A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop feeling second best?I met my boyfriend through online dating. I was on the rebound and he seemed ideal in many ways but mainly because he had no kids (former relationships had Young kids and the restrictions that brings) Very quickly we were spending a lot of time together and justo 2 or 3 months in he made it clear he was falling for me. He took me to meet his friends and family who told me that he always talks about me and I started to get feelings for him.One evening after 2 months together I noticed he took his mobile phone to the toilet with him and was in their a while, as he didn't usually do that I asked him why when he came out. He reluctantly admitted he was in there emailing another woman who he works with. He passed it off saying they were only friends and that she has now gone back home to her native Poland.Something didn't feel right so a few weeks later I looked on his mobile and found emails between them all of which were during the first 2 months we were together and in one message he told her she is the 'perfect woman, that she's beatiful, intelligent, funny' etc and I also found out that he took her on a date the day after I met him and then came to see me after. I confronted him without letting on what I knew but asked him to show me the messages himself which he begrudgingly did. After much discussion he finally admitted he wanted to be more than friends with her but she went back to Poland after 2 months of us being together. He said he didn't know which one of us he wanted to be with. I now do not trust him and despite him denying he kissed or had sex with her I'm not sure I believe it. He admitted that even though he had started seeing me if she had offered sex he would have and sees nothing wrong with that because he 'didn't know how things would go' with me.So now I can't get over the feeling I am second choice simply because she went back to Poland. And his words about being the perfect woman eat away at me. On a night out a month ago with his friends he called me by his exes name, I felt so humiliated and his friends felt awkward after that. He's told me that almost 2years on from their break up he's still hurt. Between his ex and this polish woman I feel second best
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSageoldguy your comment was not at all helpful and actually made me feel worse than I already did. Many polish women who live in the uk are actually prostitutes so I think that makes English girls the better choice. Everyone else who responded thank you for your input. Yes I would agree that he did emotionally cheat on me during those first couple of months and I guess I will never know how far things did or didn't go with that polish woman. We got full on very quick, spent a lot of time together right from the start, things got physical within 2/3 weeks and that's probably why this hurts because I thought all that meant something. It has only been him for me from the start but he was obviously keeping his options open. I do feel like I'm living in the shadow of his ex (split 2 years ago) and I've had that in my last 2 relationships also, men seem to have trouble moving on. He tells me he loves me daily and is affectionate and wants to live with me but I can't get these doubts out my head.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 I'm telling you... those Polish women are unbeatable. Sophia Loren, Gina Lolabrigida, Diana Rigg, Brigette Bardot.... they PALE in comparison to Polish babes....
Count your blessings that you came in "Number 2".....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 I say it depends on how serious you were after two months. Were you just dating, seeing each other now and then? Had you already had sex together or not? Did you have the talk about being exclusive? When it comes to online dating I feel it is common to date several simultaneously, just because you get in touch with so many at the same time. Just like if you were at a single's party, where you'd meet several "opportunities" at the same time, so it's impossible to rule out early on who's the right pick for you.
I think after two months, you were probably serious enough for this to constitute as emotional cheating. However, everyone moves at different speeds, and unless you were BOTH clear on how you stood after these two months, then I don't see how it should matter, really. Besides him being a man-whore willing to sleep with anything that moves, but a lot of men are trained into acting that way, so if you're going to rule out all men who'd say no to sex with a hottie when then are single, just because they "might" have something going on with another woman, you will find that the pool of fish is drastically reduced.
It's one thing to be a cheater and be in a relationship and then want to sleep with other women. It's quite another to be dating someone, not yet sure if it's going to go anywhere, still being single and wanting to sleep with a woman...
Of course it's not the romantic tale we all like to hear, about how he fell for you at the first glance, but it's reality. Feelings take time to develop, and after two months, if you weren't official and exclusive, then don't give a shit about what he pursued or didn't pursue. No one likes to hear the truth about this mind process when someone tries to decide if they want to be with someone or not, because unless they are in love, the choice isn't easy.
NOW, however, he is in love. And his choice NOW is easy. He wants you. You're all he can talk about, think about, you're all he wants. But back then, when he didn't know you, didn't know where things were going, and there were other women he'd met at the same time as you... I don't think it's so hard to imagine why he did what he did. However, it's your call whether to give him a chance or not. This might be a deal breaker for you, or it might just be something that leaves you feeling iffy. I say, when in doubt, don't buy. So if you're feeling unsure, take a step back and give this some time before you make your decision.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 If he could manage to pull that after 2 months you were not technically official then he did nothing wrong. It just leaves a sour taste in your mouth. You were either exclusive at that point, or not. "Not knowing where it goes," I am afraid was just a cop out. It doesn't change the fact that he would not call you the perfect woman. He can't do that now even if he feels you are because it would sound forced and contrite.
You don't simply just want a man who technically didn't do anything wrong (even in this case that could be debated). You want a man who sees you as first and final choice. Since you two were on the rebound I would say take some time being single, then date again. In the next relationship don't look at a guy's mobile. Strive to have the kind of relationship that you could talk about everything and trust each other. If you feel a man has something to hide express that and let him tell you on his own choice. Then decide if you want to be a man who talks to you versus hiding things from you. Don't force the truth out of anyone.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 January 2015):
 I don't think it's so much as "second best" as it is that he was not over her and wasn't ready for a relationship. Not only that, but the really disturbing thing is that he would have slept with her simply because he wasn't sure "how things were going to go" with you. That in itself would be a dealbreaker for me to hear no matter how far into the relationship we were.
He cheated on you, even if it was emotionally, and he lied to you about who he emailed. He hid ongoing communication from you and he said things to her that would have had him through the roof had it been you talking with another guy like that.
My advice, and it's really simple, is that you should NOT get over that feeling, and what you should get over is HIM. He has a real disrespectful and immature view on what a relationship is, and the way he treated the two of you as disposable, not to mention he would have had sex with her and put you at risk for an STI due to multiple partners is deplorable.
You and he didn't have a declared "no strings attached" friends with benefits understanding going on, and that in my opinion means that when things get sexual, that means that there should be exclusivity. For him to play fast and lose with sex like that is a massive red flag. Guys like that tend to run off and cheat whenever relationship conflict occurs because it's in them to justify their selfishness. A guy like him would even have the gall to blame YOU for the cheating or the flirting or the other behavior, as if your shortcomings are why he ran out and humiliated you.
A month ago when he called you by his ex's name, there's only one reason why he would do that, and that is that he's still in contact with her and she's on his mind.
Drop this waste of space. Guys who have real hearts and are real men are one-woman kind of men.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (22 January 2015):
Try and figure out if he really likes you. If you don't feel comfortable, i think you should move on. I am sorry. But it just does not seem like he is ready to completely be with you. If he is, you need to know it up front. You deserve to be with someone who wants you no matter what the choice.
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