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I am struggling to accept it for myself

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Friends, Gay relationships, Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 December 2013) 4 Answers - (Newest, 4 December 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual, and I'm really struggling. I've always been a big LGBTQ rights activist, done fundraisers and been to gay pride. My parents wouldn't have a problem with me being bisexual, which is not the problem, but I am still scared to come out to them. The problem is my extremely conservative grandparents who either wouldn't like it or wouldn't understand me. I'm scared to be treated differently to I am now. I don't think my friends will. My close friends are all either LGBTQ rights activists or don't think it's wrong. One of my best friends defines as "heteroflexible". They're not the problem. It's more that I want to be true to who I am but I'm so scared. I have anxiety which is part of the reason I am scared to tell my parents, who quite frankly probably already know. I don't want to get told that I just can't choose between gay and straight. I know that I am not gay because I am sexually and romantically interested in men, but I'm not straight because I feel the same way about women. I'm just so confused and struggling to accept it for myself and I really don't know what to do.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (4 December 2013):

Dear OP,

I'm bisexual too and I had a hard time accepting this at first. What is really good about your situation is that you have accepting friends, and parents.

You are not lying if you're not ready to come out yet. To me, bisexuality is not an orientation, it means being open to many things. That's what I find beautiful and what gives me pride. So, don't ever let people tell you that you're indecisive. You are NOT. You are just open-minded. And honest about your diverse and complex desires and feelings (many people aren't and don't want to be).

Why SHOULD you decide about what kind of person you like, before you've met them? Why should you limit your experiences and the amount of people you might love? It's like people asking me to chose whether I like blondes or black haired people.. why would I have to decide this at all? Doesn't make sense.

You are young and you can still take your time. Coming-outs get important and a big decision when there's a partner or a definite life style choice. In times or places when homosexuals were/are more discriminated, a coming-out was/is like revealing a long-time hidden, dark secret. It went/goes along with parents being unhappy and confused, traditions being broken, marriages being divorced etc.. but that's not your case. You will still be supported. And nobody expects you to know all about yourself at the age of 16-17. So it's not like you're dishonest when you don't say all that you feel.

Teen age is a time of transition because no matter how much you love your parents, you WILL end up having secrets regarding your sexuality and desires.. or else it's weird. It's the end of that closeness when your parents know everything about you and you can and need to develop a personal space of your own.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 December 2013):

Honeypie agony auntYour sexuality is not ALL that defines you. There is more to you then what gender you are attracted to. You are also a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend, a student and so forth.

Not knowing 100% what to label yourself or accept a label is pretty normal at your age if you are not without a doubt straight. Straight people don't really give a flying fart about being "labelled" as straight, because it's the "norm". We don't struggle with the uncertainty. But I will also say that I think EVERY young person have had some kind of curiosity, though most of them never venture a try.

I think, if you were my daughter (I have 3 of them ) - I would give you this advice. RELAX. You live in a time where bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality is NOT as big of a deal as it USED to be. When you find someone you want to date (be it guy or girl) then tell your parents. Unless you have a NEED to talk about feeling the way you do. If it's the latter then maybe sit your mom down first and talk to her.

I do tend to agree with SVC, you don't OWE anyone but your PARTNER/LOVER/GF/BF/WIFE or HUSBAND an explanation or in depth analysis of your sex life and sexual preference.

Homosexuality, bisexuality is nothing NEW under the sun. It's just not hidden away as much (because let's face it, there are plenty of countries that still think it's something "wrong". )

Being bisexual doesn't mean you HAVE to choose one gender to be attracted to right now. But like heterosexuals, if you pick a side of the fence you STICK to that til you are no longer with that "fence".

YOU being bisexual, doesn't make you a DIFFERENT person. YOU are who you are and you like, what you like. LOVE who you are, embrace it and chill with the labels.

I get the "heteroflexible" expression, but I'd rather go with "flexible" if you DO need a label.

In short, YOUR sexual preference is NOT what defines you.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (3 December 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntRelax. you don't need to "come out" just live your life the way you want.

My brother is gay. He has known since he was a very young teen... he told me when he was 13. (that was 1976 btw before it was "ok" to be anything but white bread middle class straight"

he told our mom when he as 18...

he told daddy later on.

he NEVER told grandma and grandpa.

whenever they would ask him "when are you getting married?" he would tell them the truth: "when I meet the right girl".... back then it was NOT a lie because gays could not legally marry anywhere....

my grandparents were into their 90s when they died... ever sad that their grandson had never met the right girl....

NOW my brother is happily married to a great guy that we all love.

You do not owe anyone ANY explanation about your personal sexuality choices.

I'm bisexual myself. I currently am married to a man and have forsaken all others... this includes women. I do not find the need to discuss my sexual choices with anyone, not my parents, not my best friends... not former lovers. THE ONLY person who gets to talk to me about my sex life is my partner, since it's his sex life too.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (2 December 2013):

janniepeg agony auntYou seem to be very clear about your sexual orientation since very young but when you come out now, people are probably going to tell you that you are not totally grown up and it's easy to be confused. As you form relationships with people your identity will be more solid.

If your grandparents are conservative there is no point telling them. The adjustment you have to make is that, in the future if you happen to want to marry a woman she won't be able to visit them, hopefully you can visit her family. A lot of bisexual people choose the easy, simple path and live a straight life. You are not totally straight but you are capable of being straight, unless you are a slave to your desires to both sexes. When you make certain life decisions it doesn't mean you are not true to yourself, it means you are being sensible when you choose a path with the least resistance. Your parents can't tell you what to do. You will be an adult soon. As long as your actions don't hurt anybody it's not their business to interfere.

When I moved to my new city the first public wedding I saw was of two lesbians and they have the whole family there. Elderly and kids. I see gay men kissing on the streets. Transgendered people. Nothing is surprising anymore.

If you see that a grand wedding is important to you and your spouse is a woman, you still invite everybody. They can choose not to come.

Or, marriage is just not for you. Then nobody has to care and your partner(s) are just "friends."

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