A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I need advice on a relationship with language differences. When I met my boyfriend he didnt know any English, but he insisted on being with me. He worked hard to learn English and did well. Now his daughter came to live with us full time and he no longer speaks English anymore. Its always him and his daughter speaking spanish. Even when we go on family trips its like I'm not even there, he just walks and talks with her. I've talked to him about this many times and he refuses to speak English at all with her. I went to meet his family the other day, and I sat there on my phone the whole time because for five hours they all say talking in spanish, and the tv was even playing in spanish. Then he got mad I was upset and complained I never want to meet his family! Im pregnant so I don't want to run from the relationship, but if things don't change I may not have a choice. Please give me some advice on what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 OP, I'm also rubbish at learning new languages. I keep meaning to learn Spanish so I can communicate with my niece, who's learning disabled and growing up in a Spanish speaking country, but I just don't seem to be able to get past the basics. My other niece (her sister, age 4) shamed me somewhat by her far superior knowledge of English compared to my Spanish!
That said, you could try little by little. Set small goals, for example just one new word or short phrase each day. Practice until in sinks in. Let your partner help you, as he tried to with the notebooks. You may learn more easily by making 'phonetic' notes - write down how the words sound rather than attempting the proper Spanish spelling (e.g. grass-ee-ass rather than gracias).
But yes I do think it's rude for your partner to converse entirely in Spanish when you're there, when they are perfectly capable of speaking English. I have a friend who is dating an Italian (he speaks no Italian), and when he goes to family functions they basically exclude him by talking Italian. I would find that hugely disrespectful.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 February 2014):
 So he *does* want you to learn Spanish.
You need an immersive way to learn it, because if you have a learning disability, then reading it as written. You know English, and you don't write on here as if you have a disability, which is why I suggested Rosetta Stone or classes as opposed to reading from a notebook.
In the short term, on a family trip, your ally is his daughter. If he's not paying attention to making sure you are in on the communication, if you have a good relationship with his daughter, ask HER to translate everything spoken by him to you. There's nothing that will get the message across faster than his daughter telling HIM to hold up and her taking the time to pull you into the conversation.
Tell her that when the two of them talk, you're not following the conversation and then keeping asking HER, not him, to translate. He will get the message if nothing else will. Then as you go along in the vacation, make it a game to point out things and learn the Spanish word for it.
You may feel like an outsider because of all the family there. Speaking Spanish is not only their native language, it's also a matter of pride. They've heard the "You're in America now, speak American" or "Here, we speak English" discrimination many times, so there may be a little bit of that same resentment by choosing to speak Spanish knowing that you don't know the language. That is something you should talk to your boyfriend about when the vacation is over. But in the meantime, make his daughter your translator. It'll be a bonding experience.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 February 2014):
 You are right, it is very rude to purposely exclude you, not only rude but very revealing as well. Since you have repeatedly told him how much this bothers you, and yet he still continues, I guess you know just how much he cares for and respects you. Too bad this has happened after you got pregnant but I would suggest you learn one Spanish word,"Adios". Oh and make sure you get him set up to pay you child support, mucho dinero.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Hi everyone, thanks for your responses so far. I'm not sure if there is a different way to reply when you wrote the question, but I am the one who asked. To clear things up a bit, his daughter is nine and has been in the u.s. for six years. She knows English perfect. He has been here that long as well. All his family hear knows English, just choose not to speak it. I speak and interact with his daughter all the time. I think its rude to go somewhere where they know English and Spanish, but know I only know English and CHOOSE to only speak the language I don't know. Dont you agree? I have been with him for 2 years and he has tried to teach me Spanish many of times. He even made a whole notebook for me of the language. It is hard for me to learn a new language because I had help with English all throughout school, even high school, due to learning disability. Believe me I wish I knew Spanish but it's not easy for me, and yes I want my child to be bilingual because it is better. I don't mind him talking in Spanish with his daughter inside the house but we're on a family trip and he doesn't include me at all it seems very rude to me, like why did we even go together.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 Duh ! Learn Spanish. It does not take Einstein, as languages go it is totally not a hard one.
Of course, HIS daughter will have to learn English too. But if she is here to stay , and is going or will go to school, I don't see how she can AVOID to learn English.
So you all can be bilingual and pass smoothly and casually from a language to another . ( Yeah well, not the in-laws maybe, it's more difficult to teach new tricks to an old dog, but you surely do not have this excuse. Also because your Bf did learn a new language for you ).
It is so fun to be bilingual ( or multilingual like Honeypie and myself, yeah, I am showing off :)
Once I was sitting in a little sidewalk cafe in my Italian hometown, , reading a copy of " Vanity Fair ", AMERICAN edition. Two American ladies sit in the table next to me, nearly elbow - to- elbow with me. They begin talking in English, but then, after a quick look to me, they switch to ( stilted ) Italian. And I, behind my magazine, am regaled with an interesting tale about cheating husbands and revengeful wives and all sort of sexual shenanigans... it was like an episode of a soap opera. I laughed all the way home :).
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2014):
 Amen to YouWish! Spot on!
I agree how about YOU learn Spanish?
If nothing else it will HELP you later on in life. MANY workplaces prefer people who are either bi-lingual or multilingual.
I speak 4 fluently and 2 so-so, but can make myself understood.
I'm currently learning Spanish, because it's mandatory in my kids schools, so why not learn it to help them?
Don't YOU want to talk to his daughter? It just seem odd that you make ABSOLUTELY no effort with his child.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 February 2014):
Ahh geeze, I forget that here in the US, we tend to fall back on the "everyone should speak English" mentality here.
You said that when you met him, he worked hard to learn English to be with you? You should reciprocate because now his daughter is there. Work hard to learn Spanish and show him the same care he showed you. Telling him you don't want to meet his family in a Latino culture is like punching him in the face and then spitting in it, because in those cultures EVERYTHING is family. His daughter is family. You, as a girlfriend, are not. Your child by him will be, so if you want to be his family and included in it, you need to learn the family language, which is Spanish by way of majority. Invest in Rosetta Stone or community classes and have him work on Spanish with you and break the same barrier he broke with you. You could bond with his daughter by getting her help in learning it too.
I took 5 years of Spanish in high school and a year in college, and it's easier to learn than English! If you really put the effort in and immerse yourself in working at it, you'll even start to think in it if you're deep in conversation. Being multi-lingual is the gift that keeps on giving.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): There is one simple solution, learn Spanish! He did learn English so it's just polite to do so. When your baby is borne, my guess I'd he wants to rise him or her bilingual, so you should at least understand Spanish! Look I know what I'm talking about. My husband is Italian and his family only speaks Italian so I had to learn it. And we want to raise our children bilingual as well. And quite honestly for you to just sit there and play with your phone is plain rude! I know it's trying when but just smile and say hello and how are you and talk with your hands and body language.
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