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I cheated on my fiance and am looking at others because of the lack of sex in our relationship

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 July 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 15 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Looking for advice...

I'm marrying my fiancé next year whom I've been with for 9 years. We've had our ups and downs over the years and he's not had much time for me over the past couple of years as he's been studying on top of his full time job. Things have been particularly difficult over the past 2 years as a result as he's often chosen to spend time with other people rather than me.

At a work event last week I slept with a work colleague; we both wanted to sleep with one another and agreed it was a one-off as he's also got a girlfriend.

The thing is my fiancé and I have so little sex that my thoughts are wandering and now sleeping with someone else has made me want more, of course with my fiancé but also with other people.

I love my fiancé and can't imagine my life without him however the lack of intimacy and sex is pushing me away.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

Don't get married. No one ever wants to talk about sexual incompatibility but it is one of the biggest killers of relationships. If you marry this man before you fix your problem you and he will regret it.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States + , writes (14 July 2017):

Dear Cupid is full of relationships with insufficient communication about sexual needs. What's the deepest conversation you've had with him about this topic, and how long ago was it?

I don't like telling you this but it appears he has lost interest in you, at least sexually. Assuming he is around your age (stated as 30-35), he should still be horny and sexually aggressive. But he's choosing to spend time with other friends and is not very sexually interested in you. Is he masturbating or having an affair? These are things you need to consider.

The outlook for a happy marriage is definitely not good and you need to delay this until things get sorted out. Not just promises, but an established history of him showing you the attention you need. It is time to have "The Talk" with him. Tell him that you are not satisfied sexually and need more of his time. Studying is great but not at the expense of a relationship if he truly treasures the one he has with you. Good luck with this and don't hesitate to get on DQ for additional advice, especially as things evolve and this plays itself out.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (14 July 2017):

Garbo agony auntThere is no such thing as "one-off" in cheating. Nor does the fact that he has a GF absolve you of cheating any less. People do not have much sympathy for cheaters... not just because "one-off" is one too many but because they want to cheat again. And you admit that.

I need not dump more scorn on you. Others have done it well. But, you've created a situation where there is not much hope for your marriage. Suppose you decide to keep your mouth shut and go with the marriage: how many one-off's until you get caught and ruin the marriage? It isn't just the guilty conscience but the lies you will dish out to your poor husband (to be).

Suppose you tell him. Marriage may break down... or even if he forgives you we go back to the one-off's dilemma because there were no consequences in the forgiveness.

The best choice may be to just call off marriage and don't make any vows unti you learn how to stay monogamous, thick through thin, in a relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2017):

You can imagine your life without him. Otherwise you would not have slept with someone else, because you know that is a deal breaker, yet your life with him is not so important to you as you might tell yourself. Your actions reveal what you truly want. All you have to do is stop telling yourself lies about whether you can or not live without anither person. Which of course you can. You do not depend on your fianceè to be happy with your life. Your life will carry on, whether you end the relationship or not. He has little to no impact on your life, honestly. You control everything yourself. If you are unhappy, you need to make the right adjustments in your life to be happy. Not pass blame on him.

If he's checked out of the relationship and is neglecting it, no wonder you do the same, but I think you both know that such neglect of a relationship is a symptom of it's end.

Don't do what so many people do, and marry him thinking it will change your relationship. Or marry him because you think it needs to be done after all these years. Your heart and head is not screaming for him and to marry him. On the contrary, he chooses to spend time away from you, and you choose the arms of another man. This is a relationship that is done and over with, and you're just hanging on in pure spite. There is no point in marrying each other. You do not want one another any more. But you hang on because you invested all this time, and you feel like all the years would be wasted or something. You are also so used to having him there, so settled in your ways, that you fear being alone. You don't fear being without HIM specifically. You just fear being on your own.

If you say you can not imagine life without him, try this thought game that has been very helpful to me when deciding whether to stay in a relationship, or call it quits: Imagine you break up, and then you find another man. This other man is everything you ever hoped for, smart, sexy, handsome, takes good care of you and you are totally head over heels in love with him. Now compare. Who do you want? Do you want mr. imaginative who you CAN meet, if you are single? Are you able to IMAGINE being happy again with him? Or, do you still want your current man and the relation ship as it is now?

If you still want your current man, over the opportunity to be happy and in love with someone else, then stick by the relationship. If you in fact CAN IMAGINE life as happy and amazing WITHOUT your current man, then perhaps it's time to call it quits. All the signs of an ended relatiionship is there, the writing is on the wall. You are only holding on because you think you have to, but you don't. No one will blame you for calling it off and not marrying him next year.

Better to break up now, than to hang on by another year, get married, and then get divorced. Especially when you now KNOW how things are, and you subconciously want out. Do yourself a favour and listen to your own actions and your own inner voice.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (14 July 2017):

judgedick agony auntUnless he is ok with a hot wife, I would say end it with him now and start over in a new relationship, looks like you have grown apart, Cheating is not the way to go, you need to tell him about this and see if he wants to try help put things right in the relationship now, don't go into a marriage with lies.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 July 2017):

You've slept with someone else. Then you justified it by saying it was because of the lack of sex in your relationship. So when you get married, I guess cheating continues?

You should call-off the engagement and try to remain friends. Unlikely! If you think you'll get-away with cheating and still retain trust within your relationship; that is quite unlikely too. You've betrayed his trust. You didn't really have a good reason and I doubt you'd approve of your fiance cheating on you for any reason.

Life's rule is what goes around comes around! Nobody escapes the principle of cause and effect!

You can't imagine him not being in your life. So, you can dip outside the relationship, and have your cake and eat it too? Why would you marry someone you'd cheat on, and will likely do it again? Your love really isn't strong enough to endure a full-fledged marriage, if you've already cheated.

Trust and commitment is what bonds marriages together.

That's not how commitment works. You don't go seek what you want elsewhere; if you don't have it with the person you claim to be committed to. Even if you never get caught; you're living a lie, my dear. Life comes full-circle and betrayal finds it's way back to you. That's karma! Better hope your coworker doesn't have a guilty-conscience and spill his guts to his girlfriend. She just might inform your fiance! A scorned-female can turn the world upside-down!

You're giving him no choice. Taking advantage of his blindness. You may as well cross your fingers behind your back and wink, when you take your wedding vows.

You're going in with the attitude that "the lack of intimacy and sex is pushing me away." You're just trying to downplay the fact you've cheated; instead of just coming clean with your mate and ending the engagement. In spite of the deception, it's not likely it will last until you do get married next year. You've already explained why even the engagement isn't working out. It took him nine long years to ask. That's a long wait before taking the next step. Seems like a "we might as well" move on his part. Either that, or there is a kid or two in the mix.

Remember, he's pushing you away. Perhaps he's doing it on purpose. He's a good candidate to get cold-feet at the last minute. Being locked in matrimony to someone who wants sex and you don't isn't very promising.

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A female reader, Miss.Cupid United States +, writes (13 July 2017):

Miss.Cupid agony auntAt the end of the day sex really is what keeps a relationship stronger. However, sex with the person you're with and not other people. How can you say you can't see your life without him if you have just now slept with someone completely different and made you want more.

You're not wrong for going somewhere else when you're not happy. But at the end of the day you have to not only look at your needs but also his. You've been together for 9 years and have not yet tied down. Maybe you guys are all you know?

but do you really want to live your entire life wanting more from someone who doesn't give it. I think that maybe you should move on and enjoy yourself, you obviously love sex. so why not??? why not go out there be single and have fun and not drag someone along that doesn't quite want that.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (13 July 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntWhy are you getting married if commitment means nothing to you? Why don't you just tell your fiancee that you screwed a co-worker because you and he both wanted to and it was a one off thing, so no biggie? After all, that's what you told us.

You're so callous about it, I'd be surprised if you've ever actually discussed the lack of sex with your fiancee, let alone tell him that if he didn't pay more attention to you, you'd find someone who would. The bottom line is that you wanted to have sex with your co-worker and it wouldn't have mattered how good your sex life was with your fiancee, you would've done it anyway.

My advice to you is don't get married.

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom + , writes (13 July 2017):

MissKin agony auntHow callous and heartless and thoughtless of you both to agree it is only a "one time thing" like that is any justification for what you did.

Cheating is cheating.

Leave your fiance if he isn't giving you what you want. He deserves better and you both need to find happiness elsewhere.

You should have ended it with him if you decided cheating was the right thing to do on this situation.

Do not marry this man.

By all means talk to him and see if he is open to you sleeping with other people. If not. There's your answer.

If you marry him without disclosing your infidelity and without his knowledge of who you really are and what you want then you are trapping both of yourselves in a life of unhappiness. What's the point??

Own up and let him decide how he wants to live his life and if it doesn't give you what you want then set him free.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2017):

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your partner. You're about to spend the rest of your lives together and intamacy is important. If you can't be open and honest then you are building a house on cracked foundations.

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