A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who never pays for her drinks when we go out to bars. She is the one that ussualy drives, so I always buy her first drink, but then she kind of assumes that the whole nite is on me. It happened already so many times, that I finally stopped offering her the second drink and would just inform her that I am going for next drink. She just stays put without attempting to buy herself a drink. But when a guy offers it to her she gladly takes it. I personally don't think that because she drives it's my obligation to "repay" her with a drink. I only offer it to her because I want to be thoughhtfull. I would never expect anyone to pay me for gas in form of a drink, or anything, really. Yesterday we went out with her again. This time not only I was driving, but also I had to pick her up from her house. It was completely out of my way and in the opposite direction from a place where we were going. When we get to the restaurant, we were told that it was ladies night, and all drinks are 2$. We got there very late, and only had one drink each, and then the restaurant was closing. When it was time to pay, she looked at the check, laughed and said she never had a $4 bill before. Then she says that at my birthday party i for some reason told her that i was going to buy her dinner, i cant remeber this because i was a little drunk, and i asked her does she remember the reason why all of a sudden i wanted to buy her dinner. She laughed, said nothing And then she pulls out 3$, looks at me and says: do you want me to pay for the whole thing? I put mine 3$ and we walked out. I couldn't believe of what happened. How do you even split that miserable amount with someone. Considering that every single time we are out when she drives I pay for her drink, she was completely oblivious to the fact that this time I was driving. So we goto the car, and on impulse I desided to tell her what I think about this whole situation with her. I started out by asking her opinion, should a person return a favour if she is bought a drink, should a person offer the same in return instead of just accepting drinks, returning nothing. She understood right away what I mean, and said that sheis on a budget, and she doesnt have to drink at all when she goes out, and if someone offers her a drink she will accept it, but it doesn't mean she needs to pay back. So, you are ok with me buying you drinks all the time and never doing the same for me, I asked her. She says, well, it goes without saying , if I am driving, then yes, you buy me a drink, because I spend my gas. I told her that I completely disagree with this, but also in case she didn't realize it I am the one who is driving today, and I couldn't help laughing at this moment, as this situation was getting absurd by the second. I told her also that she made me split with her a $4 bill today despite the fact that according To her it goes without saying who drives gets a free drink. Next stopover, she said she will buy my drinks. So we met another friend, and she did buy us all drinks. She looked upset during our conversation, and I felt bad in a morning for bringing it up. But the $4 bill situation just pissed me off. And also the frase about some weird promised dinner to her that I don't even remember. Couple years ago there was a situation with her, when she did a very small favour for me, but because she spent about an hour of her time, I invited her for lunch. She of course gladly agreed, and when we got there, despite the fact that I didn't order any alcohol, she ordered 2 sangrias ( and this is a person who doesn't have to drink), appetizer and a main course. I only had a salad. When the bill came I couldn't believe it, it was almost 70$. She ordered probably the most expensive dish in a menu, and her sangria was one third of the whole bill. The number I had in mind to pay for that lunch was max. $30. Because I never thought the non drinking person like her would order alcohol at a daytime. When we were on our way home yesterday she brought the subject again, and this time she gave me an example of one of her friends who always says that she wants to pick up a tab, but then in fact she really doesn't want to. I asked her why she lets her friend to always picks up a check. I asked her if she thinks it's normal and considerate to let your friend to pick up a tab instead of sharing the cost. I said, that I firmly believe if you have no intentions of paying back don't accept any monetary favours from anyone. In my eyes it's just very rude and frankly for me it means taking advantage of someone's kindness. O, she said, and that was it. We ended up talking very little the rest of the way. She looked ok, but not as lively as she ussualy is. When I woke up in a morning, I felt kind of bad about this whole evening. I felt that I upset her, and was questioning myself if I did the right thing by being so direct with her. My husband knowing my complains about her for a long time in this regard told me that he thinks I did the right thing by telling her, may be it will be a wake up call to her. He said he doesn't exactly approves the wording I ve choosen, but in general i did the right thing, and if she is smart person she will be ok with it and will learn from the experience.When I talked to the other girl that was with us that evening, she said she would never say anything like that, but simply would act in a way that woman would understand. I told her that I don't know how to act. I stopped offering her second rounds,what else I could do. She said, you could ve just let her pay that stupid $4 and just leave it at that. Any opinion?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Stop inviting her out with you, she is a freeloader not a friend and lacks social skills.
You cannot afford to pay for her and she will always take up the offer of free drinks or lunches. In future use public transport and go without her.
As its only once a month I doubt she will mind too much and just find other people to try it on with.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): For me it's not only the amount of $4 that was in question, it's the whole situation that made OP thinking about this friendship. Obviously, it's not about money, as we can't seriously talk about an importance of a few dollars, it's how that friend made it so important as to actually bring up the issue of "paying it all" , forgetting all previously bought drinks for her and the driving fact. It showed OP how her friends is self centered person who has double standards when it comes to in this case of driving and being reimbursed for that, but not when another person does the exact same thing for her. And how can you even deal with it in a future if obvious facts like that ignored? Basically you are dealing with sort of a social embecil. And this is a tough one. OP needed to explain to her friend something that lies on a surface. Lunch situation when her friend kept on ordering in excess shows one more time that there is a deeper problem than just extreme frugalness. It's a complete lack of knowledge how it works socially between friends in this case. What common sense for most people is not common sense for OP's friend. Most of the time she is looking for ways to pull a blanket on her side when she has a chance. She is offered free lunch: let's rack up the bill. She is driving: let's get reimbursed at least twice more of what the gas actually costs. OP blurted a frase about buying her drink being under influence of alcohol: let's remember that and few days later when there was time to pay a $4 check remind it to OP in hope that this will be covered also. Most friends don't act like that, in fact they act completely opposite. When they are offered lunch in exchange for a small favour they normally would refuse lunch at all, but if accepted would be modest about it. Most friends wouldn't expect to be reimbursed for things like driving, at least not on a regular basis. Most friends would remember that they are treated and would find an opportunity to treat back. This is how friendship works, in most cases. OP confronted her friend because at that point intuitively she understood that this can't continue that way anymore. Either she has a talk or she has to stop the friendship. This time it went too far. What followed is a lack of understanding from OP's friend. She did buy drinks for OP, but only under pressure, at least this is what it looks like. My opinion that this conversation needed to take place. Whether the wording was appropriate I don't know as I was not there. Now OP just needs to sit and wait. Most likely her friend will never change, but will adapt a certain new behavioral patterns that will accommodate both of them. She may be will pay more attention but only with OP, as she already knows how it is with her. It's up to OP to decide whether to continue friendship or not, but to my understanding this relationship is shattered.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 It’s like the straw the broke the camels back – splitting hairs over a bill with $2 drinks… Now that’s a cheapskate! Although as much as she could have been thoughtful and applied her own philosophy, you could have been more diplomatic!? After all she did say, you could of left her to pay the $4.00 and left it at that. Unfortunately it was a missed opportunity by you at the time to get some compensation.At the end of the day she may appear to you that she’s monetarily comfortable, but what you didn’t perhaps realise by her frugality; was that she is POOR – in friendship!?Had that been me; I would have said something by saying nothing… as I too would have missed the opportunity myself. But the penny would have dropped; that my friendship with her was one sided and not reciprocated fairly. As we all need a bit of appreciation etc. now and again.So I would ask myself is there anything else she does for me without her calculating, is she generous in other areas to compensate this lack of smarts? If not, the choice is yours whether you want to hang out with her in the future.Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): I'd agree that she seems to be taking advantage of your offers and doing very little in return, but as others have pointed out your offers to buy her drinks/meals etc are just that - offers. You know what she is like and that she isn't going to reciprocate, so your choices are either to accept it or stop making the offer. You can't force her to have the same opinion as you on this. She obviously doesn't feel she has to offer you a drink when you drive, so she doesn't. You should do exactly the same. She will be expecting drinks from you now since you have been offering so long and have never told her that it bothers you, so she is going along thinking you are happy to do it. Why would she think otherwise if you are offering? I think the problem is that this has been building up into an issue with you for quite a while and you have never said anything about it, so it all came out at once and maybe a bit harsher than what was necessary. But it's out there now and she knows how you feel so at least you can stop buying her things now without any question as to why.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (25 May 2013):
 She can stand and look at you and let you go ahead of her all she wants but that doesn't mean you have to pay for her. You pay your bill and when she turns to leave with you, you can say 'You forgot to pay your bill' in a non accusing tone, as if it were a genuine oversight on her part. Then make for the door without giving her time to drop any more hints.
People like her count on other people being too polite to say anything. If you have other friends I don't know why you associate with this one. In any event this matter is very easily dealt with. You request separate bills from the start, don't offer to buy her anything, be very sparing with any favours you do for her in the future. Ignore any hints. And when you do have something to say be direct and brief. You simply state your preference (or terms, as the case may be) and leave it at that. Don't ask her for her feedback. 'Driving doesn't mean you get a free night out.'
This woman coasts through life enjoying one freeby after another. Honestly, she's a parasite and I'd keep her at a distance, but do request separate bills with everyone else. That way people know what to expect from the start.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): I think the point that most people are making is that you can't rely on your actions to change the beliefs/actions of someone else.You don't think that's it fair that she drives you there and back each time and you feel that you have to buy her two drinks in return. When the situation is reversed you feel cheated that she didn't buy you even one drink. You can't control the attitude of someone else. You only have power over your own actions.If you don't want to buy her a drink then don't. If you don't want to take advantage of her offer to drive, then don't. If you don't want to buy her lunch then don't.Don't do things in the expectation that you will get repaid. It's a bit like when people buy an expensive gift for a friends birthday and then complain that they got something cheap in return. The attitude being 'I spent $xxxx on them and they only spent $xx on me, it's so unfair!' Live your life as you see fit and according to your morals, but don't expect everyone else to change themselves to suit you.Would I have said something if I was in that situation? Probably I would have, but I'd have done it before we went out or spoken to her in a more neutral setting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): Also I want to add as I missed the anon. answer. I think you missed the part when I said that the night I described with $4 was the the night that she was not driving, I was driving.So if you are saying that this is how it is supposed to be, then why she didn't pay this nite, but wanted me to go half and half on a bill? This is what actually brought up this whole conversation with her. She only sees the favours she does, but when it was exactly the same situation but with me driving, she didn't want to do the same as I did for years, instead she wants to split not even the whole drink but fraction of it. Also I stopped buying her second round ony recently. Before I didn't just buy her 1 drink, it was always 2. In US drinks are expensive, in some places with tip it can be as much as $10 for one. Actually to think about it, what I paid for her drinks this is what I would probably pay for a cab. So, the situation was far from equal. She spends few dollars on gas, she is in a car also, she is going to the same place, so sheis not spending anything extra. I on another hand is out of $20. Over few years that this situation was going on with us going out every month, I spend on her around 1000$ .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): This is OP. in response to the last answers: of course I didn't have to buy her drinks. But when we come to the bar, she kind of expects me to buy her a drink, you can see it how she stands and looking at me, letting me go ahead of her to the bar stand and so onAlso, may be it was missed, but last night I drove, and if she thinks this is how she repaid me for my drinks by driving, she should realize that now its her turn to repay me for driving. Driving situation changed but not her philosophy. I think also that I can expect my friends not to order the most expensive items on a menu and abandance of them plus drinks when I invite them and they know I will be the one that will be paying. She would never order that much especially drinks if she needed to pay, I know that a 100% . I had meals with her before, and usualy she is very frugal. Sometimes she orders only a cup of soup, but not that time when she knew I paid. She also would never order alcohol, she never does, but knowing that I was paying she went even for 2 drinks. That's a pure use in my eyes. Also,I just need to explain few things, as people seemed to rely on these facts when they answered. She is on a budget, but so everyone else. No one is rich and no one wants to spend loads of money when we are out. She is not poor. She is very comfortable otherwise in her life. She has a nice house, nice car, hobbies that cost quite a bit of money and no children.We don't go out more than once a month, and I know this for a fact that other than 3 of us, she never goes out with anyone else . If I knew she was very poor that would be a very different situation. I went out with people who just came to US from my home country, and I knew that they couldn't possibly ever repay me back, at least now as they are brand new and have literally nothing, and I didn't mind taking care of them and not expected anything back. She is far from that. She was born in US and lived for many years with a husband who made loads of money. She is divorced now and has a very comfortable life not even working and getting support from him that some people don't even get paid that much working full time. When she says she is on a budget, she wants to make an impression that she is very limited with her finances, but I know she is not judging by how she lives otherwise. The only time she displays her frugalness is when it's time for her to buy drinks for herself. To pay for a couple of drinks it's not going to put a hole in her budget. She just chooses not to. Why, if she has 2 good friends that pay for her and she can free loads of them. This mind set is what p^^^^d me off that nite and the fact that she split that tiny bill with me after me paying for her ALWAYS, no exclusion. So if she sees it like this that she is offering her driving in exchange for free drinks, why that night she didn't see it when it was the opposite situation and I was driving? My answer is because she ony does what is convenient for her. She didnt even notice when the situation changed because sheis used to the idea of free nights with us. Also for those who worry about her being designated driver and drinking. She never drinks much, 2 the most, and only when she is offered. Since I stopped buying her second drinks, she only has one. In US we don't have zero tolerance policy with drinking. The alcohol level needs to be below a certain point, that's all. we are out usually 3-4 hours. One drink is not going to make anyone even slightly buzzed considering amount of hours.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Look, from now on here is what you do. Stop over thinking things and thinking that one thing means another and so on. If you buy her a drink it does NOT mean she buys you a drink. You know that much by now. So, after each action there is no following action. Get it? You buy her a drink, and there is no obligation to do either this or that. So if you can't afford to buy her a drink when she drives you, don't buy her a drink.
And if you take someone out to lunch, expect that it will cost you a lot. Don't take an unseen bill unless you can actually afford it and with good will. If you were thinking of paying 30 dollars then just give her the money instead and then ask if she'd like to join you for lunch. Really, it's that simple. But you got to stop thinking everyone can read your mind and will be "polite" in what is essentially only YOUR opinion of what is polite. She doesn't have the same line of thought as you do, so STOP expecting her to think the way you do already. You know what she's like, so why do you keep expecting her to be different? Not going to happen. Adjust instead.
Btw, if she's driving she shouldn't be drinking, are you guys nuts? Driving drunk, and you actually want to catch a lift with her? It sounds insane to me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 I think it's simply a matter of going by different codes.
I was raised too in the belief that you never accept inviations that you are not able or willing to reciprocate. If somebody invites you for dinner at their house, then it's IMPLIED that sooner or later, and sooner rather than later, you have to do just the same for them, and so on.
But, in time, I found out that plenty of people don't see it this way. It's like, nobody held you at gun point to make you buy me dinner or drinks, you did because you CHOSE too. If you don't want to do it,- just simply don't do it, but do not have expectations on what I should be doing.
Which, I suppose, it's not an illogical point of view.
Plus, you have to consider that the punctual, polite tit-for-tat worked better when society was much more closed and omogenous and people always ended up mingling with people just like them in age, income, status, social clas etc.
But things have gotten more fluid. For instance , I have got both richer friends who have invited me for weekends in their seaside villas or country homes, and younger, pennyless wannabe actors/artists that live in 6 in a small flat.
How am I going to "go even " with the luxury invitations , since I don't own any fancy weekend place ? how the younger set can reciprocate and offer me a nice dinner at home when they don't even have a proper table to put food on ?
The idea - always assuming that you don't deal with rabid, natural born moochers- is that everyone offers what they can and reciprocate how they can, as long as they do.
I have reciprocated by helping and doing favours in many different ways, and I have received on turn help and favours in many different ways, and so far , all in all, it has worked.
I guess your friend assumption , right or wrong, is : I am broke and you know it. I don't DEMAND things, but if you offer I'll gladly take them. My way to compensate this dislivel , and not being a total freeloader, is to offer you rides back and forth, and saving you,this way, the inconvenience of driving, the wear and tear of your own car, and the cost of gas. And/ or, as another poster pointed out , a lot of money in cab fares.
Of course , this works IF everybody thinks it's fair and nobody feels taken advantage of. If you prefer to split the bills exactly in half, or, even better, that each one pays exactly what they have ordered , that's fine too, and far from unreasonable.
But, in this case, a friend on a tight budget ( and normally designate driver too ) is perhaps not your best choice as your drinking buddy.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Hi
Designated drivers should be different every outing, that way the person who's turn it is stays sober and the rest drink.
If you all get a cab,tube or bus home then everyone stands their round or pays for their own drinks, however you pre-arranged beforehand.
When we go for meals we all put the same money in a kitty so the bills covered at the end of the night
Maybe you should give her petrol money as she saves you paying for transport, then each buy your own drinks. She sounds like she wants to be out but can't really afford to be and thinks by driving she does a big favour and so has her night paid for.
It's out in the open now you've said something so hopefully things will improve.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (25 May 2013):
 She's a freeloader and you were right to bring it up. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said and I definitely prefer it over your other friend's strategy.
However, even if I don't agree with her principle, she's not entirely wrong. If you buy something for someone, unless you've agreed beforehand that the next drink is on them, you can't expect that they do buy the next one, even though most friends would actually return the favour. In the end, you chose to buy that drink. What I'm trying to say is, stop buying things for her. You don't need to.
Money talk is awkward. I've made a mess of some discussions about it but I also think it's important to learn to be open about it. So good on you for taking about it to her.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 The way my friends and I are, if we go out for dinner and I pay cool but the next time we go to dinner they pay. If we go out for drinks I'll offer one or two and they'll offer me one or two.
We are always repaying each other. What your "friend" is doing is completely rude and inconsiderate. She doesn't think she has to pay you back for her racking up a $70 dollar dinner? That's ridiculous. Her not wanting to pay a $4 bill is also ridiculous. What the hell is her problem? I wouldn't have paid anything for her. I wouldn't go out with her anymore period.
If she is that much on a budget where she is drinking off of you, getting dinner off of her other friend and you and she won't pay anyone back because she can't afford it, then she shouldn't be going out at all. She can stick to water.
Your blowup was a long time coming and at least she knows how you feel now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): Thank you all very much for your opinions. Regarding separate check: it's not a situation when we sit down at the table , it's mostly we go to a bar and buy our drink there. There is no actuall check, we pay as we go. And yesterday, knowing that drinks are 2$ I couldn't possibly ask for separate check with this microscopical amount. You are right , this situation had to be dealt with, and this is what I did, and I hope we will stay friends after that, because other than this quality she is a very nice person. It will be a little tough for me to get over the fact that she takes when she is offered without even thinking that she needs to pay back. I don't think friends should treat each other like this. She also has her mind set with going out and paying nothing that night, and just see if someone will take care of her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): To be honest with you, I don't think that it's too much to buy her a drink when she is giving you a lift there and back. I personally would be happy to do that for her as it would ultimately save me a lot of money in taxi fares, plus gas does cost money so she is paying in her own way. But anyway, since this is an issue for you the simple solution is to stop offering her any drinks. Go to the bar for your own drinks and let her buy her own as and when she wants them. That goes for meals or anything else too. But to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if you have to start getting your own transport to these bars in future. I personally wouldn't be happy with a friend who expects me to ferry her about for free but begrudges paying for a drink in return. Seems like a bit of a double standard to me.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 May 2013):
I agree with your husband that you did the right thing but I would have chosen different words. You can complain forever about her but you were the one (as well as others) who allowed her to continue that pattern. Just let her pay her own share or split the bill, simple as that, no problems. It's not use in trying to be right or bringing up the past, just let it go and let her learn from now.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (24 May 2013):
I wouldn't follow the advice of the other woman friend who was present, since she simply relies on others to sense her thoughts. You can't control how people interpret your actions, but you can control what you say.
The friend in question said herself that she doesn't actually need to drink when she goes out. So, if she doesn't need to drink, then you obviously don't need to buy her any.
What you could do is request seperate bills from the start. That makes it very clear right from the get go that each person is responsible for their own food and beverages. Then, if you want to, you could say to the designated driver 'your first drink is on me.' By 'drink' I mean something non alcoholic since the DD should be sober.
Start the way you mean to continue so don't lead with favours. As you've seen, people will assume that if you act like you owe them, it will be easier for them to assume you owe them. Favours are what you once in a while and well into the future after you have established the ground rules.
What's done is done. Not my ideal way of handling it, but far from a catastrophe. You weren't wrong and your friend was presumptuous. The situation needed to be dealt with and it was. Don't bring it up again, not even to apologize or soften the blow. If you act like it was the most normal thing in the world, it will be easier for others to treat it that way too. Now forget about it.
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