A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my fiancee.. I cheated on my fiancee, the woman I love and have been with for four years, with a girl I didn't even know. I have no idea why I did it. I was at a party drinking heavily and met this girl who started flirting with me right off the bat. I am in no way blaming this on the girl or the alcohol just to let you know. The girl also has a boyfriend. I feel like the worst human being in the world, it made me physically sick the day after when I thought about it. I didn't think I was capable of doing something like this. I love my fiancee so much, I could never imagine myself with anyone else. It's that kind of love that is so strong that it makes you ill to think of life without her. I love everything about her. I guess the real reason I did it was because I suspected her of cheating on me (we live in different cities right now). But I don't want to lose her.However, I don't think I can get over my guilt, it is eating me up inside. I can't tell her because I know what the result will be. But I don't think I can live with myself.....I don't know how to go on. I am crying my eyes out while I type this. It all feels like some horrible nightmare. Has anyone else out there been in this situation, what did you do to? I always wondered why guys do things like this, never in a million years pictured myself being one of "those assholes". Why did I let this happen? I don't know why I am typing, I just have no other way of venting or anyone to talk to about it. I wish I had a time machine or that this was just a bad dream, I hate myself, I am a horrible person.......sorry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): I know exactly how you feel, I love my boyfriend so much but i stupidly cheated on him with someone that has a girlfriend and they have recently broke up because she found out, me and my boyfriend are still together because i cant bare the thought of living without him but everyday i feel so guilty i recently went on holiday and thats all i could think of. i need help too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Did you (or in the case of your fiacee's suspected cheating) have sex? What exactly happened? Maybe she would not consider something short of sex (kissing, making out) as cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I know what you're going through. I cheated on my fiance awhile back, and we are getting married in a couple weeks. I chose not to tell him, because I knew he would leave me. The guilt is awful, but on the other hand, if he had/has cheated on me, by this point I'd rather not know about it. So make sure she can't find out. I'm just trying to focus on the future. And forgive myself. That's all you can do, if you chose not to tell, and make damn sure it doesn't happen again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Wow... All I can say is that I never needed advice more in my life than at this point. I am 24 years old. I met my fiance exactly a year ago and we were friends at first. I was just getting over a relationship where the man broke up with me after me moving halfway around the country for him. I met my fiance 3 months after the breakup. To be honest, I only liked him as a friend at first then I started to fall for him. He is the sweetest man ever, treats me like gold values me and is everything I could ever want.../ BUT there is always a but huh...In the area of sex he cannot last or fulfill me sometimes. I have been trying to be so supportive of him in that area even though I get frustrated. After 4 months of dating I went on a trip with an old friend. We were childhood friends and I ended up sleeping with him. we used protection and it meant absolutely nothing to me. I felt horrible for what I did. My flesh made me feel as though I were not thinking and I just wanted to feel wanted. I have issues with that. I came back and literally forced myself to forget it happened. My heart was not in it in any sense of the word. I have never done anything to hurt my fiance than what he doesn't know.... he thinks I am perfect.. I do everything in the world for him because the fact of the matter is I do love him and I want to be there for him forever... I just don't know if this is possible now. Wait.. it gets worse. :( months passed by... I stayed faithful I never wanted anything with anyone else.. I was on cloud 9 happy with him. I was thinking of ways to help him in school, and he is ilegal so I knew that being married would help him finally become legal and work legally. It's hard to believe but this man means everything to me. So last week.... The worst thing ever happened. I know feel doomed.,. gulity is an understatement and I don;t know what to do... I am so crushed. Last week I asked my fiance (we have been engaged for 6 weeks) if he wanted to do it in the back deat of my car. I love sex and I have a stronger drive then him. He declined me. I felt horrible, unwanted and went to see a friend of mine to go bowling. It happened . The whole time I knew I should turn around but me desire to be satisfied was uncontrolable. After that me and my fiance saw a sex therapist. I realize just how much a really love hime more than ever... He doesn;y know and has told me several times that he would not forgive cheating. So now,,, I am truly lost, scared, guilty, regretful, and every other feeling that can come from holding in a lie from someone who loves me and I love. I am one hundred percent sure I want to be with him forever.... I can control myself knowing what I want and being able to express feelings to him so that he can keep me satsfied. The other friend mean nothing and let me stress nothing to me at all. Here comes a huge catch. we got legally married yesterday without him knowing what I did. I did this to help him become legal if not I should have waited until out covenant marraige next year// What should I do? I am being pulled both ways... #1 learn from this, forgive myself and start new now that we are married and make a vow to myself and God (which I have done) to never do this again ever... for as long as we live.. But can that work? Will the guilt eat me a live and not let us have the realtionship I have always wanted with him? #2 Tell him what I did.. I know he will leave me, he will never look at me the same or realize and beileve that it was a problem I had that I have dealth with, that I love him and that I want to make it up to him by laking him the happiest man on earth and I know I can... I really do it every day. #3 walk away and end it without telling him why so It doens't really hurt him.. I don't want to hurt him or myself anymore but more HIM. this is the worst feeling in the whole world. Please someone help. I am at odds with the toughouest decision I have ever made. We are legally married now.. Help please. Shold I get in annulled without telling him? Is there still time? Thank you... from the bottom of my heart
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): why do you cheat don't you know it only hurts someone----especially some one that you say you care for so much. is one night screwing someone really worth evrything elese. how do you expect forgivesness if the shoe was on the other foot you know you would have walked away. this coming from someone who just found out the the man she's spent the last 5 years with-----the man of her two kids just cheated on herr
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Hi, I am exactly in your position. I love my fiancee with all my heart and I am crying my eyes out right now too...it just makes me feel a little better that I am not alone. I am horrible. I'm scared to death of losing him and I'm also scared of going to hell for knowing that it is wrong to lie and enter a sacred marriage with this lie(I don't know if you're religious or not)I cheated on him and have kept it from him for months but I am scared to tell him because I know I will lose him. Even if he was to take me back, I don't think it would ever be the same between us. And to tell him right now when everything is so perfect between us (except for this guilt of mine).It was a mistake and I know it will never happen again, but I feel horrible for keeping this from him while he sits there and thinks I'm perfect. I don't know what to do either...some people just don't understand that you can love someone with all your heart but just have a weak moment and screw it up for no reason...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Yes it's hard to tell the truth and people say they don't want to tell their significant other because it will hurt them to much. But in all reality - those people are the cowards because they aren't really looking out for the other person, they are only looking out for themselves. They don't want to deal with any consequences that may arise based on their behaviors
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): I know it's hard, but you owe it to her, yourself, and the love that you share to tell her the truth. You need to let her be the one that decides what the outcome, she deserves that. If your love is as true as you say, then she may want to work through your infidelity. Good luck, I hope you do decide to do the right thing and tell your fiance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): I happened to do the same thing. I know that if I were to tell my partner, that he would be so hurt, deeply, not just for a week & get over it, even if he did break up with me, but truly hurt. I choose not to tell him, and I will forever live with the guilt, on a daily basis. and that is my punishment, for the rest of my life - for the mistake I made, but I choose to love him, and make my life about him, and try to be the best damn person that I could be for him. Even if I did make a mistake. I will make it up to him. I do understand the mentality for telling the partner, however, I love him so much, I wonder if I would want him to tell me if he cheated... I dont' think I would want to know....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): If you love your fiancee like you said you do, the common question is...why'd you do it? Drunk? But you remembered what happened? Come clean with it. Tell her.
Suspected your fiancee of cheating on you? Ask her. Instead of assuming she is, ask her. If your doubting yourself about her answer, do some work, investigation.
You need to face the consequences of what you've caused. The girl you slept with may be pregnant. Have you thought about that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): You won't get over the guilt - my finance done the same thing to do me and we split up over it and to this day he's still feeling guilty and chews himself up over it!!
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A
male
reader, Dr. John  + ♥, writes (5 March 2007):
 I can only imagine what you are going through.
The fact remains that you did something you knew you shouldn't and now you concience is gnawing at you.
Aparently you do have a concience, which most people nowadays lack.
The problem is that your concience is not quite as well trained as it should be.
Hence the thing you should do to start healing the wound.
The medicine you need to take may have a horrible taste to it but in most cases it is what you need to make you better.
In this case it is coming clean with your girl and hoping she cares enough about you to stick around.
You sound like a person that will eventually tell her anyway so I would recommend you tell her the first chance you get. If you wait it will compound the problem and she will be even more likely to back out of the relationship with you. Then go from there. I hope it works for you. Doc.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): personally, i think you don't deserve her. Infact i think you should stop having relationships all together. i mean, if you can't even trust you girlfriend, then brother, you need some serious counselling. once you've mastered your trust issues, go ahead and try again. Good luck and Peace out...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): I know exactly what you are going through. Did the same thing last night, but to my husband. I hate myself. I have been crying all day. I told him and he just went to bed to sleep. I feel like I am dying inside. I am so ashamed of myself and feel totally worthless. I hate that I did it, I hate that I hurt him. I had no reason to do it. I love my husband and am so happy in my relationship with him. Now I don't know what is going to happen. If I will lose my marrage because I am a horrible selfish drunk. Who thinks of noone, but them self. I just feel like dying
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 March 2007):
I have good news and I have bad news. Lets start with the bad news, most of which you already know, but I will spell it out for you to make it clearer, and then I will try give you some options to go forward.
You have cheated on your girlfriend, so to sum up your problems:
1. You have broken the trust of your partner, and put your relationship at risk.
2. You have done the wrong thing for yourself and your love for your partner, and feel ashamed and guilty.
3. You have done something which you didn't consider to be within your capabilities, and have therefore contradicted your previous perception of who you are, or your idealized version of who you want to be.
4. You are insecure in your relationship because you suspected your partner of cheating on you, so you have trust issues with her in addition to having broken her trust.
These problems have implications for you, and your relationship, depending on what you choose to do.
Here is the good news.
You can re-earn your partner's trust. You can solidify your relationship. You can forgive yourself for your mistake and replace your guilt and shame with love and self worth. You can accept the person you have been in the past, and learn to not judge yourself based on your mistakes, and can go on to be the person you want to be and choose to be by learning from your mistakes and using this knowledge to not want to repeat them. You can communicate with your partner to build trust in the future, trust you need from her and trust you will need to give her.
So what are the chances of you being able to do all of these things? Well, some of them good, the ones you are in control of, the others not so good. Here's what I think gives you your best shot at happiness and the best outcomes.
For you:
You need to accept that you made a mistake, and that it was you who did it, and take responsibility for it. I think you have already done this, that is one of the reasons you are upset an feeling guilty. If you accept the idea that you don't have to define yourself by this mistake, and that you can choose to be something else from here on in, you can allow youself to forgive yourself and love yourself. This is important to resolve your feelings of shame and guilt. It is ok that you never thought that you would be "one of those guys" and that it turned out to be true. If you can learn to not judge yourself (and others) and take it as a big lesson, you can use it to really choose who you want to be in the future.
For your relationship: You cannot control the outcome of your relationship from here. If you choose to not tell her, you create further lies and deceit, you will not be able be yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, and you will not resolve your trust issues because the truth will be you are still not trustworthy. At an unconcious level, you will both know. If you choose to tell her, you can open your heart and seek relationship councelling or do whatever you and her think is best, and move forward. Sometimes the relationship survives, sometimes it does not. What you are worried about is that, if you tell her, you will lose her. Unfortunately, that may be the case, and you can't control how she feels, if she will be willing to trust you again, etc, but I think it is still your best option. The option of truth and love and respect is always the right one, you might not get everything you want (in other words, the relationship), but you will be able to be ok for the rest of your life. There is no point in keeping the relationship through living a lie and not be ok for the rest of your years because you are living with that lie. Not everyone will agree with me here, but that is my opinion on the matter.
You will need to decide what you believe, and choose from here.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AskEve  + ♥, writes (5 March 2007):
 Why do you suspect her of cheating on you? What makes you think this way? You seem genuinely sorry about this and I would usually say to come clean about it and be honest. But in this case I'm going to say the opposite. You were steaming drunk! Now I'm not condoning what you did, it was very wrong but you already know that or you wouldn't be feeling so bad about it. Your saving grace is the fact you both live in different cities just now so I would forget about this, put it totally out of your mind. The more you think about it the worse you're going to feel so just block it out and move on.
Let it be a lesson to you in the future though. DON'T drink to the point where haven't all your faculties about you. I get the impression the reason you got so drunk is because you felt sorry for yourself and thought she might be cheating on you. First of all you need to sort out this niggling feeling you have about your girlfriend NOT being faithful. Talk it over with her and get to the bottom of it. Once that's sorted then I suggest you try to sort out the distance problem. Is there no way you could move to be with her?
Eve
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