A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 30, straight male, never had a girlfriend or relationship and I have come to a point where I am thinking, I want a baby of my own. I have given up on the prospects of finding a girlfriend. Dating game has always been my weakest point. I have been quite successful with education and career. I finished uni at 23, got a job straight after, rapidly progressed in the career ladder and have now nothing to wait for, but I am hopeless with and around women. I still take it easy though - some men are rich, some are singers, some are footballers, some are gay, some are great with women, and some are just hopeless. I am not that attractive, but I do look after myself, i gym, cycle, run, draw, i do socialise (a lot), i have lots of friends, but never been able to speak a word when it comes to who i think would have been a potential partner. I freeze. I accepted that I was a minority who women wont find attractive. Fear of dying a virgin, i hired high class escort few years ago, and it has been the same way since. I am now desperate for a baby of my own. I am going to a country where surrogacy is legal and am hiring a surrogate. I can afford for it, and I can look after my child very well. The only question that kills me is what do i say when my kid asks about mummy? How do I say that I was a hopeless loser who couldn't find a woman, paid for sex in fear of dying a virgin, and hired a surrogate to have my child. People say, oh, man can have kids even when they are 50. But that's not my point, at 50, i want a lovely 20 year old son/daughter next to me, not be a new dad.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): Adopt OP, or buy a wife. I'm not the emotional, weepy type but there are so many lonely children out there with no one in this world and no prospects for the future. I can't think of a better fit for you than a child who faces a life of loneliness and hardship without you.
The only issue of course is it's very difficult to adopt as a single man, but it's not impossible.
Anyway you've already decided on surrogacy. OP you have years to figure out these answers and you will, so don't worry about them.
Get rid of this idea that you're some kind of loser, you're not. Not everyone dates, not everyone has long term relationships nor finds love. Doesn't make them a loser anymore than never having sky dived.
Personally I'd be honest with them from the start and say I wanted to have them in my life so badly I didn't want to wait so I found a lady who have them for me. You're not going to raise a child to think you're some kind of loser are you? No, so they will see first hand through their daddy that being single does not make a person a loser nor does it mean they live a sad, unfulfilled life.
You don't need to tell them about your sex life either, that's none of their business, did you parents detail theirs with you? No.
Just tell them they don't have a mammy, just a lady that carried them for you.
OP make no apologies for how you want to do things, how you live your life just make sure you're the kind of guy that jump into burning house to protect them and have some kind of permanent support network such as family. It can't be just you raising this child in that sense, they can't be alone in this world if anything happens to you.
I was raised by a single mother and my father may aswell have been just a sperm donor. Never bothered me in the slightest but I have uncles, aunts, my grandmother was pretty much my father figure for much of my youth.
If you're a single guy with no brothers or sisters, parents or a family that doesn't get on with each other then frankly you kind of need a partner to provide that security.
In your position I'd just buy a wife. Russian women are insanely beautiful and there are many Asian countries where that is common practice too. Obviously I mean "buy" them in the legal sense, women who want to be a traditional wife to a man who can support them in a Western country.
There's no such thing as a man who women don't find attractive by the way, physically every man and woman is appealing to someone. Your mental attitude is your only issue there and in that sense maybe some professional help could fix that for you.
If you want a child ad you're worried about the whole mother aspect them just buy a woman to have your children for you and help you raise them.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 December 2013):
I quickly want to answer here.
Dear Wiseowle, I agree that todays times, we need more flexibility in defining what a parent, what a family is. And that there are many different arrangements which work out for people, for children. I see that. And I am sorry if my post was too harsh on the OP.
However, I am not homophobic and/or brainwashed, just because I disapprove of making babies with anonymous surrogates as mothers or nameless donors as fathers. My point is not - and was not - about the parents sexual orientation. I embrace complex and new forms of family, too. But to me, a complex family means I want to respect the childs entire history and surrounding, from conception to birth to parenting. And make sure the process was thoughtful and fair towards the people involved and towards the child. Even if I was to adopt a child, I would wish for it to have the opportunity to meet its biological parents, if possible. And I wouldn't just adopt from any organisation, I would care about how the organisation takes care of the biological parents and what happens to them.
To me, this is neo-capitalist thinking: "I don't care how the product was produced and delivered, as long as it's in good shape and will serve its purpose". It's that sort of inconsideration I disapprove of, it's not "modern", it's not "21. century", to me. It's pure capitalism of the last century, the laws of the market: She needs the money, I need a baby. Maybe not all situations that involve surrogates are inconsiderate and coldhearted business deals, okay, but the OP's post sounded just as if he didn't give the least care about the woman his baby pops out of. And this is only one of the things that got me really upset about this post.
Which is why I am probably not the best agony aunt for his problem, granted.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 December 2013):
 To AuntyEm
I mentioned the raising a dog for the specific reason that he does come across (to me and a few other aunties) as wanting a child for the same reasons a VERY young and (sorry) immature girl would want a child. To have someone that will LOVE them unconditionally. To make HIM feel like he isn't the "failure" with women - as he sees himself, not saying OP is a failure because I have no idea)
I have a good friend who's 17 year old daughter got pregnant (was an oops for sure) and she thought having a child would be a piece of cake. 6 months after the child is born she unceremoniously "dumps" him off at her moms house and goes on Spring break with friends... And that was just the beginning. Her mom still RAISES that child (who is now a well adjusted 10 year old). And the daughter is still running around thinking she is a teenager.
If OP haven't had much interaction with kids, then I would actually venture a guess and say he has NO IDEA how much work goes into it. Heck, I worked with kids for years and it's very different from having your own. At least when you work with them, at the end of the day their parents come pick them up.
Having a dog and a child is not the same, by a long shot, but it will give you a glimpse of how much of your time you will start to have to give up on.
I'm not saying because he is male he shouldn't raise a child, but I DO say because he is inexperienced he should AT LEAST have some parenting classes (heck ALL parents should take some before having kids). And he SHOULD deal with the issue of not being able to deal with women, because whether he has a child or not THAT WILL affect him and it WILL AFFECT the child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): To Euphoric29:
When society places obstacles in your path out of prejudice and presumption; your beliefs are of no consequence. You may have your ideal situation of how to bring a baby into this world. Being gay, you will be condemned by some faction of society; that would say any choice you make is immoral and not condoned by heterosexual pro-family groups; and is against all family values. They believe being gay is immoral, and a threat to children. I think you missed that particular point.
Echoing their beliefs in your own words; gives credence to such unfair close-minded thinking. If you're gay, want a child, and there are people telling you can't; because they don't think gay people should in the first place, will make you choose whatever means you can to pursue that dream. They make gay adoption hell, and limited to sick or mentally-challenged children that never enjoy the full delight of being a child. Only the wealthy gays may overcome these obstacles; but not without great travel and expense.
There are single-mothers who aren't sure who the fathers of their children are, but these kids grow up fine. There are mothers who used sperm from anonymous donors. Their kids will grow up happy and well-adjusted. There are absentee fathers who kids know who they are and never see them. Fathers who abuse them, or their mothers; and they wish they didn't know them. Nothing is new under the sun. Children make it into this world, and if there is a will; there is a way. Love and proper care is what they need.
It's what awaits them when they arrive that concerns me. Not how they got here.
As for you OP, I am only suggesting that you thoroughly go over what you will offer a child; regardless of any means you may get one.
If you make a conscious choice of becoming a parent, you can't have self-acknowledged social issues that would interfere with the child's healthy psychological and social development. Being gay isn't one of them. We've been raising children since mankind began. It's just social stigma that makes it difficult for our children, and for us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): Rather than surrogacy, did you ever think of adoption? There are enough people on this planet as it is, not that I want to stop you having a biological child of your own. But adoptiong would benefit someone who is already here and its more selfless. They would still be every bit your child, because at the end of the day its the time you put into them not the DNA you may or may not share.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (27 December 2013):
.. dear Wiseowle,
I just wanted to answer something, because you said some of the arguments are the same as those against gay-parenting. Probably you thought about me.
I lived in a lesbian relationship for 6 years and I was confronted with the whole "family building" question. I am not against gay parenting, gay adoption, gay marriage, but I wouldn't do ANYthing just to have or get a baby. I have put many hours, nights into thinking about where are MY personal ethical boundaries, regardless of what's legal and regardless of my dreams. There are certain conditions under which I'd rather not have children. Certain arrangements I wouldn't make. For instance, using an anonymous sperm donor to get pregnant. Because I want my baby to know its biological father and have some sort of relationship with him. Even if I wasn't romantically involved with him. Does that make me homophobic? I DON'T think so!
There are probably many things you could say against my arguments to use a surrogate, but me being a homophobic isn't one.
I really liked intrigued3000's post, because she shows a good example of how people can be considerate and look for an alternative family model at the same time. And her thoughts of involving the surrogate in the process, which would make all of this way less shady to me.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I am staggered to read some people comparing raising a child to raising a dog!! Really?
The suggestions that this guy should prove his capability is also a nonsence. Most women who have their first born child haven't passed a test or had to prove their capability...so why should a guy have to?...it's just totally ridiculous.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 December 2013):
I am going to go against most of the advice given here and say 'go for it' if you really want a child and can afford to support it...then just do it.
There are not enough valid moral arguments in the world to stop a human longing for a child and if you were a woman, I doubt most people would dissuade you from having your own child...I do not see any difference for a man longing for a child and a 'good an loving parent' is a 'good and loving parent' gender notwithstanding.
Most people will defend the conventionalmethods to parenthood but lets be honest...we no longer live in a conventional world and there are now all kinds of families and the majority do great!
The suggestion that you get a dog and report back is a vile and lazy suggestion and I apologise for the person who suggested that.
I am employed in this field and I have seen many babies brought into the world to gay couple straight couples, copious amounts to single women and a few to single men...all capable of loving and raising the child they created.
So I say 'DO IT'
xx
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I don't think it's a good idea , not because I have anything against surrogate parenthood or single dad's parenthood or any other kind of parenthood. Just because your post screams out that you want this for all the wrong reaons. Basically, you want this baby to make you feel better about yourself and to stop feeling the loser that you feel you are , regardless of your many accomplishements, due to your lack of success with women.
In other words, to medicate a narcissistic wound. That's a BAD reason to have a child, it's selfish and ultimately cruel, insofar it puts on the poor kid a lot of unexpressed, neurotic expectations , the weight of which the kid will inevitably feel. You make babies when you want to GIVE , no strings attached - not when you want to TAKE from them, a sense of validation, a seal of approval for your own existence.
Your post reminds me of the many posts we get from 15 y.o. girls who say : I am lonely, I am ugly, boys don't like me, my parents do not pay attention to me ... I want to have a baby to fix all this.
That's sad - but it's also dangerously selfish. People are people, not means to an end. Fix first whatever it is that bothers you and makes you feel a desperate case and an incomplete human being, - and THEN have a baby ( or adopt one, why not ? ) Start being a parent from a place of emotional , psychological richness, not from one of need and deprivation.
I also think you are having unrealistic expectations. Or, you are tryng to cure the symptom, not the illness.
Same like you went to escorts to lose your virginity and have sex ; what have you accomplished ? Well, I get it, you have accomplished that you got laid and it must have been fun- but your real problem, I guess, was not, or not only, that you were not having fun, it was that you could not find someone to spontaneously show you affection, appreciation, desire. Did you get these things ? I bet no- the escorts appreciate your money, not you, - they would not willingly choose to be with you without a monetary compensation, so how resorting to escorts has fixed , or improved, your problem of establishing meaningful human relationships ? if any, it has made it worse ( although, it has solved the problem of your sexual frustration and I surely do not dismiss the importance of that - butt, I bet it wasn't that problem which bothered you the most ).
Ditto for your paternity, I have got the feeling that it's a fantasy paternity which only envisions a loving, affectionate, BEAUTIFUL twentysomething boy or girl , to make you feel better about yourself... Not that it cannot happen if you are lucky, but, guess what, children are often much less than flawless, they often come with a set of problems, failures and complications, which we overcome through love, not through our need to get something good for ourselves.
If you are unattractive, your child that has half of your genes may be unattractive too. He might not be the affectionate kid that you can proudly show off when you are 50, maybe by then he would be in a rebellious phase, or you might not get along personalitywise and not spend time together at all. He might be a problem child , a natural born drifter, a nerdy kid with no social skills- he may be , to say it bluntly, more trouble than it was worth going through to get him and raise him ( or her ). Would you love him all the same , would you be unconditionally happy all the same that you had him ?... I am afraid not, since , at least from your post, it's easily readable between the lines that this kid would have a big compensatory function, it would be the substitution for the female attention and the close intimate male/ female relationship that you have not had so far.
It would be a " comfort " kid. But what if , instead, he has problems of his own and can't fulfill his role of bolster to your low self esteem ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): I will be a lone voice here but here goes anyway.If you have love to give I don't see why you shouldn't have a surrogate baby. If you know that you are prepared to have sleepless nights to bottle feed, slow down your career to give your child the emotional support they need, attend plays at school, take them to their friends' parties, take them to the hospital when they are ill then why not?It's not a matter of 'affording'. You have the financial capability but are you ready for the emotional and professional sacrifices you'd have to make?If you are ready to put the child first before your own needs then I say go for it.How many teenagers, irresponsible parents bring children everyday with no one to answer to? How many women who are desperate for children that they use donors or they get knocked up by friends? How many people get pregnant by accident every single day?How dare we stop this man from using the means available to him to get what many women can get with no questions asked?To the OP, I say getting a dog first is a good idea. So is babysitting or volunteering with children. If after doing both of these, you feel you can raise a child then do it.As for how they came into the world. You can tell them that daddy wanted a baby and a lovely lady was kind enough to give help him have one. I would choose the surrogate mother wisely so that they can be there to answer questions if the child has any etc. And for you to have family medical history.Single parenting is tough. You have to work extremely hard to meet the child's emotional needs. Even then, they may still not be whole. But let it not be said that you have no right to bring a child into this world. Not when you have the love to give and the means to raise the child. Heaven knows you're already a step ahead of many people who conceive every single day.My last word is it boils down to whether you are prepared to make the professional sacrifices (since that is where all your life achievement is at the moment) and whether you are ready to make a life time commitment to putting the child's needs first for better or for worse for life.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I have a female friend who actually went through what you are thinking of doing. After many failed relationships and even a short-lived marriage, she gave up the idea of having children within the standard nuclear family unit. She did not want to give up on her lifelong dream to have children, so she went to a sperm bank. She chose a donor who was willing to interact with her and the kids. In other words she did not want an anonymous donor. She wants her children to know who their father is. She had two children through this donor, and so far the dynamics between her, the father (donor) and the kids are great. There is nothing romantic between her and the donor, but they have a great friendship. She writes to him, sends him photos and she leaves the door open for him to visit the kids if he chooses to. He sends her little gifts for the children like socks, etc, and he is open to interacting with the children and answering any questions they may have when they get older.
I would advise that you choose the surrogate mother wisely. Find someone who would be open to the idea of remaining in contact and maybe even being part of the child's life, even in a limited capacity.
My friend made the right decision. She is the happiest she has ever been and those kids are so loved and cherished.
I saw her the other day at the grocery store. She was glowing. Her 3 year old daughter gave me the biggest smile and called me Aunty:)) The baby was sleeping peacefully in her carriage. My friend was just so proud of her family.
Before she had those kids, she was sad and felt that something was missing from her life. She found fulfillment in being a mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): I won't be cruel to you. Somehow I see something noble in your endeavor. However; there is something I want you to run through your mind.
Some of the answers I see are the same arguments used against gay-parenting. They make me really uncomfortable.
How would you teach a child to be social and to cope with being different? If you see yourself as a loser; when you successfully completed your education, have a good job; but can't see yourself in a positive way?
Children learn by example. They are not like having a pet that is mostly instinct; and subsists off the kindness of his master. They watch every move we make. They ask a lot of questions, and the test the answers.
They require guidance, attention, affection, and a positive role model. Not someone who is self-deprecating, and without a molecule of self-esteem. How would you answer the questions a child has about that?
I truly believe there are men who are afraid of women. They may not be gay; but they don't know how to relate to females in an emotional way. They don't know what to do with the emotions of women; and they feel incapable of protecting them or caring for them. So they blame women for rejecting them. They really don't feel comfortable around them, I believe. I don't buy it when you say you are condemned to hopelessness where women are concerned. I think you are truly happy without them.
I think some men are passive and submissive like women; and can't find a woman accepting of their ways. They blame it on their looks, awkwardness, and so on. There is another element and they don't want to accept it; like some men are in denial they are gay. I think you really don't like women.
I also think it is a fear of sexual ineptness, and fear of a woman's body. Mature men who are virgins are terrified of exploring the anatomy of a woman. They are appalled by femininity, and don't know why. If you hire escorts, she probably does all the work; and has to coach you through every step. She is probably required to perform specific acts in order to arouse you. She has to possess specific attributes. You aren't judged; because you pay her for her services.
Being a father is a very noble position; but the most important responsibility a man will ever have. Anyone can father a child, not everyone can be a good father.
My sister died years ago. My brother-in-law raised a fine daughter all on his own. Single-parent fathering was tough, but quite rewarding. He had to reach deep into himself to compensate for my niece not having a mother. He had to make professional sacrifices and sometimes even compromise his job. Most men wouldn't have taken such risks if he thought he could lose his job. He did it anyway.
There was so much he had to do to be sure she was well-adjusted, balanced; and had a good grasp on survival.
He has to prepare her for life and survival on her own. He turned to other women in the family to teach her things he couldn't. It was tough; because he didn't want anyone to think he wasn't fully capable and willing. That he couldn't do it alone. He broke his back to prove he could.
If you assume this task, I suggest you prepare yourself long beforehand, and deal with your demons. A child will mimic what they see and hear. They take on our best and worst habits. How would that be fair to a boy?
A child is not a lab rat or a pet. You have to learn as you go; but you have to be prepared at all times. They depend on you for everything.
Are you really ready for that?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 December 2013):
If you can't interact with women, do you think you are capable of interacting with a female child? Or a child in general?
I think you need to figure out where that fear of women stems from and work on that before you choose to have a child.
Having a child as a single parent isn't a crime or shame. I have a friend who decided to have a baby with a donor because she was hitting 39 and hadn't found her mate. That being said though she had had PLENTY of long and successful relationships beforehand.She had worked with children, she was GOOD with children, she LOVES children. She has a big family that helps her raise her daughter.
You do not tell your kids that you were/are a loser and had to pay for sex. That would be so out of bounds, which leads me to think that you REALLY should take some parenting classes or something first, to see if this is really what you want. If you don't even know what you think you should tell your child, do YOU really think you are ready to raise one?
And actually Uncle Sage's advice about getting a puppy is not all that bad. IF you can handle a puppy into an adult dog you might not find it TOO much harder to raise a child. Though, CHILDREN are VASTLY harder to raise. Are you really ready for the bottle feeding every 3-4 hours, the seemingly ENDLESS dirty diapers (nappies in the UK) the teething, the shots, the doctor visits...
Having kids is not... having pretty 20'something year old when you are 50. THAT is a side bonus after 20 YEARS of hard work.
I would honestly say the same if you were a girl of 15, get a dog first. Because you statement for wanting a child sounds more like that of a 15 year old girl. You want someone who is WHOLLY yours and who will love you unconditionally. So you want a child for purely selfish reasons.
Take parenting classes. Visit friends who have babies, watch them, interact with babies and then think LONG and hard. Can you REALLY do it by yourself?
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (27 December 2013):
Dear OP,
please don't do this. Don't start a child's life like this, in a state where even I over the internet can hear your desperation and sadness.
You are 30, as old as me. And my whole intuition tells me, you are not ready to give a baby the love it needs. Because first, you need love! You, yourself. You are full of fear and disappointment and self-pity about your character, your minority status, your looks: That's why you would skip the most natural way to have a baby. With someone who you love. With a woman who would be there, as a mother, in case you are tired, or sick. Someone who would be there, for you, too, do half of the work, share half of the responsibility, double the joy. You want to get a baby in a very unnatural and selfish way, by paying someone.
Yes, it's HARD finding love, guess what?! Is this news to you?! Did you expect your dream partner to fall into your lap at 29, without even making the effort of trying and talk to her? Did you really think the universe would work that way? To give you something precious like love, just like that, without you even coming out of your shell?
Other people suffer from social anxiety, too! Just, they try to work on themselves instead of buying their way around every social challenge.
If you really liked children, for their own sake, and were abundant of love for them, you could maybe teach children in your spare time, be a foster parent, baby sitter for your friends' children.. do all the necessary and important stuff that those little creatures who are already on this planet need. That our society desperately needs. But instead you want to create someone, specifically, with your DNA, and not wait for the right time and place, just force this thing against no matter what resistance. Is there not an ounce of altruism inside you? Are you completely consumed with your worries of not getting enough out of this life, yet? Do you have to squeeze out every possibility your money gives you? Do you even have to buy another human being now? Can't you be grateful for what you have, already, your jobs and friends and talents?
You are "desperate for a baby". Those words say it all. You will take a newborn child from the breast of its money-hungry mother, who you paid like a hooker - who IS a prostitute, in fact. Giving away something so precious for money. Just so YOU have someone when you're 50. Yes, it would kill me as well if I'd have to explain this mess to someone. And the stabbing pain that you feel in your chest, when you think about it, is a good sign. It shows me you still have a functioning heart. Follow this heart, instead of your fear and impatience and greed. It will give you much more dignity.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (27 December 2013):
 You've clearly given considerable thought to what YOU want, but have you given any thought to what might be best for a child?
Raising children is hard enough for a couple, but for a single parent, man or woman, it's even harder and it's the children who reap those 'rewards'.
You're prepared to go the all the trouble and the expense of renting a uterus, when you could hire someone locally to help you overcome your fear of desirable women.
My best friend was raised by a single mother who conceived her with a man who then ran off before she was born. And while it hasn't prevented my friend from having a quality life, it has left her with a huge void. HALF of her family, her history, her lineage, have been deliberately kept a secret and as well intentioned as those sitting on that information might claim to be it is actually quite cruel and extremely selfish.
I'm not impressed by this decision at all. Not one bit. It's lazy, cowardly and very self centred.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): I can not believe it that why you do not try to ask someone out! have you ever done that? you would not believe how many girls are hoping to someone like you ask them out. The only problem I think is,you never ask you never get a date! I liked someone when i was 24 and I could tell he likes me too but he never asked me out and guess what after 15 years he added me as friend on FB to just admit that he loves me and he was so afraid to be rejected because I was so beautiful..still am haha. but I was thinking about him for years and now 15 years later, thousands of miles away he finally told me!think about it what is going to happen if you ask someone out and she says no! nothing just try it.. good luck
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Ideally you want your child to have the mother's looks and your talents, but what if he/she has your looks. Then you would have spent a lot of money bringing up a child with similar problems after they hit puberty. Even if you adopt a child, what do you have to teach him/her about relationships? What if the child secretly prefers to be in a two parent childhood? I would think hard about it because it's not just about you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I suggest you get a Brittany Spaniel or a Golden Retriever..... and report back in six months.....
Good luck....
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