A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy three months ago at school. We hit off well and started dating, then he asked me to be his girlfriend. Things went well for the first week we were together, after that he became a little distant and we only saw each other once a week and would hangout in between classes. I knew that our schedules were so busy and school was coming to an end so we really needed to focus on our classes and so time to hangout was limited.He told me that I was every thing he looked for in a girl and that he was so happy he found me. After a while the distance and not hanging out became really fishy to me. Something told me to do some investigating and so I did. It came out to be that he had a girlfriend the whole time we were dating and talking.He confessed and said he was sorry, he said he wasn't happy with her and that he wanted to breakup with her but didn't want to because she moved to CA by herself and had nobody for the holidays. So he felt bad doing and was going to wait till the New Year. He said that they weren't getting along and always fought. He told me that he liked that I was going to college, new what I wanted in life, and the same common interest in him. I was shocked and disgusted by his actions and words and felt sorry for the girl.So, what I'm asking is... Was I just the girl who made him feel better about himself.? Did he really mean everything he said? Was I genuinely liked? Or was I just the girl that didn't give him a hard time and was loving and caring because his girlfriend wasn't? In the end, he chose her because of history and that she accepted his flaws. What should I do if he tries contacting me? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 December 2013):
 I have to agree with the other aunties. You were a substitute while his GF was not available.
Like a fantasy. He could court you, woo you and date you because she wasn't RIGHT there.
He is a douche. I have no better word for a guy like that. It's funny how people think if they talk smack about they GF/BF it's somehow OK to cheat on them. He doesn't even OWN it. HE blames the holidays and feeling sorry for her.. well, if he ACTUALLY felt sorry for her, he wouldn't freaking cheat, would he?
YOU did nothing wrong so PLEASE STOP beating yourself up. CUT the contact and let him go. CUT all contact and IF he comes crawling back having "dumped the gf" tell him he can go kick rocks, He isn't trust worthy. He "chose" her, no he didn't he is WITH her because any DECENT girl (like you) are DISGUSTED with actions like that. I'm betting she still has NO clue and he will keep her in the dark.
Stop wasting ANY MORE time on this dude. It wasn't YOU that made him cheat. It wasn't because you aren't GOOD ENOUGH that he USED you as a substitute GF. Don't worry what he might think or feel. Focus on you.
And GOOD for you to TRUST in your instincts and finding out the truth. EVEN if it hurt.
Block, him, un-friend him, let his e-mail go to span folder - pretend he doesn't exist. IF you see him around campus don't even say hi, pretend he is air.
What a skunk!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 December 2013):
 You are asking who you were in relation to him. How did he think of you, how did you fit into his life, what if he contacts you, these are questions based on whatever was going on in his small mind.
I think it would be a great big step forward in terms of maturation and self-awareness to realize that you define you and you do not need to filter your image or value or worth through the lens of another person. Especially a sweet-talking cheater. Generally those types are only interested in keeping their penises well stimulated and their laundry done, not necessarily by the same person.
What should you do if he tries contacting you? Are you hoping for more drama and lies? Then answer him and keep on with the drama. If you are hoping for a happy relationship based on trust and mutual respect, ignore him.
You are wasting time trying to figure out how you fit into his life. He's not worth that mental energy. Even spending the time to write this question gives him more time and energy than he is worth.
You are worth more than that. You are worthy of an honest and honorable man. Take your time with the next guy and don't rush in too fast, no matter how charming he is. Maybe that's the life lesson this cheater was meant to give you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): He needed a stand-in girlfriend. You were a good candidate. He didn't have to go without sex and companionship, while his girlfriend was long-distance. He's getting over her, and you were good on the rebound.
He didn't know you long enough for you to mean too much to him. You satisfied a need.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 I remember asking a counsellor this question after an ex cheated on me. He (the counsellor) talked about how some people can compartmentalise; he (the ex) could be with me and say he loved me etc, do the same with the other girl, though he only managed it for a few weeks or maybe months (not sure) before the guilt got to him. So, whatever this guy told you (that he liked you) may well been true. But the thing is, what this boils down to, is that it doesn't actually matter what goes on in his mind or what he thinks of you. He's just a cheating, lying sh*t who doesn't deserve too much brain energy. You are a decent young lady who deserves much better.
Sorry he took you for a ride. It's horrible, I know, and you were unlucky that this happened. If he contacts you, ignore, delete, block. Remind yourself how fortunate you are that you're not his girlfriend, be glad that you did your detective work (good on you) and I wish you all the best in moving on.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 I don't think the gf was as bad as he made her out to be. Men who cheat tend to demonize their wife / gf to justify their sordid actions. I think you were pleasant company and maybe provided good sex, while he was in this long distance relationship with his other gf.
Do you want to be with a man who lies and cheats and then justifies it with more lies? He's not a good man. If he calls you (and most likely he will when he's going through a dry spell), is this the kind of man you want to be with? He chose to be with his other gf over you. Get angry with him, so the next time he calls, you can tell him to take a flying leap. Men like that are a waste of time and emotion. You sound like a great girl who could do a lot better than this loser.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2013):
 you were that lovely warm body to fill the empty nights while his LDR GF was gone.
he may have liked you but he lied to you and his gf about you.
he cheated on her with you... he's a liar and a cheater.
if you delete his info and block him you never have to know if he tried to contact you....
that's what i would do delete and block his info and move on.
YOU did nothing wrong... he's the one who needs to be saying "my bad"
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