A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am a very messed up kid.I think I was abused a while back by my brother. He used to kiss me and sort of hump me with my clothes on. I couldn't tell my mum coz i love my bro but he was really horrible and once he got drunk and was really scary though he didn't try anything coz I can sorta yell out if he does and he knows that but sometimes I get scared incase he comes in again and I haven't been able to think about boys in the same way. My brother is about 4 years older than me and is a brown 2 stripe in karate so I can't ward him off.It's stopped now though but I feel really guilty and dirty because I got orgasms from him and I used to miss them. I just don't know how to get over this and I can;t really talk to anyone I know about it coz I don't want to shame my self or my family I'm just really stuck.My mum said if my brother threatens anyone in our family she'll kick him oiut so i can't tell her or else I might not ever see him again.I don't blame him for getting drunk cos he was really depressed for ages but he looks at me sometimes in a way brothers aren't meant to. like he s checking me out or something.soz this is longElz
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question:)
I will find out who is the conselor at shcool in september and if i dont know them then i might talk to them about it. I tried calling childline but i didn't get through. I will try again soon.
thanks for all your answers and advice.
elz
x
A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 I doubt that any clinician anywhere would say that everything was alright in this situation. And about it not being your fault, well, their job is not to figure out whose fault something is. Their job is to help you straighten out things in your own mind so you're not so confused and frustrated. In a word, to help.
You're moving in the right direction by at least talking about it here, and by possibly bringing it up with s friend. But I urge you to take it one step further and talk it over with someone who has the professional training to be able to give you some serious guidance and direction. And such a person can help you deal with the issue of just how you feel about the question of whether you might have started it sometimes, and that you probably enjoyed it sometimes too. These are very serious things. They are things that are going to mess up your entire life if you let them go untreated. Please do yourself a favor and get help. Do it for your future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): You are feeling ashamed because the abuse sometimes made your body feel good. This is a common feeling for abuse victims. It's one reason why sex abuse is so awful, because it twists good feelings into bad feelings. But it's not your fault! Repeat it to yourself, it's not your fault!
I assure you, even if you started it sometimes, the responders of Childline will not blame you. Some may be survivors of abuse themselves, and will understand you better than you can believe. A girl of under 12 is NOT considered to be to blame even if she initiates sex. Would you blame a two year old baby for repeating a bad word that somebody taught her? Since you knew good from bad, you feel guilty, but really sex is such a powerful force that children (and some grownups) are not able to handle it. This is why we try to shelter children from sex.
However, you're unhappy and scared, and still at risk. You DO need help. Even if you are very strong, this burden is too much for your young shoulders alone. Let an adult, especially a professional counselor, protect you and help you learn how to deal with it. You are NOT the first girl, the only girl, or the last girl to have had this problem. There are people who are experts in helping in situations like yours, and you need to meet them.
Good luck, we are thinking of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and can i say, i dont want to talk to childline(and btw I knew about it already, most kids do nowadays) because they might tell me everything is all right and I am not to blame! i did start it sometimes so of course its my fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't talk to anyone - I already said that.
i wish i could but i dont want anyone else involved. its really doing my head in and talking about it has made me feel worse, not better. also i think my brother found this site with me logged on so maybe he knows i am talking about it. i dont want him scared. i love him and i hate it when he is angry but i think he is getting better andi no if i say anything he will go down hill again.
i spose the reason i dont talk is coz i cant stand pity. like i really need help coz i dont - my shcool work is fine and i can still feel happy and sad like a normal teenage girl.
i have a best friend and i think i will have to tell her coz its not fair on her if i suddenly blurt it out (as i have a bad habbit of doing.) but she is young and unspoilt! She doesn't have a clue about life yet. But she wont hold it against me, and thats something.
As for studentoflife, when i am upset, i read stories and i learn my school work. i won achievement prize for my form this year. that is why my writing is good and my vocab clear.
els
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Um, did you try calling the number I gave you? The Childline number? You can talk to them, and I think it would be a good idea. You've put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders and it's a lot to ask of any 12 year old. Give them a call and let me know how it goes.
Hope to hear back from you!
It's a free call.
0800 1111
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): Dearie,You are very mistaken if you think that your teachers would frown upon you for telling about your troubles. Why do you think this would be the case? Your school will also have a counselor who is there just to help youngsters like you...in confidentiality. You don't need to know him or her, you just need to ask a teacher or someone at the school office how to make an appointment. You don't have to tell anyone why you want somebody to talk to.Yes, you're better off than the children who are raped or even killed by strangers. But you deserve so much more. You deserve a normal life free of fear and guilt. Also, who knows, he might have these issues because he may have been abused himself in the past. The most likely possibility is that both he and you will be helped by counseling. PLEASE call Childline at the very least, and if you can, give us an update. You have lots of us worried for you.Make that call, you only have to pick up the phone and dial0800 1111.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't talk to anyone about it - I don't know anyone one at shcool in the right way to tell them, I like most of my teachers but the ones I like I really like and the ones I dont i really dont. talking to one I like would ruin that relationship and Id be froned upon by all of the teachers.
It has got better. He hasn't even really looked at me for ages and ages coz I think he might get a girlfriend soon.
My bro is very scared of hurting me because I no he loves me but I'm just not sure if its always the right sort of love.
I think i'll just have to put the past behind me now. i hate talking about my problems cos u read everyday about children getting raped by complete stranger and even killed and it puts me into perspective.
I am scared of my brother when he's angry. He was diagnosed with asbergeuos syndrome when he was at primary but another doctor said he didn't have it so i think he just has anger issues. He had a very bad time at shcool ad has never been the same but now he walks away if anyone tries anything and so far it's worked.
els
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A
female
reader, WiccanWonder +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Oh my god, I think you should tell your mum but tell her how you feel about it, It was wrong- what your bro did to you. But I'm sure that she will understand, and will deal with it. I hope this helps!! Good Luck,
Love WiccanWonderxxxxx
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2008):
Hi, sorry to hear of the situation you're in, it sounds like you have no one to turn to talk about it. As ChiRaven suggested, is there a teacher or a counselor at school that you could confide in?
I have another resource for you that might help too. It's called Childline, here's the information about it. It might be a good place to start!
Childline deal with all sorts of problems involving kids. Quote from their website:
”You can talk to ChildLine about anything - no problem is too big or too small.
"If you are feeling scared or out of control or just want to talk to someone you can call ChildLine.
"Some of the things that people phone about are feeling lonely or unloved, worries about their future, problems about school, bullying, drugs, pregnancy, HIV and AIDS, physical and sexual abuse, running away and concerns about parents, brothers, sisters and friends, and crimes against them.
"Whatever your worry, large or small, we're here to offer advice and support. When you are ready."
Call ChildLine on 0800 1111.
This is a freephone number, which is helpful, I think.
You shouldn't feel dirty or guilty for whatever good feelings you might have had; they were perfectly normal. So don't worry about that. What does worry me is what you said about him 'checking you out' as well as your mother's comments about kicking him it. It sounds like he's already in trouble, if she said something like that. Don't worry about never seeing him again, I'm sure that won't be the case.
You should call the number or go to the website because this actually sounds very worrying for you.
Take care.
www.childline.org.uk
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (28 July 2008):
Are there counseling resources available at your school or in your community? If so, you should see if you can arrange to talk to someone on the absolute condition of confidentiality. Make it clear to them that if they are not in a position to absolutely guarantee you confidentiality between you and the counselor, with no one else involved at all, then you can't talk to them. But you really do need professional help. Sooner or later your experiences ARE going to lead you into serious health issues, mental or physical or both. The sooner you begin to get professional help with the feelings you are having to deal with, the more likely it is that you are going to be able to come through your experience with a minimum of damage.
The biggest problem is that this situation is likely to get worse, not better. Your brother almost certainly IS checking you out, and as you get older you get more and more tempting. Pretty soon it's probably no longer just going to be just dry humping through your clothes. You've GOT to get some serious help before it gets that far. But before that can happen you need to settle things inside your own mind, and that is going to take some serious professional help. Do whatever you need to do to get it. Please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): hi im really sorry for you that you have hade to go frew this, it must be really convusing and unplesant for you that you have been frew this.
im sorry but this is very wrong and your brother should not be aloud to do this to you.
i can imagine why you must feel stuck in this situation but you do not have to put up with this behavouir off your brother or any other human.
i think aswell that you know it will have sycological efects on you as it is but if it continues wich im sure it will, just by the fact that you have said that your brother is still looking at you in that kind of way, it's only a matter of time thats what i think. if it continues then it's going to get worse.
i understand how much you love your brother but you can not put him before your own happyness, thats just not fair on you. your brother could have, most likely has problems and i think that he needs to get help because what if he gets worce, and does worce stuff when he gets older, this could just be the start of what could be a whole lot worce to come, maybe true, maybe not.
i can understand why you miss orgasums it's human to feel that they are nice, but it's not right that your brother gives you them only you and someone you concent should give you them, but most devently not your brother.
i think that if you dn't want to tell your mother you should at least tell him that it's not right and that it's not fair that he looks at you in these ways or does anything at all to you, and then if he does any of the following then you have no chice but to tell your mom or dad really because it can only get worse.
you should tell your brother that if he loves you then its really not fair that he looks or touch's you in any kind of way and if does any of the things you have asked him not to do then you really do need to tell someone for your own health and safety.
well good luck i hope it works out for you, i think maybe speaking to a counceler may help.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Not really a question here huh?
I feel as if you just wanted to tell your story to somebody. For someone your age, who's "messed up", I must say that you write pretty good.
Let it out.
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