A
female
age
30-35,
*lackHeart24
writes:Hi Dear Cupid it's me again now a senior in high school and that also means that I have more relationship stress. As you may know from my last questions I've been involved with my bestfriend/ now ex-boyfriend and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse they up and did. The spring break week out of school I tried calling him as a lot of you suggested but he still refused 2 answer my calls then one day he dropped the bomb on me and broke up with me stating that he cheated on me via facebook, but that's not the half of it while I was upset about what he told me for the remainder of that week going into next week my mother was hospitalized and died in the hospital the following week. He was the first person I told because my mom loved him like a son and he adored her too and he hasn't spoken to me in the 6 months since I told him. As I was putting my life back together keeping myself busy with school and trying to adjust to life without my mother, yeaterday when I stayed after school for yearbook he came up to the school found me and gave me a big hug and pulled me away from my friends to talk 2 me. He told me that he still loved me and still wanted me, so I'm conflicted and ashamed because of one simple fact. I never stopped loving him.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 October 2011):
 i can truly see why you are conflicted. And I am very glad he apologised.From my perspective I cannot but feel hurt when someone is so concerned with their own hurt that they cannot spare an ounce of empathy at the right time.When my husband died i recall being exceptionally hurt at the reaction of some of his 'friends'. In the period leading up to his death - he had been depressed but hid it very well - some of his friends knew he was depressed - and yet 'friends' just melted away. His illness was not contagious. I was hurt for my husband that so many of his 'friends' were only there for the good times. I asked one particular very very special friend of my husband if he could visit my husband (just days before the death) and was told 'no, i don't want to see him like that'.And yet not long after the death of my husband that same man (married) tried to make an inappropriate offer of sex to me. On the basis that, 'i am helping you, you cannot go on without sex forever.' Disgusted I wrote that person out of all consideration forever.Some guys have empathy, moral strength when it counts, strong firm values and strength when it counts, and some do not. So please forgive if my views are a little colored by my own experience. But something seriously bothers me that he could leave you stranded, high and dry, unsupported for 6 whole months.The cruelty of his absence, when you most needed comfort. His strong shoulders, his support. You have to grieve alone for your Mom. Get through so many first time experiences. Feel so many emotions.And at the same time review all the sad feeling you must have felt. Because it must have felt like you lost him too.It was you Mom. Even if your Mom treated him like a son, it beggars belief that he could not find it in his heart to support you in your time of need?And now that he thinks the dust has settled, and you have attended to all the difficulties, then he thinks things can resume as normal? His stance bothers me, and continues to bother me, even despite the much needed apology.I just have this niggling naggy doubt squirming in my mind that he would run again if paced with another problem in the future. I just cannot quiet that niggling doubt about a future between you and him. And therefore my niggling doubt is one I cannot ignore.If I am wrong I will be very very happy for you and he.And I could be wrong. Watch his actions much more than his words. His actions will help you to make the right decisions.Best wishes.
A
female
reader, BlackHeart24 +, writes (30 September 2011):
BlackHeart24 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the comment and I understand where your coming from and let me just state this and I forgot to mention this in my question, but when he pulled me to the side to talk he did apologize for all the unnecessary bullshit he put me through and for "abandoning" me when I needed him in the weeks following my mom's death and his told me why he did what he did.When he loses people he loves he runs and since he truly did loved my mother it devestated him as it did me, not saying it makes it okay, but I do understand. I'm not going to take him back so easily because following the death of my mom I purpously blocked out my feelings for him and it worked for a time but when he came up to the school 2 days ago and pulled me in his arms it was like all those feelings I blocked broke free,and since he knows me so well lying to him and telling him I didn't want him was pointless. He called me that night and take in mind he's never been over to my house or been in my room but he knew exactly how I was laying in my bed and as we talked he knew that I was blushing and he was right. Being with him again felt right but I scared to go through this again with him.My mind thinks that if I do this I'll be a fool, however my heart is deeply and truly in love with him and has never stopped loving him regardless of everything I was put through that's why I'm conflicted.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 September 2011):
I am so very very sorry that you lost your Mom when you were young. What a shocking time you have endured.
My father passed away when I was 15, but in some ways that was a blessing (or so I thought), because my father was seriously ill and could not survive his lung cancer. It meant no more pain for him, and I thought it also meant an end to all the terrible conflicts between my parents.
I know people say things like "I felt I was intruding so I left him/her alone after their father/mother/sister/brother/spouse/child died".
Well if I really care about a person I want to offer my support, for if they want to use my support. If they said, "no thank you, I have x y z and that is enough support thank you," then of course i would respect it. But ignore a person completely for 6 months? That is utterly mean. In reality people most people do need friends around them when a loved one dies. Grieving people are in a state of limbo. Everything takes longer. Everyone feels as if they are in a daze. Time stops still. It is a wonderful help to have a shoulder to cry on. Someone important to you, who you trust completely, to help fold the washing. Someone to insist that you have a short rest while they read a story to your baby.
People who just 'disappear' when you really need their emotional support seem like 'fair weather friends only'.
OK, I accept some people are seriously "icky" about death. And use excuses like, "I did not want to intrude"
But I find it appalling that your ex has not been giving you any emotional support for the previous 6 months, AND it was straight after your Mom died. His behaviour is inexcusable, unless he was in gaol for the duration. And that too would be inexcusable. So he loses on all counts to my sensibilities.
Maybe you have never stopped loving him because you have a positive view of him. Well factor in his callous actions of leaving you to yoru own devices for 6 months and he seems like a Mirage rather than a caring strong guy, who is "there for your"
Don't take him back just because you are feeling a little lonely now that your Mom has passed away.
Where was his apology and his excuse for six months of No Contact?
And now HE has decided he will take you back. I would be suggesting, "No so fast man" .
You have NO REASON at all to feel conflicted and ashamed.
Personally I also think you have NO REASON to take him back.
But that is up to you.
Personally I would want him to better explain himself. And I would not be a "pushover" for a smooth talking "fairweather friend".
If you marry this guy how do you know he will stick around whenever you have something that needs doing that might not be so pleasant. I have reservations about this guy and suggest that you tread very quietly.
And say NO to him if that suits you.
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