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I am a transgender man, dating a woman but I prefer sex with men.

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 February 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2017)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am a transgender man and I have been dating a very respectful, understanding woman for a few months now. We have reached the stage where she wants to define our relationship and move forward together, though I feel conflicted on how to progress or whether to at all.

I am romantically attracted to women, but sexually attracted to men. When I am with a women, I find that when we're intimate it is solely for their benefit and I don't get anything out of it. This makes sexual experiences uncomfortable and awkward for me. With men I enjoy being intimate and physical, though do not feel romantically connected.

I don't know if I will ever have a long lasting and meaningful relationship because with women I can't meet their sexual needs and with men I can't meet their emotional needs. I am aware that both these attributes are important to a healthy relationship and I have struggled since my teens with this problem.

I don't know how to explain this to the woman I am dating, as she has expressed that she has a high sex drive and that thought alone has panicked me as I have put an expiry date on the relationship before it has even been defined. And in regards to dating, I have no idea where to even start. Should I be looking into dating men? Women? Neither?

Advice would be welcomed, thank you.

View related questions: sex drive

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017):

I totally agree with Aunt Honesty. I think you really need some therapy to be happy.

As for your current partner, look at it from her perspective. Would you want to spend months dating a man only to find he had no interest in sex with you?

Break it off, at least until you get some help from a therapist.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI think you should speak to a therapist about your issues to try and get to the bottom of this. I mean you have struggled since you where young so maybe you should talk to someone who may be able to help.

Instead off freaking out when your partner tells you she has a high sex drive be honest with her instead. I mean currently you are leading her on and that is very cruel so its time to be honest with her.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

singinbluebird agony auntAs I say, follow your groin.

Its telling you something, I think you should continue to date men and be open to all possibility of men. Seek a more emotional connection, I know you stated its only been physical and lust with men but why not channel that into emotional connection as well? I think you just have not found the right person. There are a variety of men out there---some may only want sex, but some also want that connection and can willingly be romantic and affectionate. Not all gay/straight men are purely after sex only.

I think you already know you cant date women, I dont even suggest you try. You're probably comfortable emotionally with being friends with women, but your sexual desire lays with men.

FOCUS on that and then date a variety of men to find the one who also fits your emotional needs. The RIGHT person will love you regardless and accept you completely.

And just a note, our friends and our family can also full-fill our emotional and mental needs so dont worry if one partner cannot full it all. A mature adult can find full-fillment in all relationships but here you should also focus on where you can find that sexual full-fillment but with someone you connect with as well.

Good luck

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (15 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntFor what it's worth, asexual means "lack of sexual attraction", not lack of libido or desire for sex - some asexuals do still want/have sex.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (15 February 2017):

fishdish agony auntMaybe you can find an asexual woman?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think you should be honest with the woman you are currently dating.

IF you do NOT want sex with women I honestly don't think you should be dating them because the NORM is for MOST women (and men) to want sex in a relationship. So you would only be fulfilling HAVE of your "partner obligations". Also if YOU get nothing out of sex with women it's a loss/loss, isn't it? I think I would be rather upset if I was dating someone who didn't want a physical relationship with me, who wasn't attracted to me in THAT way. Put yourself in in HER shoes and think about it.

And maybe? You should stick to purely platonic friendships till you figure out what you REALLY want and need.

Maybe you should look to talking with others in your situation? Find a support group or website for transgenders? Or even consider a counselor?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (15 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntFirst off, this woman is incompatible with you, so let her go.

Secondly, look into open relationships. Perhaps you could find a woman who you could love and vice versa, who would also be happy for you to have sex with men and her with whoever.

Lastly, please don't take this the wrong way (I'm a part of the LGBT community, so I know this can be an issue), but is it possible you're sexual attraction to men only is because of dysphoria?

Some trans people can't be sexual with people of their birth sex because of how they feel about themselves, even subconsciously. It can also work in reverse, like some trans guys being unable to explore their interest in men (or trans women interested in women) because they're aware that they don't have the same body.

Either way, this woman is not compatible with you and the only solution to the current situation is looking into open relationships.

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