A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupids, I'm looking for some advice because I'm really upset and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years, and we've been having some issues lately because he has been avoiding the topic of commitment whenever I try to bring it up.Tonight I spoke to him about it again and he finally told me that he's in no rush to get married because he has a lot he wants to do before then. Mainly that he wants to go travelling. He couldn't answer when I asked where he wanted to go, for how long, or even if he'd ever come back. He didn't even know if he was actually going to do it as that would mean giving up his job, but he also feels that he needs to do it before he can consider settling down. He asked me if I would be willing to go with him, but as much as I'd like to travel in a 'lots of vacations' type of way, I've never wanted to travel for years at a time. I've worked hard to build a good career and I'm almost in a position where I can buy a house, and I don't want to give that up to go backpacking which, at 28, I personally don't feel I would enjoy that much now anyway. He is 26 and says that he's always had a dream of taking his guitar and going round the world playing small gigs in bars, sleeping on the beach, meeting lots of new people and having 'the time of his life'. He doesn't understand why that doesn't appeal to me or why my family and career mean so much to me.We had a huge talk today but even after that he couldn't give me any definite answers. He said he definitely doesn't want us to break up because he loves me too much, but he can't see us getting any more serious any time soon. He said that if we did get married he knows he would be happy with me for the rest of his life, but he wants more from his life than just settling in the town we live in now.He has all these ideas but no real plans to go through with any of them and no plans to finish with me either because he said he loves me, so I'm left sad and confused. I think he thinks we can just carry on as we have been and see what happens, but I don't know if I can do that now that he's told me all of this.We left it tonight with me telling him to have a long think about what he wants because I deserve some definite answers, but the more I think about it, the more I think I'm going to have to end things so he can go and do all of these things he wants to do. It's breaking my heart to think of it, but if I don't and we stay together then all I can see is a life where he resents me for stopping him from following his dreams. Or one where he promises me everything I want, then a few years down the line decides he does want to travel and I'm into my 30s and starting again.What would you do? Am I right to think that ending things is the best option? I want someone who WANTS to build a nice life here with me because it excites him, so even if he agreed to stay I'd always be scared he'd leave further down the line. But if I end things now, he might not even go as he's said he's not decided? But he's saying he can't commit if he doesn't go anyway, so does it even matter?I'm so heartbroken and confused. I always thought he wanted the same things as me.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 That's what sounds strange to me, in 4 years you never got any hint that you had chanced into the last of the romantic dreamers ?...
Yes, because let's face it, his " dream " , which was very popular , and somewhat attainable,in the late 70's :) ... it is it much less so today. Travelling the world, living as a busker , sleeping on the beach.... very probably he'd get himself arrested, or deported, or even killed.
Where does he want to go ? In most faraway places he'd need a tourist visa to get in, but with a tourist visa he is not supposed to do any paid job, not even occasional and artistic , who would hire him ?
He can freely roam Europe, of course , ( Southern Europe , if he has to sleep on the beach ) - but tell him not to ocme to Italy, he would not be allowed to sleep on the beach for public health and safety reasons. And I doubt that in Greece he would make any money, the dire straits in which that country is in do not leave much for gigs and entertainment. Ibiza or Formentera maybe ?... he'd have a lot of competition there, still he could always hang around the entourage of some rich and generous yacht owner, but that's more a career like a professional moocher than like a free spirited artist.
Moral, that's more like a pipe dream than a real dream, there's no plan, no vision, no details, no preparation, no steps taken to make it happen.
I have a friend who travelled really all over the world with little or no money of her own, the way she did it was contacting a lot of non profit organizations and offering her services to a lot of volunteer programs ( working with street children in Brazil, a pet shelter in Capo Verde,etc. etc. ) but that too was not spur of the moment, it took a lot of scheduling, planning , contacting, applying- you can't just show up and say, here I am , I 'll play guitar for you. I am saying this not because volnteering is necessarily more " virtuous " than beachbumming- but in the sense that if you want to make something happen , you need to have a plan in mind and the patience , determination and skills to make it happen.
For instance, if he wants to visit another continent, at the very least he needs airfare, nobody is going to offer him a lift on an airplane to , say, Africa - has he been saving up anything so far toward that ? Is he starting when ?... He is already 26, when is going to do it, when he gets the first rheumatisms ?
Personally I think that this dream is not a real dream, i.e. not something he wants really bad with all his heart- it's more like a dream to avoid growing up, an excuse to postpone all those pesky stuff that people do- like , pursuing a career, saving money, buying a house, getting married, raising a family... all that boring, bourgeois, " grown up " stuff.
I am not saying that he is wrong or that the typical middle class dream is good , mandatory or recommendable for everybody. People should be free to live according their true nature and their heart's desires. But, the way your bf is going about things, it seems to me that his heart's desire is to hang on to some comfy security blankets ( his loving steady gf , his comfy little town , his general comfort zone ) while using his dream to avoid anything that smells of committment, responsibility, choice, ... adulthood in general.
So, while I think that a ) at the end of the day he is not going anywhere and b ) no, probably he won't hate YOU for not going, he'd blame it on something vague like " society " , " his culture " " the economy " etc..... it seems to me that you are on totally different tracks , and timetables, and goals. ( and again, I am a little surprised that this took more than 4 years to emerge ). So, if you , instead, are serious about reaching your own goals ( a brilliant career, a house of your own, a husband and kids )- you should ditch him and fly solo. Because HE is weighing you down and not viceversa:)
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 If your goal is family, financial success, your career, and marriage, then yes, you will have to break up with him now because there isn't a lot more time for you. 4 1/2 years is long enough to decide whether marriage is on the table, and if his mind is in backpacking and quitting jobs, then you can't give him ultimatums or wait him out anymore.
Remember, it goes two ways. If he doesn't want to marry you because he believes it's at odds with his travel plans, then you shouldn't want to give him more years of your life and biological clock because it's at odds with your family plans.
He's not the guy for you. He needs to find some drifter soul to see the world with him, and you need a guy who is ambitious and has clear cut domestic and career goals.
You both have become incompatible.
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