A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband I have been married for 28 years. Second marriage for us both.He is 71 now and I an 10 years younger.The problem is that I still have a healthy sex drive and since my husband turned 65 he has claimed he doesn't get excited anymore. We have tried Cialis and Viagra and he still wasn't able to stay hard.We basically let it go. Which as been very hard on me, still having a drive!I have been hit on by men younger than myself and have turned them down because I couldn't do that to my husband just because he had gotten old and wasn't interested.Well, I walked in on him watching porn on his computer and jerking off! I was devastated! All this time I thought he couldn't, but. He sure could watching porn! Why did he let me go on wanting sex and letting me believe he couldn't? I am sure leaning towards having an affair. At my age I can't leave him as what other recourse do I have?
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affair, cialis, porn, sex drive, viagra Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I would NOT have an affair but I would go to him and say
"dear husband it's clear you are no longer sexually interested in me, I'm willing to remain married and be discreet but I require your approval to take a lover to satisfy my sexual needs that you clearly refuse to even attempt to satisfy"
WITH his approval extra marital activity is not cheating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Confront him and tell him the truth, how lack of sex is making you tend toward having an affair. Then take him to the doctor and cover all basis health wise. Just because a man can't get it up doesn't mean that the sex has to end there or that he can't satisfy you other ways and you him - and it could be a new beginning to your sex life!
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A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (23 February 2014):
Hi,
I'll just answer from the male performance angle.
When masturbating, men can climax either erect or flaccid. There is no pressure, and if it's not erect it doesn't matter because it will still achieve same result flaccid.
But for sex, the 'mental side' comes into play and the man knows it's all or nothing. With a few failures, this can increase anxiety to the point of simply not wishing to go through the failure again and again. The failure can be devastating, especially as the mind wants to have sex.
Therefore, the alternative option is a 'no risk' pleasure alone.
I haven't answered your main question, but at least I've given you some perspective from a male. Also, I hope you don't have an affair. Try to talk about this problem with him as much as possible. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 February 2014):
 I suspect it is much easier for him to masturbate because no one else is depending on his performance. He doesn't have to feel judged for how long it takes to get it up or get off. I do believe that his issues in the bedroom with you are genuine. Psychology is a funny thing, and while he may not be able to perform with you, going solo he might be able to eventually get the job done.
Even if you guys have a good relationship, I imagine that it's a lot of pressure to be the one with the penis in the bedroom if that penis isn't working the way it used to. I suspect that it's just easier to jerk off (even if it takes seven hours), scratch the itch and be done with it.
I don't think I'd take it too personally. I understand why you're upset, but I really don't think I'd take it as him saying he can't perform in the bedroom to avoid having sex with you. Try to approach this with understanding, and maybe ask him if he's interested in having sex again or if he just wants to call the sexual part of your relationship off. If he just wants to spend the rest of his days celibate, maybe you could discuss an open relationship. But if he can masturbate, there is hope - if both of you are good natured, easy going and know that it's not to be taken personally if a round or two of sex doesn't take. The journey is the fun part.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): An affair should not be an option, even under these circumstances, the guilt you will feel and the pain it will cause is not worth it.
Have you tried talking to your husband about this in a calm and controlled manner?
Could it be possible that your husband struggles after a certain amount of time rather than all the time? Could it be that porn can be as quick or short as the viewer choses and therefore he finds that to be an easier option than disappointing you?
I would not advise an affair, but I can see and understand why you would feel that to be an option. Speak to your husband and find out why he did it?
Final question, are you sure he took the viagra? It just sounds odd that he still couldn't perform.
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