A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so upset. My boyfriend has bipolar disorder, and he gets really nasty sometimes when he has drunk alcohol. He had a few drinks today, even though he told me that he wasn't going to get drunk. He also told me that he wasn't going to see his friends, but he has gone there.I didn't go with him to see his friends, as i don't like them. He started getting nasty with me for no reason, telling me to f*** off. We argued after that, as i told him that i wouldn't tolerate him swearing at me. As i was getting in the taxi home, my boyfriend was stood near the door of the taxi, and he kept asking me what would happen when he gets back from seeing his friends, and i kept telling him to send me a message when he gets back. The taxi driver said we had to go because the meter was running, and i had to keep telling my boyfriend that we had to drive away. My boyfriend said " kiss my d*** " in an angry tone of voice and slammed the door. As the taxi was driving away, he stuck his middle finger up at me !. I opened the window and shouted to him, but he didn't turn around. He was walking towards the train station then to go and catch the train to see his friends. I haven't stopped crying since i got home, and i'm worried that he will dump me, and even that he might not come back home at all. He doesn't really need to come back home, as he doesn't have a job here, and doesn't have a lot of stuff in his house either. It isn't really his house either, as he is on benefits. He has always come back home in the past ( the longest he has stayed with his friends for has been four days ), but we have never parted on such bad terms before. And he is impulsive, because of the bipolar disorder. He doesn't have a mobile phone, so i would have to wait for him to either call me from a phone box, or for him to message me on facebook when he gets home. I have a key to his house, so i can go round any time to see if he's back. Should i just go round to his place within the next few days, or should i wait until he contacts me ?. It will be difficult waiting for him to contact me though, and i'm not sure what to do in the mean time. Or should i dump him ?. He is lovely most of the time, one of the kindest, sweetest people you could ever meet. But he changes when he has had a lot to drink. Has anyone else here had any experiences with people with bipolar disorder, and if so, what happened ?. Another thing i dont like though too is that he told me that he occassionally smokes marjuana. I have only seen him do that once though. I have been with him for ten months. Can i fix things with him, or should i dump him ?. He drinks every fortnight, or sometimes it has been longer than a fortnight, so it isn't very often.It's usually on the week that he gets paid, and it's usually the week he gets paid when he goes to see his friends .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): There have been other times when he has been nasty to me when he has been drunk, and we have made up with each other, and there have been times when we have argued the night before, and then he has gone to see his friends the next day, and he has still come back home. He acts really strange when he has had a lot to drink. Once he makes his mind up to go and see his friends, he won't change his mind about it, and he always goes there on the day that he gets paid and when he has had a drink. It gets really embarrassing in public too. People were looking at us on Wednesday when we were arguing, and also, he heard some music that was playing when we were stood outside on the street .He started dancing to it, and i could see that some people were laughing at him. There have been problems with the police before too. The neighbours heard me screaming one night, when i was at his house,because he was making me feel frightened, and the neighbours called the police.Neither of us got arrested though. They had a chat with me and took me home, as they said i shouldn't be around him when he is drunk and abusive, and they told me to go and see him when things had calmed down. Another time, we were in public again, and he ran out of a pub, because another guy had been talking to me. I ran outside after him, but he kept pushing me away. A police officer was there, and she told me not to run after him, or she would arrest me. He had asked the police officer to tell me to leave him alone. She also told me to see him when things had calmed down. He also got arrested once when he was on his way home from a festival, because he had some weed, and he had stuck his middle finger up at a police car that was driving by. He had to stay in a cell for one night. Another time, he had gone out into town in the middle of the night when he was drunk. This was also just after we had had an argument. He swore at another guy who asked him for a cigarette, and the guy knocked my boyfriend to the floor. Luckily, another guy came and helped my boyfriend. I was really worried when i heard about that. I get so worried that he will get in serious trouble when he has had a drink, and if he is caught with drugs. I very rarely drink, by the way, and i have never taken drugs.He's usually back by Saturday night, so if he isn't back by tomorrow night, or Sunday at the very latest, i will call the police. I'm not sure whether to call the police now, or give it a bit more time. I am really worried about him though.Whether we stay together or not, i just want to know that he is safe. I'm also wondering whether to have a break from the relationship, and just be friends with him in the mean time. It depends whether he still wants to be with me or not though too. I only want to be with him if he is willing to get some help. This is very distressing, and it's too much for me to handle at the moment.We have had lots of lovely times together though, and that's why i don't want to lose him completely.He also has a hole in his heart, which worries me too.Sometimes i wonder whether he really loves me or not. It seems like he does, but it's hard to tell because of how his illness affects him sometimes.Thanks for your help, everyone. I really appreciate it. I'll keep you informed with what is going on.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 Well based on your follow-up he is doing all the wrong things. His medication and his symptoms are not being monitored. Which means he is definitely not himself.
If he acts up very badly or seems strange to onlookers he may even come to the attention of the police.
I would suggest that he is 'at risk' right now and has no insight into that fact.
Yes, do contact the Doctor and express your concerns.
If I were in your situation I would be concerned too.
The strain of this may well be too much for you to endure. You are NOT to Blame for any actions he takes or does not take.
You are NOT Responsible for any actions he takes or does not take.
Do not blame yourself that your most recent interaction was acrimonious. He was not well. He was not himself. And what he said to you was due to the fact that he has an untreated medical condition. So his illness was affecting how he interacted with you. His illness is distressing for him too. But he does need to get proper treatment as well. That's the thing he is doing wrong that is causing so many more problems.
Always keep in mind that he is not well. His condition is currently untreated even though it is a condition hat does require regular monitoring. And he is making it worse with alcohol and weed. Not a good situation.
For your own peace of mind I think I would suggest that you do speak to your local Police about a potential missing person. Let the Police know that he is currently unmediated. Tell them the name and address of his Doctor. The Police have more powers than you to check out things. To see that he is safe or locate him as best they can in the course of their work.
This is indeed very distressing. You will get through this tough period. Though it may not be easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): He isn't on any medication, doesn't see his doctor , and doesn't have a social worker. He used to, but he thinks he doesn't need help now. I think he does though, and i wish he would get help. I really want to speak to his doctor too, if it's allowed. I still haven't heard from my boyfriend. I can't settle until i hear from him. I'm not sure if i want to stay with him or not, but i guess we need to talk. What worries me though, is he has said before that he would leave his house if we ever broke up. He might even leave the area. So that's why i'm worried that he might not come back home now, even though we haven't actually broken up yet. If he really loved me though, surely he wouldn't have got on the train, and he would have gone in the taxi with me instead so that we could go to his place and sort things out ?. And surely he would have called me or sent me a message by now ?.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 October 2012):
His medical issues are not being managed in a responsible manner by him. He lacks insight into his condition as both the alcohol and the weed are affecting his medication.Although he is going to feel hurt and maybe even devastated it is very important that he go back to his Doctor and have a long session and a reality check. He has a medical issue - his illness - and he is not managing it responsibly.Things will only get worse if he is not prepared to be more responsible.Does he have or need a Social Worker to try to keep him on track? Does he need to attend some counselling to get him to recognise that his behaviour is self-destructive?Sure you care, and you feel worried. I understand that. But you also have to protect you from being abused and used. How much involvement does his Doctor allow you to assume? Family and close friends can make a major Difference to a person with these issues as their own insight into their own issues and their empathy towards others is often far short of what would really be to their advantage. The problem is though that the very human organ that is most important to make this happen is compromised by their illness.If the Doctor allows your input then talk to the Doctor about whether a few sessions with a trained person skilled in Cognitive Beahviuoural Therapy might also help him.Risky overly aggressive behaviours as you described are screaming out that his medication is not working effectlivlyIf his condition was a Heart condition and it was not working effectively would you just walk away?The heart and the brain are both just organs in our bodies that can suffer malfuntions due to illness.The guy needs a pre-paid mobile phone for urgent real time contact.He may also need a better class of friends if they are not caring that he is self medicating with alcohol on a regular basis. It does not help his existing medical condition.If he had diabetes would you sit by while he ate bags of candy each week?Speak to his Doctor about your concens.But you also may benefit from some counselling for YOU as you also need to keep some balance in all this and don't end up suffering burn-out. I can tell that you care.And yes, I have suffered what you are going through. Sadly though, my guy gave up on himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): Instead of worrying about his bipolar disorder, you need to look into codependency. His behavior is unacceptable, bipolar or not. Is he taking medication? Even so, he's just being plain mean, and I think he's using this psychological disorder as an excuse. All of the signs are there- He seems to have a chemical dependence, he walks all over you (but you seem to feel responsible), he has complete control over you, and he's verbally and emotionally abusive. Please consider helping yourself before worrying about him. I know how hard it is, because I've been there. I still have codependent tendencies at times. Melody Beattie is a really great author on codependency if you are up to looking into it. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 He got nasty with you because he knows that his friends and his drinking habit are trash. He's also angry that his only pleasure and rewarding behavior is drinking and marijuana. You are disapproving his lifestyle, his only lifestyle that defines him. He hates his life but unfortunately you became the recipient of this anger and he chose to direct it at you. It's true that maybe you only have to endure verbal abuse every fortnight, and that in between he is nice. What happens when the verbal abuse becomes physical abuse? Even once could change your life forever. He doesn't have much to offer you. Being bi polar means that you experience emotional highs and lows more extremely than the average person, and may need medication to regulate yourself. It doesn't mean you lean on social benefits, waste your life away, and blame people for your negative emotions. A lot of people with bi polar got on with their lives, and are working hard to achieve their ambitions.
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