want to waste anymore time.

View related questions: christmas, money, moved out, on holiday, period, split up

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016):

Thank you all for responding.

I should not be mean - we have been out occasionally but very rarely and do still have a sexually relationship although not often as it use to be.

I have been out with my ex and we have been intimate which is what confuses me as it has caused me to think a lot about my ex.

When I am with my current partner we will watch films together or he will cook me a meal.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (7 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntTalk to the father off your child, ask him what does he want? Tell him you want a relationship and that you are lonely, if he cannot give you that well I suggest meeting up with your ex and reconnecting to see if there are still feelings there. Don't waste your life being alone and waiting for someone. Good luck.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (7 March 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt I am not sure I got this right, but if you and this guy have been hanging out for the last 30 years, and you also had a kid together at one point... but he never wanted to talk about the future,.... well, what makes you think that he will even consider talking about a future now, after 30 years that this has never been deemed necessary ?!

Or maybe you knew him as a friend, and he came on the scene as a lover just 14 years ago ?.... Even so. 14 years is a looong time to never talk about a common future, ( sure, not as long as 30 ) , what makes you think that if you spend a weekend together, it will change everything between you ?....

I also do not quite understand what relationship do you have with this guy. I mean, if you do not live together, and do not go out together, do not take holidays or celebrate festivities together, and do not talk about anything but your son's needs.... well, what do you DO together ?---- Have sex ?... So that would be a sort of Father with Benefits, more than a Friend with Benefits.

I don't know but, if you are tired of being alone and want someone to come home to at night, I would bet serious money that you won't be coming home to him. It's a good thing that so far he has been a good father for his son and also your kids but, he does not seem to be much arsed about you personally. And frankly it is a bit surprising that you started noticing it just now.

It is not surprising instead that your ex would be keeping his distance until he knows you are involved in such a strange situation. I have no idea IF the perspectives could be rosey with this guy, and if he would be your forever one if only you were free. Maybe so, maybe he would still choose to be distant and not " the one ". I cannot even venture a guess ,not knowing anything about your relationship. But you can be sure that if he has some common sense, he WILL keep you at arms's length until you are, happily or not, so involved with another man.

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A female reader, miss frank United Kingdom +, writes (7 March 2016):

Hi. We need more detail here to help you I think, because what you describe doesn't sound like a relationship at all my dear - sounds like you have a child together and get on as separated parents...what time do you actually spend together? What do you do in that time? Do you sleep together even?

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