A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I absolutely know that I cannot stay with my husband. We are near divorce and there are things I cannot tolerate about him. However, I still ache, I still miss the good stuff....and honestly word of his new relationship is killing me. I have emotions festering that I did not know existed. How is it possible that I do not want to be with him....but I feel rejection, jealousy and heartache right now. And honestly, I want to be close to him. I am overcome with turmoil. Why? I did not expect this feeling, I thought I had this...I thought I was ready.
View related questions:
divorce, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (26 October 2018):
 You are grieving for the lost dreams and plans, even possibly for the person you originally fell in love with (assuming you loved him at the beginning). And, as you say, you are missing the good times.
You don't really want to be with him; you are just afraid to be WITHOUT him. Despite his faults, he is familiar. He has become a habit. His new relationship is just further confirmation your relationship is over and you are feeling afraid to shut the door completely, despite your logical self knowing it can't work.
This is a time to do all the things you have always wanted to do but never got round to. Get that new hair cut. Move to a different area. Take up new hobbies. Make new friends. Look up old friends with whom you have lost touch. Take evening classes. Find a new job. What do you WANT to do with your life going forward?
When you are feeling sad, allow your friends to distract you and support you. Don't be afraid to admit you are feeling sad and lost and to tell them you need support. True friends will gladly help you through this difficult time.
Last but not least, remember this too will pass. One day you will feel a bit better, then the next day even better. A while down the line, you will start to accept you split up for good reason and that you have the rest of your life ahead of you.
Wishing you all the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): You are feeling all the normal emotions a person feels when you have to part with your mate. There was a reason you married him; but apparently, those reasons dissipated. Differences became too acute and irreparable. Like you said, he became intolerable.
Once you loved him (still do). Things once were good. Your disappointment is that the good things in your marriage didn't stand-up to time, wear, and tear. Just makes you feel bad. Accepting the fact that what you had together didn't endure; and realizing he has other prospects to look forward to, is hard to digest.
He's feeling all the same things; only he will process things according to his own personality. He may hide most of his feelings; and/or his character may not allow him to display remorse to your satisfaction. The fact is, you need time to let-go. More time to detach from his emotional-hold on you. The pros will outweigh the cons in your thought-processes. Logic will overtake you. You'll become numb and immune.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. It all seems as though things are moving right-along when you go through the motions; but your heart is always dragging several steps behind. It takes time for the subconscious-mind to adapt to the reality of a bad relationship. You've experienced a great loss. You're supposed to feel remorseful and grieved.
It's healthy that you do. You have feelings!
You're disappointed, bewildered, and pissed! All at the same time!!! Oh, girlfriend; been there, and done that!
The mind still wants things to be as they were. It still wants to feel the intoxicating-effects of dopamine you once felt while in-love. The hard-reality conflicts with your emotions. You keep ruminating over the good-times; but that is what the mind has to do during the process of letting-go.
It just won't accept that it was all for naught! Yet he might make it work for somebody other than yourself. How dare he? How could he? The odds are, he'll repeat his mistakes; if he couldn't fix them with you. Same goes for you, if you didn't learn anything.
Mixed-feelings about any type of breakup comes with the territory. You have to adjust to some very unthinkable realities. It didn't work. It seems it should have. You tried desperately in vain; or he didn't even try to make it feel it was worth it. It seemed it didn't even matter to him. So the mind and heart might be a little hard to convince that it is what it is. What it is, is over! Don't let his poison dwell in your system, my dear!
Pamper yourself. Don't let him or the failed marriage get you down. You did what you had to do. It was for self-preservation. He might find somebody else. Just remember; you are free to do better. Eventually this will be behind you; and you will see your victory on the other side.
Let the emotions rise to the surface; and deal with the sadness, rejection, bitterness, and heartache. They are all temporary! For now, it's still fresh; and you're in the midst of it all. You're human, and it takes us longer than machines or computers to reboot or reprogram.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): Because he has met someone first, he is moving on with his life and that signals that he is happier. You are still angry and filled with thoughts of the divorce so for him to have met someone has made you think of the times you was happier with him and to reminisce. It is like a grieving process, you are in your stage and he seems to have moved onto the moving on stage. Whether it will work out for them, who knows, but you have to just have to try and accept this is where you are and that is where he is. No matter what, in your heart of hearts you feel you are doing the right thing, so the feeling you have now will pass and you will go into the acceptance stage. If you feel that this is not right and there is more to it then please add more, but as I see it, you made what you believe to have been the right choice and him moving on has made you question it all, that is my take on why you are now feeling how you are..
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (25 October 2018):
 You don't say how long you have known him or how long you were married but I can honestly say that what you are going through is normal or at least it was for me. You are losing someone that was a part of your life, you shared everything with and now suddenly that closeness is gone and everything is turned all upside down. He has moved on already and yes that is going to hurt! Even if you don't want him, you don't want someone else to have him either right? Been there...done that. I'm sure you had happy times and you miss those times.
My husband and I were married for only 2 years, we got married at 19. It was not a good marriage and he couldn't handle everything and became physically abusive. I walked away and within weeks he started dating someone else, got her pregnant and within 2 months after our divorce (took 5 months) he got remarried. I loved him still and yet I hated him. Seeing him made me want to scream and our fights after the divorce were like a volcano erupting because there were still so many things we had not talked about. It hurt and I hated him, hated what he did and yet part of me loved him too. I knew he wasn't good for me and I had done the right thing by ending things but sometimes your heart and brain don't think the same way.
You'll get through this..it takes time. My ex has now been married and divorced 5 times and every time he breaks up with a wife he calls me...hoping to get back together. I just laugh. Whatever feelings I had for him died a long time ago but apparently he still holds a candle for me. His loss...
...............................
|
