A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help, I seem to have got myself into a horrible situation. First thing is first I would like to acknowledge my own short coming and my responsibility here. I started a new job with an office of 25-30 women in one big room. I'm not much for being part of the crowd or office gossip im a grown women and im there to earn money not make friends. Anyway all these women and girls they go out alot together they help each other out and favor each other personally and professionally. Doesnt affect or bother me at all these people are entitled to behave as they wish. Anyway there was one women I noticed was always left out or not included although was very clear she wanted to be. One day she asks me for a drink and I decide to go we end up getting on really well and becoming good friends. I broke my own rule. I should have seen the red flags but I didnt she gets very angry over the smallest things. Me myself I dont care I expect nothing from my friends other than to just that friendship. This woman needs everything she calls me every day shes negative she has many mental issues. She expects me to be there for her at the drop of a hat If I dont reply to her messages quick enough she accuses me of being a bad friend - she even used me as an emergency contact. I tried to explain I have another life a husband, life long friends, family I have other obligations which I prefer to use my time on and I cant be that person for someone I work with. That night she ended up in hospital from cutting herself I ended up going to her as her mum called me and said she needed me (were both 29 not sure if thats relevant.) she only has her mum and her mum is very absent in her life, usually.How can I break away the constant calls and drunken abuse are causing me great anxiety I care and feel deep sorrow for her but I cant be the one to help her she doesnt understand the issues she causing me its horrible I dread to even turn on my phone on the weekend sometimes I just leave it off. Please help me I feel like I cant escape I feel like I have led her on I didn't mean to make her feel like she could rely so heavily on me and I had no idea she was so alone and vulnerable I feel so conflicted I am a bad person for wanting to run away or should I try and help her. I need to add her dad died of alcoholism 4 years ago and she has suffered with bipolar anxiety and depression since then - she also abuses class A drugs and alcahol neither of which I use.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2020): I had a 'friend' like the one you are describing. She leant on me so hard for 22 years!! I wish I had told her to bugger off sooner. In fact I did, but she talked me round. She also had drunken tantrums, she was incredibly possessive over me, screaming her house down on two occasions when I dared to get a boyfriend, she called me every single day and wanted to see me every single day. If I ignored the phone she just carried on and on and on. At the age of 34 when she had thrown another drunken tantrum and my stomach was churning with anxiety yet again, I finally came to the end. She demanded I drove her home from a new years day gathering with friends and I knew I had had enough and that she could beg and crawl, but I was DONE. She did indeed apologise the next day as she always did and she was so surprised when I calmly said I'd had enough. She spent a long time trying to change my mind as did a couple of other friends. I suspect they wanted me to carry on managing the lion's share of her demanding nature. BUT I had come to the end. I spent four days feeling terrible and then I never thought about her again. Her and her sisters were ones for ending up in hospital after suicide attempts and all the rest of it. Well, so be it. IF I had told her to get lost sooner, my life would actually have been different. She took up ALL of any spare time I had, which wasn't much and she caused me a great deal of stress. I saw her many years later with the same group of friends which I ditched so I didn't have to see her anymore. She was doing ABSOLUTELY fine!! I was the loser. I lost my friends to get away from her and I lost SO much time I could have put to much better use.DON'T let this person run your life. I did exactly as Code Warrior suggested, although not planned that way. I used the fact that she had thrown yet another tantrum, ruined yet another social event and told her I had had enough. She couldn't argue with that. She knew she was in the wrong. Do exactly the same and don't look back. She is not a friend, she cares little about you. Feel bad if you must, but only for a little while. Don't let her rob any more of your precious life. If she ends up in hospital, so she ends up in hospital. It might get her the help she needs. You didn't sign up to be her carer and her therapist. If I even get a hint of someone else like her coming anywhere near me, they get short shrift. Never again.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 October 2020):
 This is not a friendship. This is a parasitic relationship. It is abusive in its own way. You didn't sign up to be at her beck and call and to support her through her drug and alcohol abuse. You are a good person but, if you carry on being so compassionate, she will end up sucking all the goodness out of your life. She has already destroyed her own life with substance abuse; don't allow her to affect your life any longer.
There are two very clear options here. The first one is you terminate the friendship and she carries on being unhappy (she's not happy with you as a friend anyway so there is no change there) and you regain some control over your life and happiness. The second option is you DON'T terminate this ersatz friendship due to guilt/compassion/empathy and there are TWO unhappy people as a direct result (not to mention anyone your unhappiness affects, like your husband, family and real friends).
Yes, it's very sad that this lady is in this situation. Nobody would wish this on anyone else. However - and please hang onto this - YOU cannot "fix" her. She is not your responsibility. If you continue to try to support her, your compassion will come at a heavy cost to your own mental health. This relationship is already pulling you down and stressing you. Get out before she drags you down with her.
I think you will probably find it not exactly "easier" but certain more "do-able" if you call a halt to this parasitic relationship when she is being particularly challenging (as Code Warrior has suggested). Don't get angry with her, or shout at her (I am sure you wouldn't anyway) but just say, very calmly but very firmly, "I really don't feel I want to continue our relationship. The way you handle your issues is stressing me out and dragging me down. I can't be your support any longer. I hope you get the help you need but it can't be from me." Ask her to remove your details as her emergency contact and then block her number. Maybe even change your number so nobody can reach you as her emergency contact.
None of this is your fault. I wouldn't mind betting she has done this to others in the past. She is ruining her own life; don't let her ruin yours.
Be strong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 October 2020):
 Smart advice, Code Warrior....
I didn't think of that, but I think it definitely could work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2020): This woman wants you to be another mother to her, a sister, a keeper, a mentor and much more. She latched onto you because she has nobody else and is desperate. If someone better came along she would drop you like a hot potato.
You are out of your depth. Only an experienced therapist would understand her and be able to cope, and they would not want to, not as a friend or giving her loads of time, only as a paying client!
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (28 October 2020):
 I don't think that you did anything wrong here, she asked you for a coffee and you accepted.
I know you said you broke your own rule, and I agree with you to a certain extent, your at work to earn money, not to make friends.
You are not a mind reader, you were not to know that she had all these problems. The other ladies in the office probably knew. So you have had a coffee with her and you became good friends, then she latched herself onto you.
I know you feel bad about it, but really you have got to be cruel to be kind here. It really is not your responsibility to be her therapist and carer.
I agree with honeypie, if you don't want to cut her off, then you do need to set some boundries. Keep it as a friendship and that's it, friendships should not be stressful. I think if she does not adhere to this and is causing you stress and problems at home, then you will have no choice but to terminate contact with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 October 2020):
I would simply tell her that you can't handle HER issues on top of everything else you got going on in her life, you didn't mean to make her feel like she could rely so heavily on you, PLEASE suggest she seeks help and then BLOCK her number if you have to. (or change your number)
You are a people pleaser and you felt you did the NICE thing in being there. However, that only enabled her to latch on like a barnacle, as she has no one else.
The thing is with friendships, not everyone sees friendships as ONE static thing.
Her mom called you when she cut herself, because SHE wanted someone else to help carry the "burden" of her daughter. Which I absolutely get, but it's unfair.
YOU are not a bad person for feeling THIS is too much for me.
YOU are not a bad person for NOT wanting to be her "emergency contact". She didn't ASK you first? She just added you? That is how you ENSURE that she will KEEP doing this.
Now I get that this will be hard because she IS a vulnerable person and I can FEEL that you are a compassionate person, but you have to decide DO I want to get dragged into this? Is this something I CAN and WANT to deal with? And be HONEST with yourself when you think it over.
This is a new "friendship" - but she doesn't KNOW how to be a friend, she wants a caretaker.
I think your worry is that she might kill herself and you will feel like it's your fault? That if you "drop" her she will fall apart and it will all be your fault?
You ARE not responsible for what she CHOOSES to do, yes I know someone who is mentally unstable might not FEEL like they HAVE a choice, but you can't PREVENT it nor can you be responsible for it.
If you don't want to "drop the friendship" then SET firm boundaries. She can call/text between "whatever hours you set up", she needs to take you off as emergency contact.
YOU can not fix this girl. SHE needs MORE help than you can provide. PROFESSIONAL help. Again, PLEASE suggest that she finds a psychiatrist.
I also know it's easier for me to say this, than it will be for you to do it.
You are not a bad person for not wanting to be her therapist.
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